The Obesity of Haruhi Suzumiya
by superstarultra
Summary: AU Crackfic. What if Haruhi was overweight and had to attend a fat camp with her friends? During their escape, they'll encounter senseless crossovers, arguments, and... RUNNING! Parody of weight-gain fics in general. You were warned. On hiatus for now.
1. Meet Haruhi

**Disclaimer: I do not own The Melancholy of Haruhi Suzumiya or any of its characters. I also do not own any of the materials referenced in this story either. This was made for entertainment purposes only and not for profit. So there you go.**

**A/N: The SOS Brigade meets at a fat camp...**

**Oh, sweet lord, where do I begin? **

**This was originally going to be part of my other story, "You Got HaruhiRolled!", but since I had so many ideas for this, I decided to make it a standalone fic. Now you're all probably wondering, 'Why the hell would you make something like this?!'. Well, after seeing some rather frightening what if so-and-so was fat pictures on image boards, I decided it would be hilarious to parody the concept of weight-gain. That, and I was inspired by a crack chapter my good friend, ChickenCheeseString, made depicting Yuki putting on a few pounds. Not to mention some hilarious suggestions by my friends, BarretvsKyonvseveryoneelse and ObsidianWarrior. Just what is in this fic you might ask? **

**Well, this story contains:**

**An unhealthy amount of abuse towards the overweight**

**Gluttony**

**Pointy metal objects**

**Random cameos from K-ON, Toradora, Code Geass, Death Note, Ouran Host Club, Lucky Star, Higurashi, School Days, Azumanga Daioh, Vocaloid, Dragon Ball Z, Final Fantasy 7, Kingdom Hearts, and Mario and Luigi: Bowser's Inside Story**

**A shark**

**Jamba Juice**

**Saimoe 2009 results**

**Musical numbers**

**Deadly use of electricity**

**Lots and lots of running**

**Yaoi**

**Yuri**

**Cake**

**Tofu**

**And Jack Lalanne.**

**Now sit back, relax, and watch as a hooligan with little to no social life decides to dismantle the Haruhi universe. Feel free to picture the chubby characters as chibis like in Haruhi-chan if it helps. I would also like to thank JonBob0008 for allowing me to use his two OCs, Oruki and Naru, in my crackish concoction. **

**WHERE'S YOUR PRECIOUS 'OUR-GOD-IS-HOTTER-THAN-YOUR-GOD' GOD, NOW?!?! MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!**

**...**

**If you haven't hit the Back button by now, dear sir or madam, I applaud you. **

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**"I wonder if they put jelly in these things..." mused a voice. "Oh, well. Chocolate is just as good too, I guess."

Said voice was followed by the sound of chewing and then a gulping sound. There was a sigh.

"Damn. Only four left. Better than nothing though. Down the hatch!"

The voice belonged to a person named Haruhi Suzumiya. A teenage girl at the ripe age of sixteen with hair like hazel and eyes like gold, Haruhi was sitting on a park bench in the afternoon all by herself. School had just ended and summer vacation had started two days ago. So what was she doing, you ask?

Eating an entire box of chocolate cornets.

"Geez it's hot out here," said Haruhi to no one in particular. Sweat dripped from her forehead and small stains could be seen appearing under her armpits. She wiped her sweaty brow with a crumb-covered hand and sent the sun a death-glare.

"Quit being so hot, you stupid ball of fire!" Haruhi threatened, hoping the sun would stop shining its infernal light. Actually, it wasn't even that hot out. One would even say that it was a bit chilly. Haruhi just happened to be sweating profusely.

Now, friends, there are three things you should know about Haruhi Suzumiya. First of all she had a personality which could best be described as 'eccentric'. And when I say eccentric, I mean to say bossy, stubborn, selfish, short-tempered, greedy, nosy, vain, and a tad sadistic. At least that's what everyone who had spent five minutes talking to her thought.

But I'm getting ahead of myself.

Second of all, Haruhi believed that supernatural beings inhabited Earth and were hiding out from the public. Thus she had made it her goal to seek out beings she deemed supernatural and hang out with them. These included aliens, time-travelers, espers, sliders, elves, leprechauns, werewolves, zombies, mummies, vampires, witches, dragons, demons, Bigfoot, the Abominable Snowman, the Loch Ness Monster, Godzilla, Gamera, boxing-kangaroos, Chuck Norris, unicorns, ghosts, kappas, Koopas, Goombas, Republicans, and Eskimos. So far, she hadn't had any luck.

This brings us to the third subject.

Haruhi Suzumiya was fat.

Yeah, fat.

You know those 'before-and-after' pictures you see in weight-loss ads?

Haruhi looked like she killed and devoured the 'before' person.

Her hands and fingers still had a feminine thinness to them, but everywhere else on her was... well... big. Her arms were pretty chunky, but at least she could still reach certain parts of her body (except her toes and back). Haruhi's cheeks looked like she was storing acorns for winter and a slight double-chin could be seen forming. Her large stomach balanced the pink box of cornets in front of her like a tray as she shoved two more of them into her greedy maw. If anyone walked right by Haruhi, they would have made the assumption that she was seven months pregnant. Her thighs weren't innocent either, chubby to the point where Haruhi couldn't cross her legs together without making a scraping sound. Her breasts squeezed against the confines of her clothes as if they were trying to run away from her chest. They were both at _least_ a D-cup. Haruhi's butt somewhat resembled two rhinoceroses frolicking gaily under a tarp.

How the heck her skirt, shirt, bra, underwear, and jacket stayed on her body was a complete mystery.

As she chewed the two cornets in her mouth, Haruhi was pondering about why she was so unlikeable back in school and why she didn't have any friends.

_I wonder why I was so unlikeable in school and didn't have any friends?_ Haruhi wondered, effectively rehashing what the author just said. _My magnetic personality should have gotten me plenty of friends. I should have been fending off guys with a stick! And my boobs were bigger than any other girl's in the whole school! Shouldn't that account for something? ...At least they respected me._

Unbeknown to Haruhi, the students at her school didn't actually respect her. Unless your definition of respect is 'Run-like-hell-or-that-giant-thing-is-going-to-fucking-crush-us-against-the-wall!'. Haruhi's belly had actually been called a safety hazard by some people since if she spun around really fast (especially if you yelled 'ICE-CREAM!') and you if happened to be right next to her, you'd end up on the ground with a slight concussion. No one had said this to her face for fear of getting their head ripped off. Or being sat on.

_You know what? Screw them all! I don't need any friends! They'd only hold me back! I'll find aliens, time-travelers, espers, sliders, and all that other miscellaneous stuff myself! _Haruhi thought with determination as she swallowed down the two pastries. They slid down her gullet easily enough and joined the rest of the things she'd eaten earlier. Haruhi belched loudly and rubbed her stomach contently only to become confused as a loud gurgle escaped from it. Her gut suddenly began to rumble violently.

"Huh? Oh, come on! I didn't eat that much today! Just these cornets! And that club sandwich... And those three hotdogs... And that bag of last year's Halloween candy... And that box of Krispy Kreme donuts... And that watermelon that fell off that truck... Just hurry up and digest!" Haruhi said to her aching stomach. A second later the pain stopped. Probably the excess food had moved to her lower intestines.

"Phew! Felt like I was gonna explode back there! That'll teach my body to mess with me! And to celebrate..." Haruhi picked up the remaining cornet and stared at it lovingly like a mother with her child. "You're my best friend, right?"

The chocolate cornet, who lacked a mouth, said nothing.

"You would never betray me, would you?"

Once again, the cornet said nothing.

"You love me, don't you?"

Silence.

"You do? That makes me so happy! Tell you what! Do you like living in that cold pink box?"

Silence.

"You don't? Well, guess what? I've got a new home all set for you! It's a little cramped and kind of smelly, but you get hang out with your friends all the time, and it's free! Plus, you'll get a new friend each day! What do you say?"

Silence.

"I knew you'd say yes! All right then! Now just close your eyes and you'll be with your other eleven friends soon! And you'll be with me forever and ever! See ya!"

Haruhi raised the cornet in front of her mouth and opened her jaws. If the cornet did have a mouth, it would probably have been saying something along the lines of "_AAAAAAHHHHHH!!!!!!_".

Before it could become a permanent guest in a pool of Haruhi's stomach acid, something unexpected happened.

"There she is!" cried a high-pitched voice.

Haruhi's eyes snapped open and she looked in the voice's direction.

_Oh, crap!_

Making their ways towards Haruhi, were two girls that didn't go to her school. The first girl was pulling the second along by the hand and wore a angry look on her face, while the second taller girl wore a baffled expression. The most noticeable features of the two girls was the fact that the shorter one had long blue hair with a small ahoge atop her head and piercing green eyes, while the second one possessed violet hair tied up in twin-tails with bluish-purple eyes. Once they were close enough, the shorter girl pointed an accusing finger at Haruhi.

"See, Kagami! I told you I wasn't lying! I didn't lose the cornets at the Gamers! That fat pig took them! I saw her bloated butt running out the door with them in her mitts!" shouted the blue-haired midget.

Her purple-headed friend looked at Haruhi and then frowned. "Well, what do you know. You actually WERE telling the truth this time! And I actually can't believe the stereotype of fat people stealing food is true..."

Haruhi blinked in confusion. _Fat?! What does she mean by fat? This isn't fat! This is pure muscle! I'm not..._

Haruhi's train of thought became derailed as the violet-eyed girl took out a cell phone and began to make a call. Most likely the police. Haruhi really didn't want to know what they did to cornet-snatchers in prison. She didn't want to become someone's bitch.

"I'm calling the cops, Konata. They'll straighten this whole thing out and then this glutton's parent's ca- OWW!!!" yelled the girl called Kagami as she was nailed in the face by a chocolate cornet. The shorter one, Konata, gasped in terror and surprise. She quickly spun around to see Haruhi dashing out of the park at a surprisingly fast speed. Konata turned back to her friend, who was wiping away the gooey chocolate off her face.

"KAGAMIN!!!" yelled Konata, her voice filled concern. "Are you hurt?"

"That sneaky bitch!" snarled Kagami, eyes burning with feral rage, and ignoring the nickname her friend had just uttered. "Who the hell throws food at people?! As soon as I catch that tubby thief, I'm going to rip her head off and shove it directly up her..."

Kagami had stopped her rant to see that Konata was staring at her with a cat-like smile and blushing.

"Uh, Konata? What's with your face?"

"Hee hee... Kagamin is so cute when she's flustered..."

"Will you wipe that stupid look off your face and help me get this chocolate off my face?!"

"Okay, Kagamin~."

"..........Konata?"

"Yes?'

"Did you just... lick some chocolate off my face?"

"It tastes even sweeter when it's on you, Kagamin~..."

"Uggghhhh..."

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**A/N: Yes, people. That was Konata and Kagami from Lucky Star. Konata finally meets her idol, and it's after said idol freaking mugs her of her favorite snack food. Ironic, huh? And it wouldn't be a Lucky Star moment without Konata subtly coming onto Kagami, now would it?**

**Next chapter introduces Haruhi's parents who make a life-changing decision for their daughter! And denial! And fat jokes! **

**Read & Review!**


	2. A Lifestyle Change

**Disclaimer: I do not own The Melancholy of Haruhi Suzumiya or any of its characters. I also do not own any of the materials referenced in this story either. This was made for entertainment purposes only and not for profit. So there you go.**

**A/N: Now we meet Oruki and Naru. This should be fun... Once again, credit for them goes to JonBob0008!**

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**The door to the Suzumiya residence was thrown open with an incredible speed. Shortly after, Haruhi darted in and slammed it shut and slunk against the wall, breathing heavily. She stumbled over to the empty living room and planted herself on the couch. It groaned under its sudden load.

"I... made it... home! Oh, sweet... lord! I must have run a........... marathon!" huffed Haruhi. Her heart was pounding against her chest like a jackhammer on cocaine and sweat was dripping down her face. The sad part was that Haruhi's house wasn't even that far away from the park. Hell, it was really only a block away.

"Hey, mom! Dad! I'm...... home! Boy is it hot in here!" stated Haruhi, fanning herself. When no one arrived, Haruhi peeled herself off the couch and stepped into the hallway. No one was home.

"Huh. Probably out shopping," declared Haruhi. Deciding she should have a quick snack, Haruhi headed off to the kitchen for a fridge-raid. She already knew what she wanted.

"Mmmmmmmmmmm... Time for my favorite. Rocky-Road and a frozen stick of butter!"

Haruhi stepped lightly into the kitchen (remembering the time she jumped in last year and she accidently broke the floorboards) and made her way to the fridge. It was then that Haruhi noticed a figure at the table.

"Hey, dad," Haruhi said uneasily, wondering why her father was sitting at the table so quietly.

"Hello, Haruhi," replied Oruki Suzumiya, "How was your walk?"

"Oh, fine! Yeah, just fine!" lied Haruhi, perspiring the whole time. Her father beckoned her over to the table. Haruhi slowly moved over to the table and withdrew a chair. She sat down gingerly, taking great care not to turn this one into a pile of splinters. Finally, she managed to adjust herself to the chair. The poor thing became engulfed between her massive cheeks.

"What's up?" inquired Haruhi.

Oruki folded his hands together and smiled warmly at his daughter. "Haruhi, your mother and I have been talking about your weight recently..."

"What about my weight?"

"Haruhi, I don't know how to break this to you..."

"C'mon, dad! You can tell me anything! We're family! We don't hide anything from eac-"

"Haruhi, you're fat."

"............................What?"

"I said you're... _slightly _overweight."

Haruhi jumped to her feet, popped the chair out of her butt, and after taking a few breaths said, "I heard you! You said I was FAT!!! Who says that to their kid?!"

Oruki slapped the table with both hands angrily. "Damn it, Haruhi! You're in denial! Just look at yourself!"

"I have, dad! This is all muscle!" Haruhi said, slapping her stomach. It jiggled for a few seconds, completely undermining what she just said. Haruhi took notice of this and frowned sheepishly.

"Riiight... Muscle," Oruki patronizingly said. "I'm amazed that you've still managed to put on weight after we stopped giving you an allowance. Have you been stealing food or something?"

Haruhi shifted a bit. "Well..."

"HARUHI!!!"

"I'm sorry! I just get these hunger pangs and then I'm out of control! My stomach can't be tamed!"

Oruki buried his head in his hands and started muttering things. "All of this, just because your mother accidently dropped that cheeseburger into your crib when you were a baby..."

Haruhi raised an eyebrow at this. "Yeah, about that... How the hell did I eat it when I clearly didn't have any teeth?"

"Beats the hell out of me," shrugged Oruki. "But right now, Haruhi, we're going to use this summer to get you in shape."

"I'm not that fat, dad!"

"Do you remember what happened at the mall a month ago?"

"Oh..."

_****Flashback****_

_Haruhi was staring at a tray of freshly baked cinnamon rolls and drooling. Before she could badger her parents for one, a random little girl ran up to Haruhi and hugged her right hip._

_"Huh? Are you lost or something?" asked Haruhi. The girl just snuggled her head against Haruhi's pillow-like stomach and smiled._

_"I love you!" chirped the girl. Haruhi smiled back and patted the girl on the head. It felt nice to be loved. Suddenly, a woman who appeared to be the girl's mother walked up to them._

_"Sweetheart, what are you holding?" asked the woman._

_"Oh, mommy, I found it! Can we buy it?"_

_Buy it? thought Haruhi._

_"Oh, I don't know, sweetie. I don't see a price-tag on this toy anywhere. And it smells a little funny. We'll keep looking."_

_"But, mommy! Mr. Patch is my favorite Banjo-Kazooie character! I want this plushie of him so much! Can we get it?"_

_"Sorry, honey. Maybe later."_

_As the girl and her mother walked away, Haruhi stared after them._

_And then she ran off crying._

_**** End Flashback****_

"Little bitch..." growled Haruhi.

"Now you see my point. I will not have my child go out into the world and be mistaken for a spherical object anymore!" stated Oruki.

"Wow, dad. You know just how to talk to a girl," sneered Haruhi. "But what about mom? What does she have to say about all of this?"

As if on cue, Haruhi's mother, Naru, glided into the room, her face to the ceiling and the back of her hand held against her forehead. She swayed dramatically and threw her hands around her thick daughter's neck. Almost immediately, Naru burst into loud, violent sobs.

"Oh, honey!" Naru cried wildly. "Our precious baby is leaving us!"

The very picture of depression and melodrama.

"Let go of me, mom!" yelled Haruhi. "You're... choking me! And what do you mean I'm leaving you? I'm not dying!"

"She's crying because of this," said Oruki, tossing something to Haruhi. Looking at the object, Haruhi saw that it was a brochure with several fruits dancing around a thin kid. Above the bizarre scene was a banner that read "Camp Chubbybuddy".

"What the hell is this?" Haruhi asked bluntly.

"It's a special weight loss center that we're sending you to, pumpkin!" answered Naru, dabbing her eyes with a tissue. "One that will get you into shape and hopefully teach you better eating habits!"

"YOU'RE SENDING ME TO A FAT CAMP?!?!" screeched Haruhi. She hadn't been this traumatized ever since the time she went through her parents' room for loose change, and came across a pair of fuzzy pink handcuffs. She had a hard time sleeping that night.

"I miss the days when we had our special cultural dinners together. Now you just abandon the people you love for junk food! Don't you love us anymore, Haruhi?"

"I do you love you guys! But this-"

"Then what about last week? I made a wonderful Swedish dish for you, and you just ran into the bathroom for three hours with a bucket of chicken!"

"I wanted to be alone!"

"And have easy access to the can," laughed Oruki. "Seriously, Haruhi, your mother and I can't keep calling over a plumber every time you clog the toilet."

"DEAR!" snarled Naru uncharacteristically, driving her elbow forcefully into her husband's ribs and sending him to the floor. "Show some compassion for our daughter!"

"OWWWW!!! OH, SWEET MOTHER OF GOD!!!" whined Oruki. "You were the one who said that we may need to buy a crane one of these days..."

"Mom!" Haruhi said in embarrassment, "You're making fun of me too?!"

Naru scratched the back of her head nervously. "Well, you are getting a _little _big... Oh, if only we hadn't spoiled you when you were just a child!"

And in a display of pure hammy acting, Oruki got on one knee and shook a fist at the heavens. He then proceeded to shout out a loud cry of...

"CURSE YOU, MCDONALDS!!! DAMN YOU AND YOUR CLOWN TO THE BLOODY BOWELS OF HELL!!!"

Haruhi facepalmed. "Dad, I think McDonalds isn't really the only one to blame for my current condition. I mean, I also eat a lot of candy and-"

"Nonsense, Haruhi!" interrupted her father. "It isn't your fault you were seduced by the malevolent cheer of that vile jester! It's because of him that me and your mother had to break the law to save you from yourself!"

"What do you mean?" asked Haruhi.

"Remember how that McDonalds you always went to caught fire one day and burned to the ground?" said Naru, wearing an eerie expression on her face.

Haruhi put two and two together and gasped. "YOU SET MCDONALDS ON FIRE?!?!"

"We did it for you, Haruhi! Because we're the kind of parents who care!" smiled Oruki.

"Oh. My. God. My parents are arsonists..." muttered Haruhi who was finding it very hard to breathe.

"It was surprisingly easy!" remarked Naru. "Went down just like that! Probably from all the grease. Though it's too bad they rebuilt it a month lat-"

"Stop. Just stop it," interrupted Haruhi. "I can't handle this much stress! First some girl calls me fat and then I find out my parents feel the same. THEN I discover my parents want to send me to fat camp and burned down fucking McDonalds! Well, guess what? I'm not going to camp for the summer! I'm staying home. And I'm happy with the shape of my body!"

"You mean a circle?" Oruki sarcastically asked.

"Besides, Haruhi," said Naru, "we already paid your admission fee. If you don't go, we'll lose a lot of money. And I won't be able to enjoy my new game room."

"Game room?" said a confused Haruhi.

Naru smiled like a shark with a brand-new set of pearly whites. "Yes, sweetie-pie! A game room! Your father and I are going to convert your room into a game and Jacuzzi room while you're away. You know how much I enjoy air-hockey!"

"You sold me out, mom! What happened to the whole 'I'm going to miss my precious baby thing'?!"

"But it's _air-hockey_..."

"You know what? Screw you, dad! And screw, you, too, mom!" roared Haruhi at her stunned parents. "I don't need this kind of abuse! I'm going to go out and never come back! See you later!"

And with that, Haruhi stomped out of the kitchen and walked out the front door... only to return three seconds later.

"But first I'm going to take a shower and use the bathroom. ...THEN you'll be sorry!"

Haruhi shut herself in the bathroom and locked the door. This gave Oruki and Naru ample time to make tea for themselves, ask each other about their days, discuss today's politics, play Hungry-Hungry Hippos, do the Macarena, finish their taxes for the year, and ponder the meaning of life. Afterwards, Haruhi came out in some fresh new clothes.

"Well, I'm leaving now. Don't run after me!" she warned.

Oruki gave his plump daughter a haughty look. "Don't you mean crawl after you?"

Naru snickered.

Haruhi flipped both of them off, took a deep breath, and then squeezed out the door. Her parents later found her passed out in the booth of a nearby Baskin Robbins, a paper cup in one hand and a pink spoon in the other. Two employees helped them pull her out of the booth and load her into the car for the ride home.

After they got the children to stop using her chest as a trampoline, of course.

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**A/N: Next chapter we meet Haruhi's friends. Will it be awkward? You bet.**

**Read & review!**


	3. The Ride to Camp

**Disclaimer: I do not own The Melancholy of Haruhi Suzumiya or any of its characters. I also do not own any of the materials referenced in this story either. This was made for entertainment purposes only and not for profit. So there you go.**

**A/N: Now we meet Haruhi's friends. And in case you guys are wondering, they don't have any supernatural powers, and they haven't met each other until this point. They're just regular kids, but with the same personalities (sort of). You'll also meet some familiar characters that I have mentioned in the first chapter. Enjoy!**

**P.S. And yes, BKE, I will use those ideas you gave me. They will happen soon. Just be patient.**

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Naru stood at the entrance to Haruhi's bedroom. She knew that she would regret this, but it for her daughter's own good. Someday, she'd thank them for this. Taking a deep breath, the young mother entered the dim room and peered around. Snack wrappers and loose clothes covered the floor.

"Haruhi, sweetie?" called Naru, walking over to a large lump on a custom-ordered bed, "It's time to get up."

The lump grunted and shifted.

Naru tried again. "Haruhi, come and eat your breakfast. I made your favorite. Three stacks of chocolate-chip pancakes, an omelet with yesterday's leftovers from Pizza Hut, and bacon! I even put syrup on it, just how you like!"

"I'm not hungry," drawled Haruhi from the safety of the sheets.

Naru raised an eyebrow at this. Not hungry? Haruhi practically ran a marathon to get into the kitchen at breakfast. She must be very upset. Time for the trump card...

"Haruhi, if you don't get up right now, then we'll be late for our family trip," Naru said.

To her joy, Haruhi sat up, threw the covers off, and stared at her. Then she quickly peeled of the pink spoon stuck to her cheek. She fixed Naru with an interested gaze.

_Perfect..._ Naru thought craftily.

"Family trip?" Haruhi wondered aloud. "I don't remember a trip being planned. Where are we going?"

"To visit our relatives across town!"

"Really? I haven't seen them since the time I accidently broke the porch swing..."

"Well, they are all waiting for us! And on the way there, we'll be stopping at a place you love! The happiest place on Earth!"

Haruhi's face lit up like a Christmas tree. "OH, BOY! CHUCKIE CHEEESE!!"

Haruhi adored Chuckie Cheese. They gave away great prizes, people always got out of the ball-pit for her, and the pizza was endless! So she jumped out of bed, slapped some clean clothes on (a simple shirt and shorts), and ran into the kitchen. She instantly began to wolf down the meal her mother had set out for her.

"Hey, mom?" Haruhi said through a mouth full of bacon, "Where's dad?"

"He's out warming up the car," Naru said, looking strangely depressed.

"Uhh, is everything okay, mom? You look sad. And why aren't you eating?"

"Your father and I already ate. And... I'm fine, Haruhi. Everything is okay, sweetheart."

"Oh. All right then. I'll try to eat faster so that we can get to the Play Zone quicker. I wanna play Whack-A-Mole!"

As Haruhi gulped down her breakfast, she failed to see her mother bury her head in her hands and weep softly into them. After Haruhi was finished, she grabbed her favorite jacket (favorite since it still fit her), and headed out to the family car. Oruki adjusted the seat so that his plus-sized angel could fit in the backseat, and after some pushing and a little sucking in, Haruhi was in. The front of the car went up in the air for a total of six inches.

"Huh. I guess I have put on some weight," mused Haruhi.

"Really? Whatever gave you that idea!" Oruki said, cupping the side of his face in a display of mock surprise while Naru glared at him. After buckling in their child, the elder Suzumiyas hopped in the front seat and began their road-trip. As they went through the streets of their neighborhood, Haruhi noticed a duffle-bag next to her.

"What's in the bag?" asked Haruhi, after a few moments of silence.

"Clothes. We'll be visiting for quite a while and I thought it would be best to pack you some clothes for our stay," replied Oruki, without even turning around.

"Oh. That's cool. I can't wait to get to Chuckie Cheese! I think I'll start with two pizzas and three baskets of mozzarella sticks and see how I'm feeling after that. So much cheese!" drooled Haruhi, anxious to clog her arteries with greasy Italian cuisine.

"That's lovely," drawled Naru, staring out the window.

"Hey, guys? Where are _your _clothes? In the back right?"

Neither Oruki or Naru said a word. Feeling somewhat creeped out, Haruhi glanced out the window to look at the sights. While she was wishing she had brought along her Nintendo DS, she noticed something crucial outside.

"Hey, mom, dad! I think we're going the wrong way. I remember the way to Chuckie Cheese and this isn't it. Are we going straight ahead to our cousin's or what? You promised we'd stop, mom!" Haruhi protested.

Oruki and Naru continued to stare ahead in silence.

"Guys?"

"Do it, dear," Naru said quietly. Oruki nodded and pressed a button on the driver's side. And to Haruhi's terror, there was a _click _sound on both sides of her. She whirled around in a panic. The doors were locked tight. It was then that Haruhi noticed just how tightly she had been buckled in.

"What's going on?! What's happening?! There's no vacation at all! Where are you two taking me?!" yelled Haruhi, throwing herself around to escape her bonds.

"I'm so sorry, Haruhi! We only betrayed your trust and manipulated your expectations because we love you!" cried Naru.

"What she said," Oruki said plainly.

"Where are we going?!" Haruhi demanded once more.

"You'll find out in a few more seconds," answered Oruki as they pulled into a large parking lot.

Haruhi looked out the windows and almost had a conniption. Standing around the parking lot were plenty of husky-sized kids her age and their families. Most of them were whining and crying their eyes out, while others stared at the ground angrily. Their families' were all desperately trying to give them words of praise and encouragement, but were large ignored. Haruhi recognized a few kids from her school, but there were also other kids that she hadn't even met before. Most of them were gathered in front of a huge yellow bus that said 'All Aboard To Camp Chubbybuddy!' on the side. Some were already filing into it.

"WHAT THE HELL?!?!" cried Haruhi in abject terror. "You're _still_ sending me to fat camp?! And you used false pretenses of Chuckie Cheese to do it! What kind of cold-blooded monsters do that to their baby?!"

"It's for your own good, Haruhi!" claimed Oruki, getting out of the car and opening Haruhi's door.

"You don't understand, Haruhi! I didn't want to send you to Camp Chubbybuddy at all! But your father was very convincing! He told me that the camp would cure that heart problem of yours. And then he told me we could buy Ms. Pac-man for the game room! You now much I enjoy chasing after pixilated fruit!" confessed Naru as she joined her husband in pulling Haruhi's legs out of the car.

Haruhi grabbed the front seat with both hands and yelled, "No way! I'm not going to some stupid fat camp! YOU'LL NEVER TAKE ME ALIVE!!!"

"SHE'S NOT BUDGING!!! QUICK, NARU!!! GRAB THE BUTTER!!!"

As Naru released her grip on Haruhi's legs, the heavy-set girl saw her chance. She barreled out the door at lightning speed, past her stunned folks, and streaked down the parking lot like a locomotive. Several onlookers watched in bewilderment.

"Ha ha!" laughed Haruhi, "I told you guys you could never catch- Oh!"

Haruhi suddenly tripped over a pebble and toppled forward. She landed on her front, creating a noise that sounded like someone dropping a balloon filled with pudding. Luckily, Haruhi wasn't hurt. Something had softened her landing.

"Phew! Thank god I landed on this patch of grass!" Haruhi huffed, patting the grass with appreciation. However, as she patted it, something felt a bit... off. The grass was almost _too_ soft.

"What a minute... This isn't grass!" Haruhi said with fear. She looked to her left and saw two burly gentlemen picking up the 'grass' and rolling it up like a shag carpet towards her.

"OH, NO!! NOT ASTRO-TURF!!!" Haruhi was quickly wrapped up like a taco and carried up to the bus. She watched with resentment as her father tossed her bag into the bus's storage compartment. Then he wandered over to her mother and the two began to wave.

"Have fun at camp, Haruhi! We'll buy you new underwear when you come back home!" shouted Oruki, waving enthusiastically.

"I'll miss you, sweetiepie! I'll name all my high-scores after you!" Naru took out a handkerchief and unleashed a truck-like honk into it.

Haruhi smiled sourly. "Yeah. Bye, mom. Bye, dad. I'll lose so much weight, that you'll never recognize me! I'll be the anorexic-bulimic daughter you've always wanted, you traitors!"

"Great!" smiled the oblivious twosome.

Haruhi growled as the two men unraveled her and set her on her feet. She knew it would be dumb to run again. Accepting defeat, Haruhi walked up the stairs of the bus and looked around. The bus smelled like sweat and...

Pizza?

"Well? Getting on or not? We only have one seat available before the second bus comes," murmured a sultry voice.

Haruhi glanced to see the voice's source. It had come from the bus's driver- a rather sexy-looking woman who was all curves with emerald-green hair, golden eyes, and a dull expression dressed in a forest-green camper's uniform with a red ascot. She wore a nametag with the words 'Hi! My Name is C.C.!' on it. It wasn't the woman's appearance that paralyzed Haruhi. It was the slice of pepperoni pizza that she held in her hand that did it.

"Guuuuuuuuuuuuuuuh..." slobbered Haruhi.

The woman noticed Haruhi's dazed expression, narrowed her eyes, and said flatly, "If you actually try to take this from me, I'll jam both my thumbs into your eyes so that your brain can rethink its decision. Now sit down."

Haruhi caught the death threat and hurried onto the bus. She saw that it was built like one of those old prison buses since it came with a chain-link fence that separated the kids from the driver. Understandable since the driver was smugly eating her pizza right in front of them all. Suddenly a lanky figure came into view from the shade behind C.C.'s seat. It was another young woman with curly red hair, piercing blue eyes, and a serious, but soft expression her face. Her nametag said 'Hi! My name is Kallen!'.

"Don't pay any attention to her. She gets worked up when her blood sugar is low," Kallen said cheerily, ignoring the venomous glare C.C. shot her. "Just have yourself a seat and then we can get going. Okay?"

"Sure," Haruhi said shakily as she noticed the taser strapped to Kallen's side. The red-head saw her discomfort and smiled.

"Don't worry about this. Rules say I have to carry this around in case you guys charge the exits, but I don't think it'll ever come to that. Kind of odd that they give you a taser for an extracurricular activity such as this, huh?" smiled Kallen as the taser flickered to life. Haruhi chuckled nervously and brushed past the attendant, looking for a place to sit. There was at least forty kids on board and it looked packed. At least it was air-conditioned. Currently at the front were two chunky guys with brown hair, one smiling and the other not, a cute girl with red hair burrowing as far down into her seat as she could, and- Oh! An open seat on the left!

"Excuse me, but is this seat taken?" Haruhi asked politely to the booth's occupant. Seated next to the window was a short girl with purplish hair and glasses who was actually quite thin- except for her bulging stomach and puffy cheeks. She actually looked very adorable. At the moment, said girl was reading some fantasy novel.

"Ummm..." Haruhi said unsurely.

"Sit down," the girl said in a bored tone.

Happy that she made contact, Haruhi sat herself down next to the girl, making sure she wouldn't smash her against the window since she was considerably smaller.

"Sorry if I'm squishing you," Haruhi said, noticing that the girl's right elbow was now jammed into her side.

"It's okay," murmured the girl, turning a page.

"All we all settled? Good! Now let's get moving, fatties!" hollered C.C. as she fired up the bus. Rather than roar away at one-hundred miles per hour, the bus painstakingly made its way towards camp. Haruhi decided to pass the time by looking at the passing scenery, but found it to be boring. So she took a nap. About half an hour later, she woke up to find that she was using her seatmate's head as a pillow and drooling on her lap. Embarrassed, Haruhi decided to strike up a conversation with the bookworm.

"So... what's your name?"

"...Yuki Nagato."

"Yuki, huh? Well, I'm Haruhi Suzumiya. Nice to meet you!"

"Mmmm."

"How come you're going to camp?"

"It's my second year going to another fat camp."

"Really? Why?"

"I gained back the weight I lost."

"Ouch."

"My parents were rather displeased with my current weight condition. And against my wishes, they have sent me to camp. It was my own fault for devouring so many snacks while playing my eroge-games."

"Oh. My parents did the same thing to me. Said I was getting too big for the house. Parents suck, huh?"

"Mmmm."

"Hey! I got an idea! You and me should stick together! You know, look out for each other and all that. What do you say, Yuki? Want to be my summer friend?"

"...Why not?"

"Yes! Yuki, you and I will be friends to the end!"

"Mmmm."

Happy that she'd made a new buddy already, Haruhi began to rock back in forth in her chair happily. As she hummed a tune, she looked out the window at the front of the bus. Apparently, they were in some forest now, because of all the pine trees on the sides of the road. Up ahead was a small wooden cabin with a large fat man sitting out front in a rocking chair. He had a protruding gut, wore messy orange clothes, and had spiky, almost-graying, black hair.

"Hey. Who's that weird-looking fat guy on the side of the road?" asked Haruhi as the bus made a turn.

Yuki stopped reading her book and said, "That's old man Goku. He lives a few miles away from the camp. They say his brain is filled with untold wisdom."

"And diabetes," snickered C.C. from her spot in the driver's seat.

"C'mon, kids! Let's all say hello to Mr. Goku!" Kallen said energetically to all the campers.

All the campers rolled down their windows and waved at the obese elderly man. Rather than wave back, Goku snarled like a rabid wolf, grabbed a large object next to his seat, and proceeded to half-run, half-waddle towards the bus. Everyone on board saw what he was holding and gaped.

It was a watermelon.

"_**IT'S OVER 9,000!!!!**_" he screamed as he tossed the ripe piece of produce at the bus.

_**SPLAT!**_

The children (and Kallen) screamed in horror at the attack. C.C. facepalmed and muttered 'Every friggin' time...'. Goku just laughed insanely, took off his pants, placed them atop his head, and danced the Funky Chicken in the middle of the road.

"That was unsettling..." said a wide-eyed Yuki.

"What the hell was that?!" yelped Haruhi. "That fat bastard could have killed us!"

"I probably should have mentioned that old man Goku is a hermit and has gone slightly insane from eating the berries indigenous to this forest."

"Ah."

Before Haruhi could ask why a mentally-unstable coot could be allowed to live near a camp for children, the bus came to a stop. Curious, Haruhi stood up and saw the bus had arrived at its destination. A giant wooden fence greeted them all with the words 'Welcome To Camp Chubbybuddy' written above it on a sign with all the colors of the rainbow. Gulping nervously, Haruhi watched as the gates swung open like the maw of a giant monster.

"Okay, kids! We are finally here! Camp Chubbybuddy!" Kallen announced with relish. C.C. giggled evilly. Across from her, Haruhi heard the brunette boy with a frown on his face sigh deeply. The sandy-haired one next to him gave him a comforting pat on the back, only to have his hand slapped away. The red-headed girl squeaked in fright.

Haruhi knew that for some reason, that this was going to be a summer she would never forget.

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**A/N: Next chapter, we'll meet the staff and get down to the proper introductions. And prepare yourself for abuse towards the hefty soon!**

**Read & Review!**


	4. Welcome to Camp Chubbybuddy!

**Disclaimer: I do not own The Melancholy of Haruhi Suzumiya or any of its characters. I also do not own any of the materials referenced in this story either. This was made for entertainment purposes only and not for profit. So there you go.**

**A/N: Prepare yourselves for loads of cameos! And slap-stick humor! And thank you, my reviewers! You sent in some pretty hilarious jokes. I'll use them in my upcoming chapters. I've also given the K-ON girls their personalities from the abridged series on YouTube made by Just5Guys. Now, have fun!**

**Kind of ironic that this is being written after Thanksgiving, a holiday that promotes gluttony. Oh, well. I also threw in ****Sayonara, Zetsubou-Sensei for a loyal reviewer of mine. Because I could. :P**

* * *

Haruhi and her new camp buddy, Yuki, watched as the bus slowly entered through the gates and began to make its way towards the parking lot at the bottom.

_Bottom?! _thought Haruhi with a start. She spun around in her seat (one of her love handles almost smacking Yuki's glasses off) and stared out the bus's back window. Her eyes widened in horror.

"This place is at the bottom of a _fucking _hill!?" she cried aloud.

"Afraid so," C.C. said with a sinister smirk. Kallen sighed in exasperation at her co-worker's cruelty.

"Be nice to them, you celery-headed bit- Oh, lookie, kids! It's one of camp's security guards! Say, hello to him!" Kallen said with a huge smile on her young face, while C.C. frowned in annoyance.

The bus full of teens looked to their left and saw that a small wooden shack lay behind the gate. A tall teenage boy exited through the tollbooth-like structure and gave them all a hearty wave of his hand. A cap of blue hair sat atop his head. At first glance, he looked like a rough-neck punk, but his eyes were kind.

"Hey, guys! Looks like you all came to the right place to lose some weight! My name is Ryuji and I'll be here alongside you guys to make sure you get the help you need!" the boy, Ryuji, said pleasantly.

The camper stared at Ryuji for a good ten seconds before breaking out into screams of "EMO!!!", "HE'S GONNA SACRIFICE OUR BONES TO THE PRINCE OF DRAGONS, and "IT'S THE DRAGON!!! WE MUST FLEE!!!".

Ryuji groaned and cupped his head in his left hand. "Why are the kids always afraid of me?"

Haruhi felt some pity for the poor guy so she leaned towards the window (giving Yuki a faceful of her side-fat) and waved at him. Ryuji perked up and waved back energetically.

"Glad to see someone hasn't wet their pants at me! Enjoy your stay, kids! We'll have plenty of fun!" Ryuji said merrily. The bus continued past him and down the hill's slope. As it drove further down, the blunette heard a chuckle behind him from inside the shack.

"Plenty of fun, eh?" snorted a short figure in the darkness, reading a magazine. "I know I'll have _fun_."

"Show some decorum this time, all right? We don't want any kids being sent to the nurses office like last time, okay?" frowned Ryuji.

The figure just shrugged and turned a page.

After some trial and error in trying to park (it's hard to drive when your hands are greasy from pizza), C.C. managed to park the bus near a wooden cabin which was the gift shop. The second bus arrived shortly after. One by one, the children filed out. Once out, Haruhi and Yuki inspected the bus out of curiosity. The bus seemed to have dipped several inches in the middle. The back two tires were now running on their axels.

"Wow. Maybe we do need to lose a few pounds," remarked Haruhi, suddenly feeling self-conscious.

"All right!" C.C. said happily, observing the damage, "We only popped TWO tires this time! I win the bet! YEEEESSS!!!"

Kallen shook her head with displeasure. "Damn... Now I gotta guard the kitchen tonight. I hate turning the hose on husky people. There's no sport. If I could only have brought along my Guren Mk-II-"

Kallen froze, noticing several children staring at her. "What?! Forget I said anything! Go talk to other people and wait for orientation to start! Go on! Go get your bags and have fun, fun, fun! Ha ha ha ha ha!"

The frightened kids quickly grabbed their backpacks, purses, duffel-bags, and hobo sacks from the bus and made their way further into camp. Haruhi marched on, looking at the many small cabins lined up on the healthy-looking grass. There were mountains in the distance and a thick forest of pine trees loomed behind a metal fence to the cabins' far right. They were pretty far out in the woods.

"Maybe we should sit down and wait for orientation," suggested Yuki , toddling after Haruhi and trying to keep with the brunette's pace.

"Sure. Why not? I need to sit down anyways. I'm sweating buckets and these shorts are really riding up my-" Haruhi stopped when Yuki raised a hand up to her.

"TMI, Haruhi. TMI."

"Oh. Sorry."

The female duo spotted a wooden bench with two seats on either side of it. It was miraculously unoccupied. Haruhi and Yuki rushed over to it to rest their tootsies, when Haruhi accidently bumped into someone. She stumbled back and glanced up at who she almost plowed over. It was an incredibly tall Chinese man with stark-white hair. He was very skinny and wore blue purple overalls and a blue shirt. Clutching a rake in one hand, he sent the two girls a soul-rending stare from underneath his violet visor and headphones.

"Sorry!" apologized Haruhi, "Didn't see where I was going."

"It's okay. No matter. I don't really care. Just as long as I can keep my lawn all nice and pretty. All pretty for C.C.. Sweet and lovely C.C...." drooled the man, his violet eyes flashing purple from his visor. "By the way, my name is Mao. I'm the groundskeeper here. Hope you kids have fun. ...While you can anyways. See ya. ...And by the way, I do not have any candy in my pockets."

And then Mao was off, sweeping leaves off the grass and humming a cheery tune.

"Erm... Okay?" Haruhi finally said, while Yuki looked on with wide eyes.

Shivering from their eerie encounter, Haruhi and Yuki zipped to the bench and sat down together on one side. The poor little bench began to cry out for help from under their heavy posteriors.

"I really need to exercise," huffed Yuki, removing her sweater and draping it across her skirt-covered lap. As she did, her wallet tumbled out onto the bench. Haruhi picked it up and opened it up to see a photo of a thinner, shorter, younger Yuki.

"That's me at the age of eleven," Yuki answered, noticing Haruhi's puzzled look.

"Huh."

"Hmmm?"

"Now that I look at you from this angle in your life, I can see that you actually have boobs now."

"...Thanks."

As Yuki swallowed down Haruhi's backhanded compliment, a shout came from behind. Haruhi and her purple-haired companion glanced over to see that a pair of teens- a chubby boy and a plump girl- were arguing on the opposite side of the bench. The boy had pitch-black hair and wore glasses, while the girl had wavy green hair and wore little red hair-clips. Bored and curious, Haruhi and Yuki decided to listen in.

"Oh, come on! Can't you just leave me alone? Go bug someone else!" demanded the boy.

"Please, sir! As your closet friend and former secretary, I've made it my job to make sure that you and I lose our weight together! I even promised your parents I would!" the girl explained.

"Emiri Kimidori, you are without a doubt, the most irritating person I have ever met!"

"Don't say that! I'm practically the only person who willingly wants to be your friend! Don't push me away."

"I couldn't even push you away if I wanted to! And I can lose my weight on my own just fine, thanks!"

"H-How dare you! And maybe you could lose a few pounds if you stopped eating those chocolate cigarettes! I know you brought some with you! Where are they?!"

"YOU STAY THE HELL AWAY FROM ME, GREENIE!!! I WAS THE GODDAMNED STUDENT COUNCIL PRESIDENT FOR CHRIST'S SAKES!!! I'LL NEVER REVEAL TO YOU THE LOCATION OF MY PRECIOUS BEAUTIES!!! NEVER!!! I'LL NEVER BETRAY THE PRECIOUS!!!"

The conversation went on with more shouting, until Haruhi and Yuki had their fill and looked at each other.

"Weird, huh?" whispered Haruhi.

"Uh-huh," agreed Yuki.

Across the grounds, another scenario was taking place. The door to the main cabin opened up and four girls in green t-shirts and powder-blue kacky shorts filed out. The lead girl looked very kind and had long blond hair and large eyebrows, the second girl behind her had short chestnut-brown hair with a small headband and a bored expression, and the third girl had long black hair and a mellow face. The fourth trailed along behind them, hair similar to the second girl, but without the headband. She was staring at a pretty little butterfly dancing on the wind and going about its life so it could go home and spend time with its wife and ki-

"YUI!!!" shouted headband-wearing girl.

"Huh? What's wrong, Ritsu?" said Yui.

"We're gonna be late for the orientation! Stop staring at bugs and hustle!"

"Okay, Ritsu!"

The foursome approached the mass of kids and the blond one rang a cowbell, causing the crowd to gather in front of them. Haruhi and Yuki were among the front of the gathering.

"Hello, kids! Welcome to Camp Chubbybuddy! My name is Tsumugi, but you guys can call me Mugi if you want!" the blond said with a sweet as honey smile. "And these are my friends! Ritsu, Mio, and Yui! And over there is the head of the administrative building, Azusa!"

To their side, a young girl with black hair tied in a long ponytail smiled peacefully and waved at them all.

Ritsu stepped up to talk next. "Hello, living continents of flesh! I am Ritsu! I will be here at your side until you shed those unsightly pounds and are once again able to walk amongst us normies! I am here for that reason only! Our highly successful rock band is not being made to spend the summer here running this fat camp as part of an endorsement deal that stated that we must spend a certain amount of time here! And it isn't Yui's fault that we're stuck here because she didn't read the small print! That is all! RITSUBER!!!"

Many of the campers had blank looks on their faces. Tsumuig's smile looked incredibly strained, Mio was pinching the bridge of her nose, and Yui was looking at a cloud shaped like a cloud. Ritsu stepped back, obviously pleased with herself, and elbowed Mio to the front. The stoic girl frowned darkly and coughed.

"Uh, hi. I'm Mio. I'm gonna be one of your consolers and teachers over the next couple of weeks. Hopefully, we'll be able to change your eating habits and put you guys on diets," Mio said calmly to the kids, electing many groans from them.

A fat boy in the back raised his hand and said, "What do you mean new diets? I already have a diet! It already consists of foods that I like!"

In the background, Ritsu made a crack about a 'seefood' diet that promptly went ignored.

Mio shook her head. "I meant that we're going to introduce alternate healthy lifestyles to your unhealthy diets. No more sugars, fats, and starches."

As plenty of kids yelled things like "WHAT THE HELL?!?!" and "MY CHEST HURTS!!!", Yui tottered up. She gave an opened-mouth smile to everyone and waved frantically.

"Hi! I'm Yui! I hope we have a great time together and have fun! If you guys do great, I'll do my best to reward you all! Loli-hugs and cake for all!" Yui cried joyously. This made many kids scream with happiness.

"All right, kids!" Tsumugi said in an attempt to gain control, "Yui was just kidding! Weren't you, Yui?"

"I'M THE CASTANET HERO!!!!!" shouted Yui.

"RITSUBER!!! PEPSI, PEPSI!!!" screamed Ristu.

Everyone in came sweatdropped, clearly afraid of the two mentally-unstable girls.

"Errr... Yeah, great," Mio muttered, embarrassed at the idiocy of her two friends, "Well, now that you've met us, it's time to introduce you guys to the rest of the staff. Not many of them are here yet or don't want to see you guys until it's time to work and receive their paychecks, so here we go. You've all met Mao already, right?"

A few feet away, Mao was dancing with his rake, while Slayer's Blood played on his headphones.

"Now here's another friendly face. Here's your track teacher, Mr. Barret Wallace!"

The children watched as a large African-American man with a jacket with torn sleeves, dark green pants, boots, a fingerless glove on his left hand, a sweat-stained white tank-top, and metal bands surrounding his swollen abdomen and left wrist appeared before them. His left upper arm was covered by a tattoo, designed with a flaming skull on it. Most noticeable was his right hand, which appeared to have some sort of gun grafted to it.

"Hello, children. I'm Mr. Barret and I'll be making sure you guys burn those calories. Man, it's hot out here!" wheezed the overweight war-hero. All of the kids stared at Barret in complete shock. Would he shoot at them with his gun? Was he really tough? As these questions raced through their minds, Yui decided to say something. Something possibly racist, but to her innocent mind, it seemed completely harmless.

"Wow! You're really, really black!"

Barret's eyes widened, Tsumuig and Mio's jaws dropped, Yuki's eyes bugged out, and Haruhi and Ritsu tried in vain to suppress their laughter. Azusa just facepalmed.

"Well! That's Mr. Barret, everyone! Let's move on!" Tsumugi said quickly. "Here's our local camp D.J. and her two assistants! Say hello to Miku Hatsune and her helpers, the Kagamine twins, Rin and Len!"

A girl with blue-green hair in twin-tails stood next to two nearly identical twins, a boy and a girl with electric-yellow hair. The girl, however, wore a white ribbon on her head.

"Hi, guys!" sang Miku and Len in unison.

Rin, however, opted to just stare down at her fingernails with a bored expression. "Sup, fatties."

"Here's our camp therapist and his assistant, Nozomu Itoshiki and Kafuka Fuura!"

"The fact that I am spending my entire summer at a fat camp and not at the beach with a drink in hand... has left me in despair..." whined a young man with raven hair, eye-glasses, a scowl on his lips, and a hakama and kimono combo.

"Cheer up, sensei!" chirped a girl with short, spiky, black hair and wearing an outfit similar to Kallen and C.C., "It could be worse! You could have gotten a sunburn or drowned! By being here, we get to meet new friends! Isn't that just peachy?"

Nozomu stared at Kafuka for a bit, before he flipped her off. She still kept smiling.

"What's up with him?" Haruhi asked out of curiosity.

"Mr. Itoshiki is suffering from a condition that we like to call "emo"," clarified Azusa.

"What's an emo?" Yui asked tilting her head to the side, pinky finger in her mouth.

"A fancy word for "A whiny, pasty, little bitch"," snickered Ritsu.

"Oh!"

Nozomu glared at the brunette and crossed with hands in an x-shaped formation at her, indicating that he had placed a curse on Ritsu. No one noticed or cared.

"And we'll be seeing more new people this week! Now go get settled in your cabins! Only five per cabin, so remember that! Write your name and weight down on the clipboard outside, so that we know who goes where and how much you've got to lose! Lunch we'll be served in an hour and then you can spend the rest of the day off! Now have a great day!" smiled Tsumugi.

"While you can!" snickered Ritsu nastily, before Mio punched her in the head. Azusa sighed deeply and Yui saw her butterfly from earlier. A second later, she skipped off after it.

The kids then scattered, leaving Haruhi and Yuki to try and find a cabin that would allow them to stay together. The two made their way past Barret, who was still standing around with his mouth hanging open. After a few seconds, he snapped out of his trance and walked away to his own cabin, hand clamped over his face.

"I seriously need a chocobo-burger..." he finally said.

Elsewhere, our two main characters were walking about, when Haruhi spotted a cabin with only three names on the clipboard hanging on the door. They read 'Itsuki Koizumi', 'Mikuru Asahina', and 'Kyon'. Listed next to them were their weights : 397, 342, and 400. Embarrassed, Haruhi and Yuki scribbled their names and weight down (350 and 297) and entered the cabin. Yuki went in first, fitting in very easily, while Haruhi had some trouble and had to suck in her gut.

"Stupid tiny door... How the hell did they expect us to get in here anyway... They didn't even put a ramp up here... just steps! What kind of- Huh?" said Haruhi noticing a bizarre scene occurring inside the cabin.

In the middle of the room were two boys from the bus she'd seen. The brown-haired one and the sandy-haired one. The one with much darker hair had his arms wrapped around his friend's waist. He was pretty burly-looking around the arms, but sported a beer-gut sticking out of the folds in his sweaty shirt. The other was gasping for air and was pretty chunky as well, with stump-like legs and sausage-like fingers. Watching the sight from her seat on a bed was the red-headed girl from the bus, too. She had her back to Haruhi and Yuki, giving them a clear view of her cellulite-filled butt hiding under her sweat pants and her jelly rolls sticking out of her sides. Yuki observed the entire scene as well, raising an orchid-colored eyebrow in the process.

"Damn it, Koizumi! How many times do I have to tell you?! A pinecone is not food! Even if it's coated in peanut-butter!" growled the boy as he squeezed harder.

"Ack! Gurk! Bleck! GRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAK!!!" sputtered the boy in unrecognizable sounds as a pinecone shot out of his mouth and out the door, just barely missing Haruhi's head.

"There. All better, Koizumi?" asked the boy.

"Yesss... Thanks, Kyon.... Stupid.... pica.... of mine..." rasped the fair-haired boy, kneeling on the floor.

"A-hem," coughed Haruhi.

The boys noticed the room's new occupants. The red-head did as well, glancing over her shoulder.

"Yo. I'm Kyon and this is Itsuki Koizumi. That's Mikuru Asahina over there. And you are...?" asked Kyon.

"Nice to meet you all. I'm Haruhi Suzumiya and this is Yuki Nagato!" greeted Haruhi, pointing to the nodding Yuki beside her. "Looks like we're bunking together!"

"Yeah. Looks like it."

"Uh-huh!"

"..."

"..."

"...I'll just show you around."

"Great!"

And so Kyon pointed out the basics of the lodge's interior. Five beds with stainless-steel supports (no bunk-beds for fear that the heavier children would break the top and crush their bunk-mate underneath), a single window, and a bathroom in the back.

"All right! A bathroom! That's great, because I want to change out of these shorts and get into my sweat pan-" Haruhi stopped when she saw the bathroom's interior. "THE HELL?!?! Look how tiny it is?! Yuki can't even fit through the doorway! And what's with the toilet?! I've picked stuff out of my teeth bigger than that!"

"It's supposed to motivate us to lose weight," explained Kyon, looking pissed-off as well. "It was built to suit the needs of a normal-sized person. Otherwise, we have to use the local bathroom across the grounds."

"Exactly. Not really that pleasant I hear. They supposedly have flies the size of mangoes in there," shuddered Itsuki.

"Ewwwwwwww..." moaned Mikuru, huddling herself, "I hate bugs... and mangoes."

Haruhi smiled and went up to Mikuru. "Don't worry, Mikuru! I'll make sure no bugs hurt someone as cute as you!"

Mikuru beamed and turned around to shake Haruhi's hand. Haruhi kept smiling and right before she could return the gesture, her eyes fell on Mikuru's chest. Haruhi's jaw dropped.

"HOLY FUCKING SHIT!!! THOSE ARE THE BIGGEST BOOBS I HAVE EVER SEEN!!!" shouted Haruhi. "WHAT THE HELL DID YOU EAT TO GET THOSE WHOPPERS?!?!"

It was true. Mikuru chest sported a pair of beachball-sized knockers that struggled against the bra she was wearing. Haruhi and Yuki's breasts seemed tiny in comparison. Mikuru's smile disappeared instantly and tears exploded out of eyes. She grabbed her blanket and pulled it over head, while sobbing loudly.

"What's wrong with you, you moron?! Asahina is very sensitive about her weight!!" scolded Kyon.

"HAVE YOU SEEN THOSE MONSTERS?!?! I thought my boobs were big! Those are goddamned F-cups! There's probably enough milk in them to feed all of the starving villages in Africa!!" shouted Haruhi. Mikuru cried louder. Yuki took this as an opportunity to sit in a metal chair in the corner to finish her book.

"SHUT UP!!!"

"MAKE ME!!!"

_**CRASH!!!**_

Haruhi and Kyon stopped yelling and turned to the thunderous sound. Even Mikuru peeked out to look. Everyone blinked in surprise at the sight of Yuki lying on a pile of twisted metal under her bottom. She blinked a few times from her place on the floor.

"It seems that I was a tad heavy for my chair," she deadpanned.

"A tad?" chuckled Itsuki, only to shut up when Yuki hurled her novel at his head. "OWWW!"

Suddenly, there was a buzzing sound and Miku's voice could be heard from an unseen intercom. "Hey, guys! D.J. Miku here! Just wanted to say that lunch we'll be ready in about twenty minutes! Hope you're all hungry!"

"Aren't they always?" laughed the mocking voice of Rin.

"Shut up, you jerk!" yelled Len. A cry of pain was heard and the announcement ended.

"Ohhh! Lunch! Wonder what we'll be having?" wondered Haruhi, licking her lips.

"I hear we'll be eating tofu," said Itsuki rubbing the welt on his head.

"Tofu? What's that?"

"A very healthy, very weird food," answered Kyon. "It's a bean curd that's made when you take soybeans and boil, grind, and strain them into a white paste that then turned into jiggly white cubes. No real flavor in them at all."

Haruhi's face turned whiter than a Nazi convention. "D-D-Did you say s-s-soybeans?"

"Yup. Hey, Suzumiya? Are you okay? You look a little pale," observed Kyon.

"Hey! Haruhi! You don't look so good!" chimed in Mikuru.

"Yeah. Your feet are swaying," agreed Itsuki.

"I'm g-good," stammered Haruhi, grabbing onto her left arm. "Just great! Hey, Kyon? Did they say what we're having for dessert?"

Kyon scratched his double-chin. " I think I heard somebody say something about rice-cakes."

And that's when Haruhi had a heart-attack.

* * *

**A/N: We meet more people next chapter and witness more heart-attacks! Yay! Plus, yoga! NO!!! Will Haruhi recover? **

**Read & Review!**


	5. Lunch, a Song, and Some Exercise

**Disclaimer: I do not own The Melancholy of Haruhi Suzumiya or any of its characters. I also do not own any of the materials referenced in this story either. This was made for entertainment purposes only and not for profit. So there you go.**

**A/N: About damn time I updated this parody. And I'm going to have the characters start calling each other by their first name, since they become close friends **

**Since you all asked for it, here is some actual fat people torture, you sadists. Also I added some more Melancholy characters for fun. Credit goes to Aster-Selene for coming up with the song in this part. Get ready for yoga and some running. And I have also given the Toradora characters their Abridged personalities.**

**Also.... **

**PALMTOP TIGER!!! RAAAAWWWRRR!!!**

* * *

"Okay-dokey! I'll try again! Hopefully she'll wake up this time!"

"Hmmmm....?" moaned Haruhi as her eyes fluttered open. They widened to the size of dinner plates when she saw that her mouth was pressed up against the mouth of another person. Said person was currently blowing air down her throat.

"Aaaaaauuuuuuuggggghhhhh!!!" yelled Haruhi, throwing the person off.

"Hooray! I saved another life from the infernal abyss! Take that Satan!" screamed the person happily. Sitting on the floor was a happy-looking teenage girl with pastel red hair that was very short. She was wearing a white nurse's outfit with a matching cap. Immediately, she jumped off the floor and shook Haruhi's hand.

"Hiya, there! I'm Minori I'm the nurse around here and I just saved your life!" she said energetically.

Haruhi blinked in confusion. "Uhhh... Hi. I'm Haruhi. How did I get here?"

"Your friends brought you," Minori pointed to Haruhi's bedside where Kyon, Yuki, Mikuru, and Itsuki were standing.

"What happened to me, guys?" Haruhi asked, a bit touched that some people actually cared about her.

"You had a small stroke, which we thought was a massive heart-attack. We had to drag you out of the cabin and all the way to the nurse's office," responded Kyon, patting her on the back.

"Getting you through the door was quite a strenuous task, Suzumiya. You got stuck twice!" Itsuki held up two fingers for emphasis, much to Haruhi's embarrassment.

"I almost broke my leg when you fell on me," deadpanned Yuki, shooting a side-glare at Mikuru.

"I said I was sorry! I have a bad back! Scoliosis kinda runs in my family tree!" whined Mikuru, waving her pudgy little arms in defense.

"Well, thanks, guys. You really helped me out back there. I think I almost saw my grandma... Huh? When did I change?" wondered Haruhi, noticing that she was now wearing a stretchy orange shirt and her favorite sweat/maternity pants.

"I changed you while you were asleep!" answered Minori. "Don't worry, though. I'm used to extremely unpleasant sights."

Haruhi's self-esteem did a nose-dive.

"Everything okay in there? Did we lose her?" asked a voice from further in the room. "I'd hate to make a depressing phone-call to her parents..."

Getting up from a nearby computer desk was another nurse, roughly about Minori's age. She had porcelain skin like a China doll, a slender figure, and navy blue hair that went all the way to her back. She fixed them all with a scrutinizing stare.

"Everything's super, Ami! I just saved another soul from the foul clutches of Satan! I got to shock her awake with my kiss of life!" Minori said with a bright smile.

Ami looked pretty weirded out (and so did everyone else). "That's just... great, Minori... Well, anyways, you guys can go now. Lunch just started two minutes ago, and I know you-"

Haruhi threw herself off the bed and dashed after her friends, who were speeding towards the door. Kyon zoomed out first, followed by Itsuki. Haruhi outpaced Yuki, but just as she was about to go through...

"Ow! Let me go through, Haruhi!"

"No way, Mikuru! You back up! I need food! I haven't eaten in like... THREE hours! MOVE!!!"

"...I CAN'T!!! I'm stuck!"

"WHAAAT?!!"

It was true. Haruhi and Mikuru were both wedged firmly in the doorway. Mikuru's right arm was jammed into Haruhi's stomach flab, while the previous girl's face was lodged into the latter's sideboob. Yuki watched the sight with a sense of curiosity and amusement as the two began to struggle.

"Mikuru! Get your nipple out of my eye!"

"Haruhi, stop moving! You're... hurting me!"

"I can't breathe!"

"I can't move my arm!"

Knowing that they would be late, Yuki walked right up to them to take action. "I... NEED... SUSTENANCE!!!"

Yuki charged forward with her shoulder, a la Wario, and knocked the two girls out of the doorway. Haruhi and Mikuru landed on the ground. Yuki catapulted over them and rushed after the two boys, the scent of curry in her nostrils.

"Hey... Wait for us, you purple cow!" growled Haruhi as she pushed herself off the ground and tore after Yuki.

Mikuru sat up as well, made sure her bra was still in place, and followed the. "Hey! Wait up for me!"

Ami watched this all unravel with a forlorn look, before she turned to Minori and asked somberly, "You think they'll get past the first week?"

Minori gave Ami her biggest, brightest smile and said, "Nope! This place will eat'em alive! Ha ha ha!"

"......You're creepy. Seriously."

**2 Minutes Later...**

Despite the fact that they knew they would be served healthy stuff, the five overweight teens rushed as fast as they could towards the mess hall to eat something. Kyon was sweating profusely as he threw open the metallic green double doors. As soon as he did, Itsuki slogged up to him and leaned against his back, panting heavily. The girls soon followed, Yuki almost looking even whiter than usual, and Haruhi and Mikuru holding onto each other for support.

"Oh, air-conditioner... My one true friend..." Mikuru said dreamily as the cool air hit their faces.

"C'mon... guys... Let's get a table... Oh, sweet lord, my heart is dying..." groaned Kyon, swaggering forward with the rest of sweat-drenched teens.

The kids were all gathered around the long plastic tables, sitting down on the thirty-foot wide steel reinforced benches and waiting for their food to be served to them. Haruhi thought she heard thunder, but it was just the sound of everybody's stomachs growling (hers included). The counselors were there too, seated at a normal-looking wooden table with regular seats to probably "identify" with the children.

"Huh. Check this out, guys," Itsuki pointed a stubby finger at the pick-up place for food.

It was a self-serve buffet-like setting. No lines at all. There appeared to be a kitchen in the back, the workers' voices and figures muffled and hidden by the doors. A small folded-up paper sign sat upon it, that read "Please do not open your covered dish when it is handed to you. Open it only when prompted."

"So where's out grub?" Haruhi said out loud.

Just then, two girls, one a teenager and the other a ten-year old or younger, came out of the kitchen in the back, each wheeling a metal cart with covered plates on them. The two of them each put a covered plate of food in front of each camper. For some odd reason, they were wearing little cartoon cat-head masks on their heads.

"Oh, hey there!" squeaked the youngster, a perky red-head with her hair in pigtails. "Here's your food!"

"Thanks," said Haruhi, taking the plate in her hands, but still keeping her eyes on those weird-ass hats, "Who are you guys?"

"We're working here as part of a summer-school thing," said the other girl, short dull brown hair crowning her head and a Southern drawl in her voice. "That's Chiyo. And I'm Ayu- Ya know what? Just call me Osaka. Everyone else does."

"Uh, sure," said Kyon. "I hope you don't mind me asking, but what's with the cat hats?"

"It's just for fun! Everyone loves cats, so we thought it would cheer people up!" Chiyo said merrily.

"Although, I thought my idea of decorating this place with dead cats was much better," brought up Osaka.

The room became dead silent.

"We're going to go sit down now," Kyon, Haruhi, Itsuki, Mikuru, and Yuki said instantaneously, rushing off with their plates as the chatter returned to the room.

"Miss Osaka! I told you to stop freaking people out!" Chiyo whined.

Osaka scratched her head. "What did I say?"

"Now where we gonna sit?" Haruhi wondered as they maneuvered around the crowded room. While doing so, they passed two chubby boys, one with brown spiky hair, and one with slicked-back silver hair.

"I don't want to be here, Riku!" complained the brunette.

"Tough luck, Sora," snapped the other kid. "This is what happens when you eat too many Papou fruits."

"DAMN YOU, PAPOU FRUITS!!! I SWEAR, ONCE I GET BACK ON MY ISLAND, I WILL WIPE FRUIT FROM EXISTENCE!!!"

"Yeah, sure."

Somewhere in the world, a Yoshi screamed in pure, unadulterated horror. But anyways...

"Where shall we sit at?" Yuki questioned, seeing as there were no available seats for them all to be together.

"HEY!! Over here! Come sits down with us!" said a voice with a lisp. The fivesome looked in the direction of the sound.

The voice had come from a cute girl with pudgy cheeks sitting at a nearby empty table. A second girl was sitting down at it next to her. The one who had called them over had outrageously long green hair that touched the floor and bright yellow eyes. She also had a fang protruding from her mouth and a giant forehead. She was clad in tight, hip-hugging, tan short-shorts and a midriff-exposing green tank-top that fought to hide her ample chest. Her creamy-white soccer ball-sized potbelly stuck out a few inches, looking like a bowl of cottage cheese. Compared to the other kids here, she looked pretty lean, though that statement itself was pretty farfetched. Her stick-like legs looked like they would snap under her girth. It was kinda like looking at a watermelon supported by toothpicks.

"Thank you for inviting us over," thanked Itsuki taking a seat, the others following suite. "Who are you?"

"My name's Tsuruya!" the fanged-camper said happily. "Who are you guys, nyoro?"

Haruhi blinked. "Nyoro?"

"That's my catchphrase."

"Oh, great. Another whimsical character. ....I'm Haruhi Suzumiya, chaser of the supernatural!"

"I'm- You know what? Call me Kyon. Everyone else does."

"Itsuki Koizumi. Pleased to meet you!"

"Um.... My name is Mikuru Asahina.

"..................Yuki Nagato."

"Oh, cool! Nice to meet ya all! Oh! Almost forgot! Here's my best buddy in the whole wide world!" grinned Tsuruya, slapping the girl next to her on the shoulder.

For a moment, Haruhi and the others quickly assumed they were staring at a fat version of Ami. They knew that this couldn't be, though; given that they had just seen Ami barely two minutes ago and she was as thin as a twig. The girl sitting next to Tsuruya bore a striking resemblance to the nurse they had met, but had incredibly large eyebrows. She was clad in a completely blue outfit- blue blouse, blue sweats, blue socks, blue shoes- that gave her the appearance of that fat blueberry kid from Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory. The girl's stomach consisted of three massive, jelly-like rolls that hung over her crotch. Her huge boobs perched over her gut's top like flabby gargoyles. She noticed she was now the center of attention and looked up from her covered plate at the five new people at the table.

"What? Never seen a fat chick before?" she snapped harshly.

"Oh, c'mon! Don't be grumpy! Say hi to our new pals!" encouraged Tsuruya.

"............Fine. So, yeah. My name's Ryoko Asakura. And I'm here because I'm fat and unattractive to the opposite sex. I hope we can all be friends while we're here together. Soooooo, yeah. That's it."

"Sorry if she sounds kinda mean, nyoro. Ryoko gets megas mad when her blood sugar gets low!"

"I AM NOT GRUMPY!!!"

And before anyone could say another word, something truly horrific happened. And when I say that, I mean it. It was really, really, really _bad_. The mess hall doors flew open and...

"All right, lardos! How's everybody doing?" asked a sultry voice.

Almost all of the children gasped. Ryoko and Tsuruya practically burrowed into their seats.

"EEEEKKK!!! IT'S THE PALMTOP TIGER!!!" wailed a girl from the back.

Haruhi raised an eyebrow and peered over at what everyone was so afraid of. Her jaw dropped.

It was a little girl.

Or more accurately, a rather small _teenage _girl dressed in the counselor uniform. Ryuji stood behind her and the juxtaposition was truly amazing, what with her head coming up to his stomach. Her hair was long and stopped at her waist, the color coming between cinnamon and blond. And she was short. Really short. The kind of short where you look at the person politely, and as soon as they're gone, say to your friend, "Damn! That kid is SHORT!". But I digress...

The two started to walk down the aisles. Every time the girl looked to her sides, kids flinched under her gaze. Suddenly she turned to a group of boys at one table and...

"Boo!"

"AAAARRRRGGGGHHHH!!!" screamed one kid as he clutched his chest and fell down. A grumbling Mio and an absentminded Yui sluggishly dragged him off to the nurses.

"Heh. Still got it!" beamed the girl, while Ryuji facepalmed.

"For the love of all that is fresh and lemony, Taiga, will you stop giving kids minor heart attacks?!" Ryuji complained.

"Relax, Ryuji! I'm just messing around with them! They know I'm just kidding, right, guys?" Taiga asked loud enough for everyone to hear. Several kids just cringed. Taiga lost her smile, blinked, shrugged, and made her way towards the rest of the counselors with Ryuji in tow.

Haruhi continued to watch and turned back to the cowering Ryoko and Tsuruya. "Who was that scary-ass loli?"

"That's Taiga..." Ryoko said in a voice that was barely a whisper. "She's in charge of security here. It's a summer job for here. Everyone calls her the Palmtop Tiger... but not to her face. That big guy is Ryuji and we call him the Dragon. He's actually kinda nice, but not everyoneShe LOVES torturing us. She's like a moe, little Hitler!"

"Yeah!" agreed Tsuruya. "The camp policy here is as long as you can makes it up the hill and out the gate, you can leaves! But NO ONE gets past Taiga! She's MEGAS mean! She calls me Cheeseball!"

"If you ask me..." Ryoko leaned forward so that the others could hear, "I think she only acts like a jerk because she's angry about how short she is. I mean look at her! She's-"

"Standing right behind you."

The occupants of the table shot up suddenly at the sight of Taiga standing right behind Tsuruya and Ryoko. Heck, even the author didn't see her! She's _that _short!

"Oh! Hi, Miss Taiga!" chirped Tsuruya, wearing an obviously fake-as-rhinestone smile, "I didn't see ya lurkin- er, standing there! Ha ha ha!"

Ryoko on the other hand, was too terrified to even say anything.

"Well, well... if it isn't Cheeseball and Ryoko _Fatass_akura! Nice to see you two here again!" Taiga said with a smile, playfully jabbing each girl in the side. Ryoko winced; why did Taiga have to use her old school nickname around here?

"Again?" Itsuki tilted his head to the side.

"We've been here before..." Tsuruya admitted with a hint of loathing, while Taiga's eyes widened.

"Hmmm? Who are you five? Haven't seen you guys around here," the short girl said, observing Haruhi, Kyon, Yuki, Mikuru, and Itsuki.

"Yeah, cause we just got here. I'm Haruhi," Haruhi answered, already not taking a liking to this tiger kid.

"Huh. thought you looked unfamiliar. Well, I'm Taiga. And this wonderfully mysophobic lug behind me is Ryuji," Tagia pointed her thumb at the blue-haired boy standing behind her.

"For the last time, Taiga! I AM NOT AFRAID OF DIRT OR GERMS!!!" Ryuji furiously shouted.

Taiga grinned up at him and pointed at the counselor table. "Mold."

"**WHERE!!!**" Everyone watched as he galloped over to the table and began a hurried search for bacteria that wasn't even there. Sweatdrops ensued.

"Well, anyways I hope you and I can be the best of friends, Haruhi. I like you already," Taiga mused as she brushed past Haruhi, stopped, and proceeded to poke her flabby gut. "Nice and squishy. Just like a bag of jelly. Have a great lunch! ...Or try, you bloated sacks of cholesterol. Bye!"

And then she flounced off. Ryoko and Tsuruya let out some deep sighs.

Haruhi grabbed at her stomach as though Taiga had just given her a venereal disease. "I hate her."

"Did you hear that? _'Well, anyways I hope you and I can be the best of friends, Haruhi. I like you already!' _What an asshole!" Ryoko said in a mocking impression of Taiga.

"She's really scary..." Mikuru blubbered.

"Well.... that literally scared the crap out of me," deadpanned Itsuki. Everyone shuffled _far_ away from him. Meanwhile, at the counselors' table, something was going down.

"So, what are we having?" Taiga asked as she sat down between Ryuji and a boy with mossy-green hair and glasses.

"We don't know yet, Taiga. Mugi is going to announce it in a bit.!" beamed the boy, named Yusaku. "By the way.... how is everything with you two?"

"What do you mean, Yusaku?" Ryuji had ceased his search to listen to his friend.

"Oh, nothing. Just let me know if you and Taiga need any relationship help. You can ask me in my room. With me. Alone. _Heh heh heh heh..._"

"Okay. Thanks."

As the Palmtop Tiger and the Dragon continued to obviously ignore the ominous gleam from their friend's glasses, Tsumugi began to ring her cowbell to get everyone's attention. "Attention campers! You can now start eating! Dig in!"

Tons of kids (no pun intended) threw open their covered plates. Haruhi cautiously threw open hers as well as her tablemates. She was wise to do so. For instead of piping hot curry, a serving of fried chicken, or some delicious pork ribs on rice, they found...

"What. The. Fuck. Is. This. Shit," Haruhi said slowly, enunciating each of her words slowly as she observed the six gelatinous white cubes on her plate, along with some non-fat yogurt, carrot sticks, and some weird-looking curry. Set aside was a cup of wheat-grass juice.

"I believe this is the tofu I heard about," said Kyon, jabbing at one of the blocks with his spoon. Over his musing, the other campers immediately began to make a fuss, forcing C.C. and Kallen to settle them down. When that didn't work, Taiga began to sit up; everyone shut up.

Haruhi grimaced and noticed that Tsuruya and Ryoko were wolfing down their food. "Why... _how_... Can you guys eat that stuff?"

"Cause if we don't clean our plates, Taiga will make us eat grass clippings, nyoro!" Tsuruya said with a mouthful of tofu.

"Oh, come on. Now you're just teasing me!"

Ryoko frowned and pointed at a bag of grass clippings in the corner of the room that was marked '**CATTLE FOOD**'.

"Oh," blinked Haruhi, deciding to sample some of her yogurt.

Itsuki observed his dish closely as if it were the cure for cancer on a Petri dish. "Imagine. This is the result of curdling and fermenting soy beans for a set time. Fascinating. ....I'm still not going to enjoy eating this, you know."

Mikuru picked up a carrot stick, stared at it, and then began to nibble on it. She was sniffling slightly. But the biggest reaction of all was Yuki. She just continued to stare down at her plate of tofu and tofu curry with an unreadable expression on her face. Slowly, delicately, she picked up her spoon and shoveled a small portion into her mouth. She chewed for a bit and swallowed.

"How is it?" asked Kyon.

Yuki sighed deeply and punched the bridge of her nose. "It is.... It is...." And then she broke down into small, quiet sobs in front of her new friends.

Haruhi picked up a cube of tofu and flicked it into her mouth. She began to chew but came to a startling realization.

"THERE IS NO FLAVOR!!!"

"That's kinda the point," answered Ryoko.

Haruhi frowned and decided to try her juice next. It looked like a light-green glass of mixed lawn clippings. Grimacing, she pinched her nose and took a swig. She drank until it was all gone. Her stomach began to make a funny sound.

"Whoa. That is NOT sitting right," Haruhi observed as her belly made sloshy sounds.

"Happened to me the first time! I slepts in the bathroom for a week, nyoro!" exclaimed Tsuruya.

Hearing that, Haruhi shuddered and began to try to choke down her carrot sticks, thinking they were French fries.

At the counselors' table, a similar situation was occurring.

"IT'S ALIVE!!!" shrieked Ritsu, stabbing viciously at her tofu. Yui poked her nervously, while Mio and Tsumugi daintily ate theirs.

"I like it!" Minori smiled, back from her nurse duties and already on her third serving. "You guys?"

"Eh," Ami muttered next to her spooning around her yogurt. For someone who constantly dieted, Ami really disliked healthy foods like this sometimes. Barret appeared to agree, since he was not eating but asleep, his head in a puddle of own drool with his empty wheat-grass juice glass in his hand.

C.C. stared at her plate for a bit, before she got up from the table. "If any of you need me, I'll be helping Mao with..... the...... Ah, fuck it."

She left, leaving Kallen to polish off her nonfat Yogurt. Mao had not joined them, instead, opting to spend his lunchtime getting high in the bus off gasoline fumes and listening to Metallica.

"Something wrong, sensei?" chirped Kafuka, nibbling on her carrot stick.

Nozomu stared down at his spoonful of tofu curry before placing it down and pinching the bridge of his nose. "All this healthy eating and tofu... has left me in despair..."

"COUGH!! EMO!! COUGH!!" Ritsu half-coughed, half-chortled to Yui and Ami's amusement.

Miku looked up from her juice at Rin and Len. Both twins had brought their own lunch: Rin was munching on some orange slices and Len was devouring an entire bunch of bananas. Looking around, Miku noted that all the kids were deathly quiet. It was like a cattle ranch with all the chewing (and the occasional burp or fart).

"I know how to liven things up! Can I sing a song for everyone?" Miku asked Tsumugi. Rin and Len immediately halted in their eating with terrified looks.

"Oh, that would be like, so cool!" Tsumugi gushed in her valley-girl accent. "Right, guys?"

"Ehh," said Mio.

"Fun things are fun! Singing is fun!" beamed Yui.

"As long as there are no forehead jokes in it about me, I'm cool with it," Ritsu proclaimed.

"All right! Rin! Len! Let's-"

"We are NOT dressing up as an orange and banana again," the twins said in unison.

Miku huffed. "Fine! I'll sing it myself. Stand by!"

Groaning the twins followed her, Miku making her way to a stage at the front of the room, a microphone in her hand. She adjusted this volume dealie on the side of her sleeve and spoke.

"Campers of Camp Chubbybuddy, get your ears ready for some beautiful music!" Miku announced with a flourish onstage as a spotlight shone on her from above. Rin and Len stood to her sides.

"What's going on now?" Haruhi pondered.

"I think we're about to find out..." droned Kyon as the lights dimmed.

"Oh, sweet merciful lord, just kill me now..." Taiga slammed her head into the table. She knew what was about to unfold...

"Okay, guys! Here's a song dedicated to the miracle of health, a king among beverages, and known in some circles of the world as nature's elixir! Yum! Here we go!" Miku cried enthusiastically, microphone to her lips.

And then Miku began her song....

"_Popipo pipo poppi po!  
Pi~!  
Come now, don't you love it?  
Fruit juice!  
That's my decision, I've decided it now.  
Thus you should drink my...  
Fruit juice!  
It costs just 200 Yen!  
Soyah! Soyah!  
Do say! Do say!  
Soyah! Soyah!  
Do say, do say!  
Very red fruit juice!  
Lovely, lovely, fruit juice!  
The best juice I choose for you would be...  
The cherry juice!  
Popipo pipo poppi po  
It's so fruity, a aa aa aa aaa~!  
Popipo pipo poppi po!  
Filled with energy! A aa aa aa aaa~!  
Popipo pipo poppi po!  
Now it's time for you to... A aa aa aa aaa~!  
Popipo pipo poppi po...  
To be a real lover of fruit juice~!!!_"

Miku finished her nonsensical song with a little spin, got down on knee, and then bowed so far forward that her perspiring head almost touched the stage. Rin, looking a bit lifeless, pulled a rope, dumping an icy bucket of water on the unmoving Miku. This was followed by a dead-faced Len, who slid out, black lines for eyes and a nonexistent mouth, and wordlessly draped a purple towel over her like a shawl. Then the spotlight went dead. A rather long silence followed, broken by Yui, Ritsu, Osaka, Chiyo, Tsuruya, Mikuru, Kafuka, and Yusaku, who were all clapping madly.

"I sure do like juice..." mused Osaka to no one in particular.

Miku stepped off with an embarrassed Rin and Len behind her. "Told you they'd love us!"

"Well," snapped Taiga, "That..... was peculiar. And since we have some daylight hours left children, why doesn't Mr. Barret take you all out for some yoga?"

"WHAAAT?!?!" cried the kids.

"WHAAAT?!?!" Barret. This was going to interfere with his nap schedule!

"Unless any of you guys have a problem with it..."

Everyone quickly devoured what they had left on their plates and began to move out the door.

"And if we have time, we'll have you guys run a few laps!"

"AWWWW!!!"

"Oh, come on! It's not that bad! Think of it as a way to become more attractive to the laws of society! And if-"

"UUUUURRRRRRPPPPPP!!!"

Everyone, and I mean everyone, looked over at Haruhi, who had just created that monstrous burp. Even Osaka and Chiyo had heard it. So strong was it that actually parted Mikuru's hair. A long silence followed being broken by Len's rambunctious laughter.

"Oh, MAN!! That WAS epic!" he howled. And shortly, some other people started laughing too. Haruhi included.

...Except Taiga, who's glare shut everyone up. "Something not agree with you, Suzumiya?"

Haruhi flinched under Taiga's eye. "Uh, no. No, Taiga. Just a little gas. I'm good now."

"And what do you we say when we belch?"

"Must be a barge coming through?" joked Ryuji. A stare from Taiga shut him up.

"No, Ryuji. We say 'excuse me'. Go on, Suzumiya. Say it."

"..._Excuse me_."

"Mmmm... Good little piglet. Now you and the others and can along now with the rest of the herd."

A pissed-off Haruhi made her way off with her newfound friends, while Barret trailed behind them. Though had they stayed around longer, Haruhi would have seen four pairs of eyes staring directly at her from the back of the crowd. Deciding to hide now, they blended in with everyone else. One of pair of peepers belonged to a person she knew from long ago....

The muscular hero then led the campers to a track, where they were to run laps. Rather than stand around and shout words of encouragement, Barret took out a folding-chair and sat his titanic ass down, somehow avoiding to turn the chair into kindling.

"Aren't you going to stand up and watch us run?" questioned Kyon, heading to the starting line alongside Itsuki.

"Stand in this heat? Hell no! I got a..... war wound! Standing is bad for it!" Barret lied though his teeth.

"I don't see anything wrong with you," Itsuki said, narrowing his eyes at the overweight coach. Kyon shook his head in agreement.

"Just run a lap, tubbs!"

"Give me and my friends one good reason why."

"You'll live longer."

"Give me another."

"I have a gun for an arm."

"...................You make a very threatening point, coach."

And after firing a shot into the air, Barret watched the kids run. There was about eighty of them or so. Most of them lumbered slowly off at a leisurely pace, while others had the running speed of a jellyfish. Being the smallest, Yuki was near the head of the pack, Itsuki shuffling off after her. Haruhi and Kyon jogged alongside one another in the middle. Despite weighing less than Kyon, Mikuru faltered behind them all.

"Stupid.... milkshakes...." she huffed, her face matching her hair color.

Tsuruya suddenly jogged up next to her. "How ya holdin' up, Mikuru?"

"I'm.... hanging..... Ryoko...."

"...I'm Tsuruya."

"Oh... It's the sun..."

It was then that Mikuru noticed that Tsuruya was running even slower than her. "Hey, Tsuruya.... How come you're running .... so slow? You're skinnier then me!"

"Oh!" exclaimed Tsuruya, "That's because I gots a doctor's note saying I can't runs too fast!"

"How come? ...And where can I get one?"

"Ha ha! You're really funny! If I runs too fast, I could breaks my legs! I'm so heavy up here, that applying all that pressure on my legs could make them all crunchy! Ha ha ha, nyoro!"

And she ambled ahead of Mikuru; Mikuru was glad that Tsuruya's hair was so long as she wouldn't have to stare at her suffering shorts from behind. Nearby, Ryoko was jiggling along, her rippling blue body like a sea during a storm.

"Gotta finish this lap. Go on, now. You can do this, Asakura! You can do this!" the blunette told herself. Unfortunately, fate decided to be an asshole, and Ryoko tripped on a pebble. She toppled forward on her gut and breasts, getting a mouthful of dirt. She slowly began to rise.

"If nature was kind... people should have been born with wings... AND RUNNING WOULD CEASE TO EXIST!!!" she howled, spitting out some dirt in the process.

"I need... a sports bra...." huffed Haruhi, sweat in her eyes.

"Me, too," agreed Kyon, underarms leaking like a punctured oil tanker.

Haruhi gave him an odd look. "...Really?"

"Don't judge me! I need the support!" the snarky teen yelled.

Up ahead, some of the campers had slowed down and were catching their breaths. Haruhi spotted Yuki next to that Emiri girl. Lying on the dirt was the glasses guy with black hair she had seen Emiri with.

"Get up, Mr. President!" urged Emiri.

"No, Kimidori... You go on... It's too late for me... Go on with your life... Get thin, be attractive, get married, have 2.5 kids, and a little dog with a house surrounded by a white picket fence... Just remember... We always had the pep rally together!!!" cried the boy in complete cheesiness.

"Then I will carry you!" Emiri cried, trying in vain to drag the boy who probably weighed far more than she did.

"Weirdoes," Yuki deadpanned to Haruhi and Kyon's shock.

After noticing that the kids were slowing down and still had yet to make a full circle, Barret blew his whistle and marched them to the center of all the cabins for some yoga; or as he called it: Fancy stretching. Barret quickly flipped through the book in his hand entitled "_Yoga Fitness: Travel To Perfect Health... WITH YOUR MIIIIND!!! By Chakron_". After going through a few pages that were either about astral projection or the crouching lotus position, he gave up.

"Okay, kids, just..... sit on the grass and try to touch your toes," he finally grunted.

So each kid tried to touch the tips of their toes. But unfortunately, most of the kids could barely make it around their boobs, let alone their toes (guys included).

"So far away!" complained Haruhi. "Damn you, boobs! First you don't get me any guys and now you're screwing with me _this _way?! ARRRGGGHHH!!!"

Mikuru was faring far worse; her stomach and monstrous chest were double-teaming her. She threw back her head and began to whine. Kyon wasn't doing any good, either. No matter how much he threw himself, he just couldn't tap the tip of his shoes. Yuki wasn't as fat, but she couldn't _quite _make it.

"So close... Yet... So far away..." she sighed.

Itsuki had given up just to eat some grass.

A triangle of ducks flew over them. Looking at the sky, it getting pretty dark. How long had they been out there? That is what Haruhi wondered.

"Nice formation..." she commented, admiring the way the ducks flew without a care in the world....

_**BLAM!!!**_

Haruhi and everyone else jumped at the sound. Looking up, she spotted the culprit. Haruhi's jaw dropped in a mixture of horror and morbid fascination.

"OH, MY GOD!!! THAT CRAZY BASTARD JUST SHOT A DUCK!!!" she screamed into the still air.

Barret, had in fact, just shot a duck right out of the sky. His gun-arm still smoked from the discharge. He caught the lifeless avian in one hand as the other birds flew for safety reasons. He held up his slain victim in his giant fist like a hideous trophy.

"TONIGHT... I FEAST LIKE A KING!!!" he exclaimed madly.

Haruhi was utterly shocked- could this be her future? Killing small animals to justify her munchies? No! That wouldn't happen! It just couldn't!

_I would never eat a small and defenseless animal! ...Unless it was already dead and in a container, but STILL! That guy is nuts! Who does something like that?! He just blew that poor duck away like he was at a shooting gallery!_ Haruhi gritted her teeth in anger.

"Hey!" cried Kyon, "That jerk has food!"

Haruhi lost her current train of thought. "Yeah! Let's get him!"

But before they could snack on 'smoked-duck', Tagia suddenly zoomed in front of everybody, a leather whip as black as night in her left hand. She cracked the ground with it, causing most of the advancing children to fall on their rears. Barret grinned and began to stroke his grim prize, only to have it slapped away by Taiga.

"WHAT THE HELL?!?!" he cried.

"No eating junk like that on my watch, buddy. Or do you want to set a bad example?" asked Taiga, sporting a grin that showed serrated teeth that could probably puncture metal.

Barret gulped. "Ummmmmm.... No, Miss Aisaka! Not at all! I'll.... just be going, okay! See ya!"

And off he ran (or as fast as he could for a fat guy).

Smiling, Taiga turned back to the crowd. "And no food for you, fatties! It's time for bed anyways! You guys have another full day ahead of you! Some more volunteer helpers are arriving and I can assure you that they won't be lenient as I am! NOW, GET!!!"

"AWWW!!!" whined the kids.

The campers lifted their fat selves from the bug and snake-infested ground and painstakingly walked into their retrospective cabins. Ryoko and Tsuruya waved to Haruhi and the others before marching into their own cabin that was two doors down. Everyone was too tired to even change their clothes, so they all decide to sleep in their clothes for today, despite the slaughterhouse-like smell.

"I can't handle weeks of this!" whined Haruhi, plopping onto her own bed. "My heart is literally trying to hang itself in my chest! I can FEEL it!"

"Can't talk. Need sleep," muttered Mikuru, sinking into her pillow. Yuki and Itsuki followed her lead.

"Well, we made it through today. We just gotta persevere and.... and.... I'm tired," Kyon plunked down into his bed. Looking over, he noticed Haruhi attempting to fluff her pillow. Feeling chivalrous he tossed her his own.

"What's this for?" she asked.

He shrugged. "Have mine. I really don't need my pillow. It's yours, Haruhi."

"Thanks. And you can all call me Haruhi from now on. We're all in this together. We're friends now, right?"

Kyon smiled. Haruhi smiled. Nothing could ruin this moment...

"_Hey, kids! DJ Miku here! Just wanted to let you all know that due to budget cuts, I will be doubling as both DJ and camp announcer! YAY! And to celebrate your first day here, I shall sing you all to sleep! HERE WE GOOOO!!!_" said Miku over the loudspeaker.

"On second thought.... give me my pillow back," Kyon said quickly, making a grab for the item near Haruhi's head.

"Oh, hell no! You lent it to me!" protested Haruhi, shoving him away.

"_Popipo pipo poppi po!_"

"GIMME THE PILLOW!!!"

"NEVER!!!"

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**A/N: I'll try to update this more often. I promise. Sorry if I left you all hanging. And happy new year! **

**Read & Review!**


	6. An Obese Omake: Haruhi's Big Butt

**Disclaimer: I do not own The Melancholy of Haruhi Suzumiya or any of its characters. I also do not own any of the materials referenced in this story either. This was made for entertainment purposes only and not for profit. So there you go.**

**A/N: Loyal reviewers and people who have subscribed to me, I am very sorry. What you are about to read is the twisted result of a 2 in the morning chat on AIM between me and my friend, BKE, trying to come up with more fat jokes for this fic, and way too much sugar in my blood system. We were just goofing off and playing a game where I start with a random sentence and then he followed it up with his own and................**

**...This is what happened. Consider it a treat while I write the next chapter and update my other fics.**

**And thank you for all the alerts, favorites, reviews, and enduring this REALLY original, yet odd as hell idea for this fandom up to this point.**

**Credit goes to BKE for this. I wish him well on his luck for his fic "Fool in the Rain".**

**Enjoy.**

* * *

Kyon was walking down the street, minding his own business, when he saw an astonishing sight!

Haruhi's big fat ass.

He was filled with the mighty urge to hump that tasty piece of meat with the full force of a thousand horny bulls. And Itsuki was off in the distance, realizing he will never get a taste of sweet booty, man or woman.

Yuki became jealous that Haruhi's ass was preferred by many.

She looked down at her own and realized an important truth.........

She was punier than Imouto!

So she decided that she needed to do something about it. As Kyon ran towards Haruhi, Yuki tripped him and sauntered up to her.

She carried in her hands a weapon of unimaginable power, at least toward Haruhi's ass: a liposuction vacuum.

Haruhi asked what was going on, but her eyes widened with horror as Yuki ripped off her skirt with a crazed gleam in her eyes.

"No longer will I be upstaged by the power of your gluteus maximus, Haruhi Suzumiya."

"But, Yuki.... WHY?!?!"

"This is personal, this is about ass."

Haruhi spun around and began to run, Yuki giving chase as they leapt over the semi-conscious Kyon.

"....Sweet........ tender........... booty..." he said pitifully.

Kyon struggled to get up and was helped up and approached by none other than................ Ryoko Asakura!

"Listen, I know we're supposed to be enemies and all, but I think we can work together, since you want Haruhi Suzumiya's sweet booty, and I want Yuki's taste on my lips, so I think we can pull together on this one," Ryoko said calmly.

Nodding, Kyon and Ryoko caught up to Yuki and Haruhi, the latter being held up against a wall.

"No, Nagato! You've got so much more in store for you if you don't take Haruhi's........um......... ass away, like how Asakura wants to 69 with you!" shouted Kyon.

Yuki turned around with a sneer on her porcelain face. "Yeah, right. Like I'd hit someone with eyebrows like a freaking gorilla."

And it was then that Ryoko's eyes started to water, her face contorted, and she bawled, running down the street, yelling, "UGLY! I'm SO UGLYLYEE!", and Kyon was stunned that Yuki could be so bad.

"But you're not ugly, Asakura! Um.... I like you!" Kyon sort half-lied as he had found her kind of attractive when he had first met her.

It was futile, as she had already run, possibly to return in another sentence, and Kyon faced that Yuki was about to remove the love of his life's most precious part of her, and turned to say to Yuki...........

"Damn it, Yuki, I always thought you had a cute little ass!" he bellowed, actually using her first name.

This caused Yuki to drop the liposuction tool, and her own lips started to quiver, "So.......so you actually think I'm attractive?"

"Yes," smiled Kyon, while Haruhi became visibly enraged.

_WHAT?!?!_ she thought, _HOW DARE HE, THE STUPID PIG, CHOOSE THAT SPARCE LUMP OF CHICKEN OVER FINE GRADE A MEAT LIKE ME?!!!?_

Haruhi turned around flung her ass directly at Yuki, a la the Peach Bomber, with the intent of killing her!

Yuki was dying, her lungs crushed beneath the mass of a fat teenage school girl, "Kyon....come, come and save me," she said breathlessly.

Kyon could only watch in horror as Haruhi sat up to crush Yuki again, but was amazed to see a maid-dressed Mikuru leap between Yuki's prone form and Haruhi's butt, a defiant look on her cute face.

She pushed with all of her busty might against the chubby, tubby, lovable, huggable Haruhi and said, "Kyon, drag Yuki out of the way while I get back at this meatloaf for all the grabbing she's done on me!"

"Oh, no! My one weakness! Mikuru's giant boobs!" howled Haruhi as Mikuru chest-slammed into her , while Kyon picked up Yuki bridal-style.

Now that Yuki was safe, Mikuru switched into battle waitress mode and pulled out a weapon that was even worse than the lipo vacuum: A feather for tickling, and she moved to pull off Haruhi's shoes.

"Mwa ha ha ha ha......" chuckled Mikuru, Itsuki furiously masturbating to the hot sight.

And as this happened, the girls of Lucky Star watching horrified as their favorite anime characters embarrassed themselves, Konata said, "Whoa, Kagamin! Mikuru-chan's gotten yanyan on us!"

Haruhi continued giggling spastically until she opened her eyes and saw a figure approaching them: it was none other than Kuyou Suou!

Her hair was moving like snakes and the expression on her face said one thing: IT'S BUTT RAPE TIME!

"____ALL YOUR___ASS___BELONG TO ME....____" she grinned evilly, much to the Brigade's terror.

And the Lucky Star crew watched again as Kuyou's hair gave each and every single character it touched a serious ride, while somewhere in the distance, Kunikida was in a store, wondering if anything interesting was happening.

* * *

**A/N: Well, now........................ does your brain hurt now, dear reader? It probably should.**

**I'll have the next chapter up in a while. Expect a deep fryer and the return of some familiar villains/foil characters to show up!**

**Read & Review!**


	7. I Dream of Burgers and Dragons

**Disclaimer: I do not own The Melancholy of Haruhi Suzumiya or any of its characters. I also do not own any of the materials referenced in this story either. This was made for entertainment purposes only and not for profit. So there you go.**

**A/N: Credit goes to Nukerjsr, BKE, ComicGhost, AprilFool1993, Nederbird, Gladiator Beast MCK, and ObsidianWarrior for supplying me with all sorts of material. You guys rock!**

**This chapter is more or less an introductory chapter to some more characters. But there's still a small plot point at the end. I can promise you that. Also, I will try to keep my chapters from being too long so I can update at a quicker pace.**

**Once again, I encourage you guys to review and tell me if you laughed, smiled, grinned, or raised an eyebrow in complete bewilderment and said, "What the fuck was this guy huffing/smoking/eating while writing this?"**

**Enjoy.**

**WARNING: This chapter will be a great thought-fucking experience.**

* * *

Haruhi slowly sat up from her grubby, little cot and yawned deeply. It wasn't at all like her soft cushy bed at home, but it still did the trick. She began to get up. It was then that she noticed something odd about her cabin room.

She wasn't even _in _her cabin.

"The hell? ....Kyon? Kyon! Yuki, Mikuru, Itsuki? Where are you guys? Where are you all hiding? Is this some kind of hazing?!" Haruhi shouted out. The reason for her discomfort stemmed from the fact that Haruhi's bed was in the middle of a giant meadow. Her friends didn't seem to be around. Haruhi crawled out of her bed in her clothes from yesterday.

"How did I get outside?" she asked herself. "And furthermore, did I miss breakfast?"

"No, you didn't, my plus-sized friend," spoke a voice that sounded like rocks crushing together. Haruhi visibly jumped and whirled around. What she saw made her jaw and two chins drop.

It was a dragon.

A real-as-the-nose-on-your-face traditional Western dragon. It was clearly a male from the sound of its voice and lying on its belly on the grass. He was as big as a motor home and with a wingspan the size of two speedboats. The dragon had golden scales on his underside and everywhere else was like amethysts. He stared at Haruhi with eyes like rubies. A lengthy tail with a triangular tip swished behind him. Haruhi would have been intimidated by his sword-like teeth and dagger-like claws, but she was too excited. Well...... that and the dragon was wearing an enormous top-hat and a monocle the size of a basketball over his right eye.

"Omigosh! A REAL dragon! I _knew _you guys existed!" Haruhi squealed.

"Why, hello, hello, hello, Haruhi Suzumiya. Allow me to introduce myself. I am Steve the dragon," said the dragon in a polite stereotypical British voice. Which was pretty damn unusual in itself because he was speaking in Haruhi's native Japanese tongue. But seriously, you don't correct something that breathes fucking fire.

"You KNOW my name?" Haruhi said with wonder in her eyes.

"Why, of course, my wonderfully plump and pudgy friend. I heard your cries of sadness and came as fast as I could. I have whisked you away to this field in order to take you to a wondrous place," Steve boomed in his loud voice, snorting a smoke-ring from his nostrils.

"Oh, joy!" sniffled Haruhi, wiping a tear from her eye and smiling. "But where is that? And where are my friends?"

"All shall be answered in due time, Haruhi. Now, please climb aboard," Steve concluded, extending his left wings towards Haruhi like a ramp. Haruhi looked at the wing and shifted her feet shyly.

"What's wrong?"

"Aren't I kinda big?"

"Oh, ho ho ho ho ho! Nonsense, my tubby friend! If I can swoop down and tear a blue whale in half, I can surely carry you!"

"Ummm, thanks. And quit calling me fat!"

"Sorry. Force of habit."

And so, Haruhi walked up the wing, grabbed a hold of Steve's first dorsal spike, and sat back. With a mighty kick, Steve launched far into the sky with Haruhi hanging on for dear life. They soared past the clouds until they were surrounded by the stars and darkness.

"Are we really in space?" Haruhi asked as they flew past the FOX satellite dish. "How can we still breathe up here?"

"Good ol' Rayquaza showed me how, Haruhi!" replied Steve. "Oh. Hang on a sec."

Steve turned his entire body around and faced an asteroid that had been following them for the past two minutes. He opened his jaws and spat a fireball at it that reduced the lump of stone into a million pieces.

"Huh. Wonder why it was following us? Must have had something to do with a powerful force exhibiting an orbit..." mused Steve to himself. Haruhi shifted her eyes from side to side. The two flew off again into the darkness. Along the way, they passed an ice-dragon.

"Hey, Brionic," said Steve.

"Sup, Steve. I gotta go to Pizza Hut. My folks are throwin' my sis her B-day party. Laters," said Brionic.

"Kay. Laters."

They flew off from each other. As they did, Haruhi decided to ask Steve something weighing on her mind (no pun intended).

"Hey, Steve! I think that rock was following us because I'm so.... big-boned."

"Oh? Huh. Perhaps you do have a point."

"Yeah. And I wanna know something. If that's true, then why aren't YOU attracting space debris! You're bigger than me!"

"Maybe it's because I'm not shaped like a spherical object?"

"Excuse me?!"

"Oh, look! We're already here!"

On Steve's back, Haruhi spotted something floating in the distance after that confusing scene. She blinked. It was a KFC on top of a chunk of space-rock. Steve flew in through the huge double sliding doors and landed in the vacant lobby. So large was the interior, that Steve was able to fit inside, his wings almost touching the ceiling. A statue of Colonel Sanders stood in the middle of the room.

"Wow! Who knew the Colonel expanded into the stars!" exclaimed Haruhi. She turned and saw a table covered in buckets of chicken, bowls of mashed potatoes and gravy, every known side-dish, and all kinds of chicken sandwiches. She almost wanted to cry.

"Is this all for me?" Haruhi asked Steve, her body jiggling with excitement.

"Why, certainly, Haruhi! Go on! Eat your fill! Go nuts!" chirped Steve, preoccupied with sipping a steaming hot cup of tea in his claws.

"Is there any of that grilled stuff here?"

"Hell, no. They don't serve that shit here. Original recipe all the way."

"FUCK, YEAH!!"

Haruhi grinned widely and dove right in. She pulled herself a seat at the booth and began to stuff her face with food. She dipped an entire chicken breast in mashed potatoes and shoved it into her mouth. She chewed the entire thing to bits and swallowed- bones included. Bored with just taking the chicken out, Haruhi began to stuff her head into the buckets and began to eat from there. Occasionally, she rise up to take a breather and chug down a Coke or Sprite from a paper cup that seemed to magically spawn right next to her.

As she ate and her stomach grew bigger, Steve watched with a mixture of disgust and wonder as he nibbled a crumpet. "I say.... GIRL CAN EAT!"

Done with just eating plain chicken and side-dishes, Haruhi snatched up a boneless chicken breast sandwich and stuffed the sucker into her mouth. She only chewed about four times before swallowing. This was the fate of thirteen more sandwiches.

"You doing okay there, Haruhi?" inquired Steve, done eating piece of chicken that he had caught from Haruhi's frenzy (he had Extra Crispified it of course). He would have raised an eyebrow but since he was a reptile, he lacked the facial requirements to do so.

"I'm... I'm just a little bit bloated, Steve..." grunted Haruhi, while her humongous tummy groaned and churned in protest. It looked like an exercise ball jutting out from beneath her shirt (which was stretching to its limits). Her fingers look like hot dogs and her legs were sinking into growing fat. Haruhi's bra size had gone from D to E. There was a cracking sound, and Haruhi's enormous butt flattened the chair she was sitting on.

"I think I had too much chicken," deadpanned Haruhi. She sat up with some difficulty and noticed a lonely morsel that had gotten away from her.

A Double Down Sandwich.

"Oh, yummy!" Licking the grease off her lips, she leaned forward to grab it when she heard a most peculiar noise.

"Oh, Kenta-kun~! I'd thought I'd NEVER find you!" gushed a high-pitched feminine voice.

Haruhi looked up to see a girl with red hair and a little white hat dry-humping the statue of the colonel. Just as she was picking the statue up, Haruhi decided to say something about it.

"H-H-Hey! Where are ya goin'.... W-W-With the Colonel....?" Haruhi wheezed out, sweat on her pudgy cheeks.

The girl stared at Haruhi with sparkling eyes. "My name's Rena! And I'm going to take Kenta-kun home with me! And if you try to stop me..." she pulled a bill-hook cleaver out of thin air and swung it menacingly through the air, "I'LL KILL YOU!!!"

Haruhi blinked. "H-Have fun then."

And with that, Rena hoisted up the statue and leapt out into outer space with her prize to a shout of, "Omochikaeri!!!". Steve and Haruhi stared after her and just decided to ignore what happened. Haruhi had _somehow _managed to get at the sandwich and held it before herself.

"Should I eat it, Steve? I am kinda full..." she asked.

"Why the hell not, Haruhi? Weigh doesn't exist in space! Ha ha ha ha!" chuckled the dragon, now wearing a blazer and holding a cup of brandy in his left claw.

"But how come my chair broke then?"

"Haruhi.... I'm a _dragon_. Are you really going to start questioning the laws of physics and realism now?"

"Well, what do you know? I guess I shouldn't!"

So Haruhi popped the sandwich in her mouth and gulped it down. She didn't even chew it! Content that she had filled her stomach, Haruhi leaned back....

...And fell right off her chair pile.

"OWWW!!!" shouted Haruhi as she sank into the floor on her breasts. "Steve, help me up!"

Steve stopped smoking his bubble-pipe and crawled over. He plucked up Haruhi by the scruff of her neck and pulled. Haruhi screamed a bit in pain, but she had so much loose skin that it didn't actually harm her. Steve pulled her up with some difficulty and set down the obese tsundere on the sturdy counter.

"Thank you, Steve!" Haruhi hugged the dragon gratefully.

"Urk! ...Heavy... Hey, Haruhi... Wanna see the thing in the back?" Steve grunted.

"Sure! Is it food? That fall made me hungry."

"Just follow me! Lord, you're heavy..."

"Hmmmm?"

"FOLLOW ME!!!"

Steve led the waddling Haruhi to the back where a glowing door stood. Nudging the door open with his nose, Steve stepped back to let Haruhi take in the view. It sure as hell wasn't a room full of cleaning supplies. It was a huge valley with mist lining the very bottom of it. And several feet away was a tall mountaintop with some kind of old-fashioned temple sitting atop it. Steve had Haruhi get on his back again and flew towards it. There was a flight problem, though.

"Haruhi...?"

"Yeah!"

"You're a little heavy, Haruhi..."

"Yeah!"

"...We're going down."

_**CRASH!!!**_

And so Steve crashed through the temple roof. He sent debris flying everywhere and skidded on the immaculate white floors on his claws. While he managed to recover, Haruhi was bucked off his back like a rodeo cowboy off a bronco, and sent hurdling up ahead. She ended up breaking her fall by crashing into a pile of candles.

"Yeah............." said a dazed Haruhi, lying flat on her back.

"Hey! You ruined our sacred union! ...OH! It's the chosen one!" shouted a familiar voice.

Haruhi sat up clumsily and her flabby jaw dropped; standing a few away from her Kyon, Mikuru, Yuki, and Itsuki. What was odd about them was the fact that they were all wearing red and yellow robs like priests and nuns do.

"Hey, guys! I was just eating some KFC with my new pal, Steve the Dragon!" Haruhi pointed at Steve flexing his neck, wings, and shoulders into place, "And he wanted to show me- why the hell are you guys wearing mumus?"

".........._Robe_," Kyon said softly, gesturing to his goofy-looking garbs.

Steve giggled and murmured something akin to, "Whatever floats your boat, Shamu.". Haruhi surveyed the dimly-lit room and saw that her friends were kneeling before a shrine of sorts decorated with red and yellow tapestry. In front of each kid was a Happy Meal and right on the shrine wall was a statue of the crucified Jesus.

_The fuck?!_ Haruhi thought, realizing that the figure wasn't Jesus. It looked like...

Holy shit, it was Ronald McDonald. Yes, reader, Ronald McfuckingDonald. Or at least a statue of him. The beloved/terrifying mascot was hung from a giant golden 'M' by his hands and feet. He wore a dreamy expression on his face and on top of his head was a crown of French Fries. Ketchup leaked from his forehead.

"Wow... That's both delicious AND sacrilegious!" exclaimed Haruhi.

Itsuki came up to her with a fancy goblet filled with Sprite and chucked it at Haruhi's face, then said, "We have been waiting for you, Haruhi Suzumiya. You shall become the figurehead of our wonderful new paradise."

"Really? What are you talking about, Itsuki?" asked Haruhi, wiping the beverage off her face and licking it up.

"A world where people of our size can't be made fun of when we eat too much or fall down the stairs!" Mikuru said loudly, while waving her stubby arms.

"It is the wonderful religion of Mickey Deeism!" Kyon proclaimed like a mad zealot.

"And we want you to lead us in prayer," added in Yuki.

"Oh.... Sure thing! Go ahead and start!" Haruhi said with a smile. And so Haruhi sat back with Steve to watch the praying unfold.

"Dear, lord. Please give the strength to cross the parking lot of destiny. May a Happy Meal toy greet us in the drive-thru of happiness. And let all who doubt your holy goodness, receive nothing but bags of apple slices. Because seriously, who wants to go to McDonalds and eat a fucking apple? Lord, hear our prayer and cover it with melted cheese and flavor-marks. RAN-RAN-RUU!!!" Kyon, Mikuru, Yuki, and Itsuki all yelled in unison, waving the big sleeves everywhere.

"Well..... that was nice..." Haruhi sweatdropped. Steve shrugged and decided to examine his claws.

"Here's a gift for our new savior!" announced Kyon, pulling down on a silk rope that had magically appeared in his hand. A panel above Haruhi opened, and before you knew it, a pile of Big Macs and fries fell in front of her. Her hunger fired up again, and she began to stuff her face once more. Meanwhile, Steve conducted the kids in a rousing chorus of "U.N. Owen was Ronald McDonald". As the kids tried to mimic the epic Touhou boss fight music remix, two figures approached Haruhi.

"Mom! Dad! What are you guys doing here?" Haruhi asked as her parents trudged up to her.

"We came to support you, Haruhi!" smiled Naru, munching on a Quarter-Pounder with Cheese. "We don't care if you're fat of thin. Fat people are much happier than those skinny assholes! Right, dear?"

"Eh, whatever..." muttered Oruki, inspecting his shoes for dirt. The moment he noticed Kyon ogling his wife, he sent a nasty glare in his direction that sent the poor fattie scuttling off. Geez, even in a dream sequence, this guy is a complete scary bastard!

And so Haruhi kept stuffing her face while everyone sang and danced. There was a tearing sound as her pants ripped to accommodate her gut, but she really didn't notice. Suddenly the door opened, sending a cold gust of wind into the room. Everyone turned to face the newcomer.

"Oh, lordie. You've gotten uglier than the last time I saw you!" shouted an amazed Taiga, walking into the room. Haruhi's four friends then all unleashed girlish screamed and passed out due to heart attacks. Haruhi noticed her mom and dad had vanished as well. But since her binge, Haruhi was now three times the size and weight of Taiga. She smirked.

"Get lost, shortie! I don't care about the way my body looks! I like being fat! What do you think of that, Miss Palmtop Tiger?" Haruhi asked haughtily.

Taiga rolled her eyes at her lame nickname and replied, "Well, at least I can _see_ my vagina."

Haruhi growled deeply and slid forward on her fat ass like a waterlogged-slug. "I don't care! You don't scare me anymore, Taiga!"

"Oh?" Taiga grinned and reached up to her own head. Haruhi watched as the loli twisted her own head like a helmet and began to actually _take it off_.

"What the...." said Haruhi. Taiga's head tumbled to the floor, followed by her skin. What stood there wasn't Taiga anymore.

It was a Bengal tiger the size of a pickup truck.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!!!" screamed Steve, who ran off to go get the fuck into his car, clearly forgetting that's what you do with a lion. The tigress then stalked up to Haruhi and slashed her claws over the tsundere's belly. There was no wound, however.

"HA!" she grinned triumphantly. "YOU MISSED!!!"

A second later, four long lacerations appeared on Haruhi's stomach, and everything that she'd eaten during her stay came pouring out onto the floor. Everything was a partially-digested gooey mess, except for the Double Down Sandwich, which fell onto the floor. A huge paw then came down and ground it into a fine paste. Haruhi took a break from trying to shove her intestines back to in to see the jungle cat arching its back and licking its long fangs. She wanted to run, but she was much too fat to get up.

"Help! Help me! Help me! Somebody help me! ANYBODY! HEEEEEEELLLLLP!!!" shrieked Haruhi in a muffled voice as the tigress lunged at her neck......

***

"HELP ME! HELP ME! HELP-" Haruhi bolted upright in her cot and was surprised to see herself back in her cabin. Kyon and the others were all up in different clothes from yesterday. They all smelled like fruit for some reason, too. Haruhi was about to ask why, but then noticed that she had part of her pillow was in her mouth. She pulled it out and saw her own teeth-marks. Nasty.

"You were tossing and turning in your sleep," said Mikuru wearing a tacky pink sweater.

"Yeah. I... I... I was having a nightmare about stuff..." Haruhi lied, not wanting to discuss her dream's contents.

"You can tell us, Haruhi," Mikuru said gently.

"No... It's really weird..."

"Oh, come on," said Itsuki from somewhere behind Kyon, "I once hallucinated I was the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man. I can take it."

So Haruhi told them her dream. And when she was done, the whole was filled with vacant expressions.

"Sooooooooooo.... Your mom said she was gonna be fat?" asked Kyon.

"Yes... She did," Haruhi admitted.

Kyon held up Haruhi's wallet and pointed to a picture of Naru. "How fat was she? Tell me. And don't skimp on the details."

Haruhi growled, punched Kyon in the nose, and snatched back her wallet. "ASSHOLE!!!"

"OOOWWWW, FUCK!!!" Kyon uttered in pain, clutching his snoz.

Haruhi looked past Kyon and noticed that Itsuki was sitting on his bed with a bandage on his head. And past him was the bathroom door.... which was on the ground.

"What happened to the door?" asked Haruhi, seeing how wide the doorway looked now. It looked as though someone had ripped it off its hinges and some of the wood in the process. It looked like they could get through it now.

"Itsuki happened," muttered Kyon, while Itsuki himself rolled his eyes. "He said it was unfair that the bathroom door was too small for us to fit through. So he decided to see if he could try to squeeze in. And when he couldn't he got mad. And when he got mad, he-"

"I know, okay! You don't have to keep bringing it up! ...Ugh, all those philosophy classes and I charge at a freaking door. My family must be smiling now....." moaned Itsuki, caressing his head.

"It was like watching the Incredible Hulk," finished Mikuru, still shook up by when she recalled Itsuki ripping the door off by the hinges. "I guess it came off because the wood was so weak and flimsy."

Haruhi was to make an immature joke, but relented. "That's great! Now we can wash up without going to use that lame stuff outside. Did I miss breakfast?"

"No, you didn't. It starts in about fifteen minutes. They announced on the intercom that we'll be having some healthy tea and rice-cakes with raisins in the them. And if we're extra good, we get to have a bran muffin," Yuki said with a _hint _of loathing.

Haruhi groaned. She crawled out of bed and slogged towards the bathroom with some fresh clothes and deodorant because she smelled like a slaughterhouse from her workout yesterday. Itsuki popped the door back into place for her privacy. After doing some stuff I will NOT be describing for your sanity, Haruhi came out, looking fresh as a daisy in her favorite sweatpants.

"Nothing like a shower! Though I kinda had to suck it in the whole time. My fat kept hitting the screen door. And that toilet just isn't big enough for my luscious booty. My knees were touching the wall!" Haruhi exclaimed.

"I think you just have a big fat ass," Kyon stated simply, earning giggles from the others, and a glare from Haruhi. She went over to her small cot and sat down upon it with more force than needed. Not wanting to look at Kyon, she turned towards the wall. Some noises were coming from beyond it.

Curious, Haruhi looked outside the window to see Taiga and Ryuji walking past the cabin with a bunch of new people. The odd group consisted of an athletic boy with brown hair talking to a black-haired boy with unusually violet eyes. Both were horribly skinny. Behind them was a girl with neon pink hair chatting the ear off a guy with dark purple hair tied in a ponytail like a samurai. The duo were dressed in odd leather clothes that looked like skirts and half-shirts. And behind them was yet another pair of odd characters, a well-dressed young man with brown hair and a dignified charm, being led by a disturbing pale guy, slouched over like a chimpanzee. What made it weird was the fact that the two were handcuffed together like in a romantic comedy. And behind them was-

"OH, SHIT!!!" Haruhi yelled as she ducked down into her bed. Kyon looked out the window as well to see what had spooked her. All he saw was girls with oddly colored hair walking by. One had blue hair, two had purple, and one was pink. He could barely hear their conversation from here, though.

"Thanks for coming..... While I'll miss my prime-time stuff.... My cousin really needs the bail money.... and I need the..... extra cash, too..." said the short one with the blue hair.

"...can't believe that your cousin, a POLICEWOMAN, would do.... who drives through that many red lights..... and into a PRESCHOOL for crying out loud!...." the one with purple twin-tails spoke.

"....in a rush.... She thought her husband.... It's only normal to.... So she hit a flew mailboxes and a fire hydrant... Being cafeteria workers will be kinda fun...." replied the midget to her friend.

"....I wonder how she'll handle herself in jail for a few days?...... kinda scary...." said the other girl (a twin perhaps?).

"I bet she'll be fine.... As long as.... You know the saying?..... Don't drop..... I think it's the soap? Maybe I'm...." said the pink one with a confused expression. The violet-headed girls had WTF expressions, while the blue one began to laugh hysterically. Taiga had them all halt and began to read from a clipboard. After some hand gestures and a few pointers from Ryuji, the group split off and headed towards their own cabins. The two security officers went off to parts unknown for the time being.

The author couldn't think of anything funny to write, so he had Kyon, Mikuru, Yuki, and Itsuki continue to fix themselves (and Kyon's nose) up before breakfast. Haruhi decided to check out some of the new people to see if they were nice. The skinny guys were still in sight so she walked off after them. The guy with black hair said something inaudible and went into the building they were heading to first. The brown-haired guy sighed and followed him. So did Haruhi. She peered in a saw an office-type setting with flowers and a fancy desk. On it were the plaques with the names "Lelouch L." and "Suzaku K.". The guy sitting behind the second name was probably Suzaku. Haruhi decided to talk to him.

"Hey, sir," she said as cheerily as she could. "Are you another counselor?"

The guy smiled like a male model. "Yes I am, miss. My name is Suzaku Kurugi. Me and my pal, Ledouche- I mean, LeLOUCH, are here as part of a school thing for the summer. We're running the lost and found."

"Really? How come?"

"I had to miss a few classes because of stuff. Yup. Stuff. Not anything secret like me learning secret fighting techniques like the Spinza-. Forget I said anything, okay?"

"Sure thing. I'll see ya later, sir."

"Call me Suzaku. It's fine that way. We'll be open later. Come here if you lose anything!" chirped Suzaku, who then began to listen to his walkman.

Stomach growling, Haruhi began to walk past the lost and found box. Curious, she peered inside. It was all a bunch of regular things like a super-ball, some jacks, a tuba, skin mags, the first season of Friends, a deep-fryer, a blow-dryer, dynamite, fireworks, weed, cigarettes, a toilet seat, the Holy Grail-

_Whoa, whoa, whoa... Who would throw that in here? _Haruhi thought to herself. Making sure that Suzuaku wasn't looking, Haruhi grabbed the deep-fryer and stuffed it underneath her shirt. Smiling, Haruhi began to happily skip out of the building to talk to her friends about her great find.

...She came back a minute later, took out the dynamite, fireworks, weed, and _THEN _she left. A second later, Lelouch popped his head out of the backroom to see who it was. He caught the quick sight of Haruhi's butt going out the door. His jaw dropped and drool began to spill out.

_Dat ass... It will be MINE..._he thought to himself with a perverted grin as Suzaku headbanged.

Haruhi back to the cabin quietly while the others were having chat about trivial things like their homes and favorite things to do or eat. Her thing could wait for now. She stashed her stuff under her bed as far back as she could and faced her new pals.

"C'mon, guys! Let's go see if Ryoko and Tsuruya are already there!" Haruhi suggested.

"Good idea, Haruhi," Itsuki smiled, peeling off his Hello-Kitty bandage.

They all filed out of the door in a neat line and headed to the mess hall. As they turned the corner to wait at the steps, another group of kids intercepted them. Haruhi bumped into the first kid and the both fell on the wet grass.. Kyon and Itsuki helped her up, as did the other group with their friend.

"Are you injured, Haruhi?" Yuki asked as the girl dusted herself off.

"Yeah. I'm good, Yuki. My butt broke my fall," Haruhi answered.

"Watch where you're going! ...Please?" Mikuru meekly told the other kids.

"How about you watch it next time!" grumbled a feminine voice. "I was just minding my own business with my friends, and you- You!"

Haruhi hear the voice, looked at the group, and her eyes bugged out.

The girl who had spoken had short light brown hair and a cold look on her fleshy face. She seemed to be in Haruhi's weight class, what with her huge chest and a large spare-tire stomach with a deep belly button that peeked out from her clothes. Her thunder thighs and calves dwarfed her lean arms. She was wearing a tight, purple, short-sleeved shirt and a small black skirt.

The second kid was another girl with her honey-blond hair done up in pigtails like a toddler and a potbelly. She stood by the first girl's side like a bodyguard. Most of her fat had gone to her face, hips, and butt. The little yellow blouse she wearing was still tightly hugging her torso, however. She had some had some blue jeans on as well, but the zipper was left untouched.

The third adolescent was the only male in the group. He too was a blond, but his hair was a filthier color. Two mean eyes peered out from above a scowl that appeared to be etched onto his stout greasy face. Baseball mitt-like hands hung from his drum-like body. You could take one look at this guy and know right away that he was the type of person to steal your pudding and deny it later. He wearing a plain white shirt and grey cargo shorts.

The fourth and final person was a girl as well. She was clad in a completely black outfit that consisted of a matching hoodie and sweatpants combo. It contrasted deeply with her pasty, white skin, making her resemble one of those freaky goth kids. Unlike her fat friends, what drew in attention for her was her hair. It was long enough to drag along the grass and made the youngster look like the estranged lovechild of Sadako from The Ring and Cousin It from The Adams Family. Despite her obvious roundness, it looked like her hair outweighed her.

The four stared at the five kids before a smug smile came over the girl in the front.

"Well, well, well.... If it isn't Haruhi Suzumiya. How's that cholesterol-clogged ticker going?" she asked in a pleasant tone of voice. The other three snickered meanly.

Haruhi glared darkly. "SASAKI!!!"

If Kyon had the ability, he would have played a _DUN DUN DUUUUN!!!_, but quickly decided against it.

Sasaki glanced over and smiled widely. "Hello, Kyon! It's been awhile."

Haruhi's jaw dropped and she looked right at him. Kyon's heart sank. And that's when he knew things were about to get ugly.

* * *

**A/N: For those you who didn't know who the characters were listed joining the story were, they are Lelouch and Suzaku from Code Geass, Luka Megurine and Gakupo Kamui from Vocaloid, Light and L from Death Note, and the Lucky Star girls.**

**Yeah, I heard from a friend that Japanese Ronald McDonald is called "Donald McDonald" or something like that. I didn't know that before hand and even thought of changing it, but I figured some of my friends would probably get confused, so I left it in. That, and Ronald is already more widely known. So please don't try to correct me on that in a review. Not that big a deal anyways. **

**The character Steve the Dragon was invented by my good friend Gladiator Beast MCK. He was used in a previous fic of ours and the concept was so goofy, I just HAD to use him. Thanks again for the numerous reviews, you guys! **

**Also, an explosion is coming. You have been warned.**

**Read & Review!**


	8. Liar, Liar, Pants on Fryer!

**Disclaimer: I do not own The Melancholy of Haruhi Suzumiya or any of its characters. I also do not own any of the materials referenced in this story either. This was made for entertainment purposes only and not for profit. So there you go.**

**A/N: I really don't have anything specific to say about this chapter. Just laugh and enjoy, okay?**

**....**

**....**

**....Aw, who the hell am I kidding? There's a food fight and such in this. And I'm using that joke you suggested, BKE. FINALLY! :3**

**Have fun.**

* * *

"So, wait.... You guys know one another?" said Itsuki with a hint of confusion.

"Unfortunately, yes...." Haruhi snarled. "Sasaki here is the one other thing I hate more than healthy food. That fat bitch is my arch-nemesis!"

"Arch-nemesis? I'm not Doctor Doom, you portly troglodyte," Sasaki hissed through gritted teeth.

"Are so! You caused me a lot of shit back in school! And how you know Kyon, anyway?"

Kyon stepped forward and said, "I kinda used to be friends with her back in junior high. Yeah...."

Sasaki smiled happily. "Quite true. Kyon and I used to be inseparable. But he and I went to different schools afterward."

"I see........" Haruhi said, casting a glance at Kyon.

"But enough about me, Haruhi. Who are your friends? Although, I don't know if they actually are. You never were as popular as I was back then," Sasaki said with an air of arrogance. The three kids behind her giggled like hyenas.

"I'll have you know these guys ARE my friends. Meet my friends, Mikuru Asahina, Yuki Nagato, and Itsuki Koizumi! The greatest pals I could ever dig up! And speaking of friends, who are the three Hungry-Hungry Hippos behind you?" Haruhi asked, smiling slightly as the stupid smirks on the three teens behind Sasaki sank like stones.

"I'm Kyouko Tachibana! Watch your mouth when you talk to us, you ungrateful rube!" whined the pig-tailed girl.

"Ah, shut your trap, Miss Piggy," Itsuki said, making Kyouko's face go scarlet.

"I don't really give my name out to freaks, but call me Fujiwara," drawled the only male in the group.

"Oh, brother..." Kyon rolled his eyes while Mikuru hid behind him. That guy was scary-looking!

"My name........ is...... Kuyou......" the girl with black hair huffed tiredly, taking out an inhaler and sucking on it midway, "Suou...."

"Ah..." said Yuki. "Asthma?"

"Yes... I have a..... severe..... case of.....as-"

"I think I understand. No need to finish."

"How come you guys hate each other?" Mikuru was quite curious at this mystery.

"The truth is that Haruhi and I never quarreled before," Sasaki admitted with a flourish. "We'd pass each other in the hallways, but we never talked. She was the mean fat girl, and I was the nice one...."

"You mean the jolly one?" Haruhi piped up, while Itsuki and Mikuru let out low chuckles.

"...Yes. Jolly... Until that fateful day...." Sasaki frowned deeply.

"Exactly! I remember it as though it were yesterday!" Haruhi roared in anger.

_****Flashback****_

_Haruhi was walking through an empty corridor of her school. Class had just ended and she was roaming around while she waited for her mom to pick her up. Looking for something to kill her boredom, she turned a corner at the end and came across a vending machine._

_Ooooohhh... SCORE!!! Haruhi thought to herself as she trudged over to it. She dug around her pockets for change and came up with some. She searched around for her favorite snack and found it._

_Twinkies._

_"Just what I needed," she mused to herself as she inserted her money and hit the appropriate numbers. The steel coil inside turned to the left a bit and.... stopped._

_"Huh?"_

_Haruhi pressed the buttons again. The coil remained frozen. Panic became evident in her eyes._

_"That was all the money I had left!" Haruhi whined. She kicked the machine repeatedly in anger in hopes of jarring her snack loose, but it was all in vain. Her stomach let out a low rumble. Haruhi held her protruding belly with both hands and muttered something about raiding her fridge at home. As she turned to go, Sasaki came around the corner._

_"Afternoon, Haruhi," Sasaki greeted cheerily._

_"Yeah, hey, chubs" Haruhi bitterly grumbled back. She slogged past Sasaki and began to head down the hall. But just as she was about to turn the corner, Haruhi heard the telltale sound of a vending machine depositing something down its chute. She turned around, and her jaw almost broke the floor._

_"Wow! TWO Twinkies? This must be my lucky day!" Sasaki exclaimed as she held up the spongy snack-cakes in her hands._

_Haruhi watched in terror as Sasaki quickly unwrapped one Twinkie and stuffed it into her mouth. The brunette chewed the treat into oblivion and swallowed it down. Haruhi winced visibly as she watched the bulge in the girl's throat disappear. The tsundere practically heard soft plop sound the dessert made. It was like watching a snake eat her dog._

_But before Sasaki could even eat the other Twinkie, Haruhi jogged up to her. "Wait!"_

_"What?" Sasaki wondered what was wrong._

_"Don't.... eat.... that...." Haruhi puffed out. "That Twinkie belongs to me! I paid for it, and you're acting like it's your own! Give it here!"_

_"Why should I? I just paid. I got it. So it's mine."_

_Haruhi froze and began to stamp her huge feet. "NO!!! No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no! It's my Twinkie! MINE! Gimme it, you chunky broad!"_

_"Oh, yeah?" Sasaki said, still a little sore from that 'chubs' comment, "Well, finders-keepers-losers-weepers."_

_Haruhi darted forward in an attempt to grab the sweet from the one who dared opposed her. But Sasaki wanted it more. She stepped to the side and dodged the bull-rushing Haruhi. The tsundere stumbled and fell flat on her front. Sasaki smirked and strode over to Haruhi. She knelt down (with some difficulty) and held the Twinkie a few inches from Haruhi's panting face._

_"Looks like it's my Twinkie now!" Sasaki taunted._

_So Haruhi did the one thing she could do to get even with the girl._

_She opened her mouth as wide as she could and sneezed on the Twinkie._

_**** End Flashback****_

"And that's why we hate each other," Haruhi and Sasaki concluded.

Everyone was eerily quiet. Then Kyon decided to speak up.

"That........................... is the most moronic thing I have ever heard," he said dully.

"Moronic?! It was a Twinkie! Those are the wonders of life!" Haruhi exclaimed.

"Eh. Twinkies aren't THAT great..." Fujiwara murmured to himself.

Haruhi whirled on him with such malice, that the teen almost screamed in fear. "LIAR!!!"

"The point is..." Sasaki jabbed a porky finger at Haruhi, "That disgusting freak made me sick for an entire week! My grades plummeted when I missed my exams for that SPECIFIC week! You could have at least told me you were recovering from a cold!"

"That's what thieves deserve," Haruhi said as she stuck her tongue out at the other girl.

"Why you, rotten little corpuscle..."

"Take a look at yourself, Flabzilla!"

"Can we go yet? I think Kuyou is starving," pointed out Fujiwara. He was indeed right, as young Kuyou was sitting on the dirt and trying to grab a small grasshopper to eat, her inhaler in one hand. Sasaki pulled her up to her feet, gave a half-hearted to Haruhi, and began to approach the now-open mess hall with her own friends.

"How about you have breakfast with us, Kyon? We'd love to have you," Kyouko said cheerily to Kyon.

Kyon scratched his arms nervously. "Thanks, but I'm gonna have to say no. Maybe later."

Kyouko shrugged, Sasaki smiled nicely, Fujiwara was relieved he wouldn't be interrupted spending time with the three cute girls he'd befriended, and Kuyou sucked her thumb. Haruhi made a face at them all from where Kyon couldn't see her.

"Try not get _too_ skinny, friends! Lovely seeing you, Kyon! ....See you later, Haruhi," Sasaki called over her shoulder.

"With that big ass of yours, I'll probably see _you _later first!" Haruhi yelled, much to Sasaki's irritation.

At that very moment, the loveable Tsuruya and the cuddly Ryoko appeared. Tsuruya gave Sasaki's grumpy crew a friendly wave.

"Heya, guys! Havin' a good morning?" she asked with her usual merriment.

"Leave me alone..." grumbled Sasaki.

"Move out of our way!" ordered Kyouko.

"...Don't talk to me," Fujiwara growled.

"My ankles.... are sinking..... into my..... feet...." puffed Kuyou, following her friends into the building. Tsuruya scratched the back of her head at the rude greetings she'd received. Ryoko, however, rolled her eyes at the fleeting quartet.

".........What a bunch of douchebags," deadpanned Ryoko.

"Did I says something wrong, nyoro?" Tsuruya asked herself as Haruhi and her pals approached.

"No, Tsuruya. You didn't. Those guys are just enemies of us! And any enemy of us is an enemy of yours!" Haruhi loudly announced to Tsuruya and Ryoko.

Tsuruya clasped her hands together and said in a giddy voice, "Oooooh! I getcha! That's super, nyoro! I never hads an enemy before! Sounds pretty cool!"

"Remind me why I know you?" Ryoko asked to no one in particular.

The seven kids all stood in line with the other kids to receive their plastic red trays handed out by Osaka and Chiyo. As Kyon took his, Haruhi glanced up at the front of the line and cursed. That Konata girl was pouring out some tea with some other girl with short purple hair and a yellow ribbon on top of her head. Surely, the girl had told her friends and they would know what she looked like. And the only thing they would serve Haruhi would be an icy bowl of....

_**REVENGE!!!!**_

...Or at least as much revenge one can extract from stealing a box full of chocolate cornets.

As soon as Kyon moved up to get his things, Haruhi beckoned Tsuruya from her place in line. "Pssst! Tsuruya! Come here!"

"Sure," Tsuruya said, toddling up to Haruhi. "But why?"

"Just stand in front of me and give me some your hair! Don't let that girl see me!"

"Okay...?"

As soon as she did, Haruhi took hold of Tsuruya's long hair and put it over her own head like a tacky wig. The effect was unbelievably comical. Tsuruya was handed three rice-cakes and a cup of honeyed tea for flavor. Haruhi peeked out just in time to see a bowl of oatmeal get placed on the tray as well.

_Ick..._ she thought. Still keeping close to Tsuruya (and her hair over head), Haruhi held out her tray. Konata stared curiously at the girl in front of her with the carpet of green hair on her cranium.

"You okay?" she asked with concern.

"She's just fine! She's just a little.... shy is all! Ha ha ha ha!" Tsuruya answered nervously.

"Ah. Well, that's okay. My name's Konata. That's Tsukasa sling the oatmeal right there. My friends, Miyuki and Kagami, are in the back. But you can call her Kagamin if you want."

"No, you don't!" called a voice from the back.

Konata laughed. "Heh. She's pretty cool. We'll be your pals this summer if ya want. Feel free to come and chat with us, okay?"

"Er..... sure..." muttered Haruhi, quickly collecting her things and darting off after Tsuruya.

"Hmmmm... Nice girl," mused Konata.

"She had such a nice hat..." smiled Tsukasa, pouring some oatmeal into another camper's bowl. Shortly after, the kids sat at the table they had at yesterday.

"What's up with you and that girl, Haruhi?" Kyon asked, noticing the way Haruhi was sinking low between Ryoko and Yuki to remain inconspicuous.

"I kinda............... stole some cornets from that chick with the blue hair and a friend of hers. And now that they're her, they'll probably going to try and gut me..." Haruhi whispered.

"Ahhhhh..." said everyone at the table.

" I had the same experience at one point in my life. Stole a whole watermelon and ate it right then and there. I was twelve," said Yuki, much to everyone's surprise.

They all began to eat their food. The oatmeal was really gloppy like a thick sludge. Itsuki began to eat the coaster he had placed his drink upon, only to realize it was in fact a rice-cake; he was very disappointed. Ryoko drank her tea, focusing on trying to make it taste like Coke in her mind. Mikuru looked over at the counselors' table and saw Tsumugi, Ritsu, Mio, and Yui eating oatmeal and some muffins. She didn't know what kind they were or why the camp leaders got to eat great food, but she really wanted one at the moment. In a rare moment of empathy, Ritsu saw Mikuru's pleading face, and felt a twinge of guilt.

"Just like Mio...." she said with a voice dripping with depression.

Mio saw where Ritsu was looking and grimaced. "I have NEVER made a face like that."

"Sure you have."

"When?"

"Last month. When you dropped that ice-cream cone at the park!"

".............You must have been high or something."

"Whatever you say, Mio! I'm going to give her a muffin. What's the worst that could happen?"

So Ritsu reached over to the bowl and pulled out a chocolate muffin. Mio continued to watch. Yui was too busy adding an entire canister of cinnamon to her oatmeal, Tsumugi saw.

"Heya, Ritsu! Isn't that like... I don't know... 'counterproductive'? Is that the word?" she asked with an almost Californian drawl, despite the nationality difference.

"It's fine! Let the kids live a little!" Ritsu smiled warmly. She approached the table of rotund kids and looked at Mikuru.

"Hey, there.... Want a bite of this muffin? I know ya wanna!" Ristu spoke to Mikuru in a syrupy voice. Mikuru's depressed look was replaced with a wide-eyed look as soon as she saw the muffin. So did everyone else's eyes at the table. Except for Itsuki- he was eating his napkin.

_MUST. RESIST. CHOCOLATE.... _thought Kyon. Yuki and Ryoko vibrated in their seats, Itsuki smacked his lips, Tsuruya's stomach gurgled like a lion, and Haruhi dripped drool into her tea cup.

"See?" smiled Ritsu, turning to her friends with confidence, "She sees how nice I'm being! Wonder why I made fun of fat people so much before anyways...."

Mio's eyes widened and she cried, "BEHIND YOU, YOU IDIOT!"

"Huh?" Ritsu turned around to see Mikuru lunging at her with an open mouth. "ARRRRGGGGH-"

Haruhi looked up from her tray in time to see the bizarre scene of Mikuru, with eyes half-open in ecstasy, and Ritsu's stomach and legs sticking out of her mouth. Almost like an anaconda trying to consume a swamp deer.

"Help me!" Ritsu cried as Mikuru's throat expanded to accommodate her. She dropped the muffin down the dark passage she was in and heard a gurgle and splash. God, it reeked in here.

"OMG!!! The kid with the big knockers is eating Ritsu!" Tsurmugi cried in horror.

Yui just kept on nibbling on her blueberry muffin. Mio leapt from her seat like a gymnast and landed beside them. She grabbed a nearby empty tray and began to bash Mikuru over the head with it repeatedly. After a couple seconds of smacking, Mikuru spat Ritsu out. She had a nasty bruise on her noggin and Ritsu was covered in spittle.

"Now, I remember why I hate you fatties..." Ritsu growled, scuttling back to her own table with the help of Mio. Mikuru whimpered in shame, while Tsumugi pictured Ritsu thanking Mio with a sparkly desu~ kiss.

"It's okay, Mikuru. I once tried to bite a goat at a petting-zoo. I got the hoof marks to prove it," said Kyon, patting her on the head. A chorus of cruel laughter came from the table from where Sasaki and her pals sat. They pointed and laughed at Mikuru like the unlikable assholes they were. Haruhi became pretty angry. Before you knew it, Haruhi grabbed a rice-cake and arched her back,

"You're not really going to...." Kyon started, already dreading the answer.

Haruhi merely smirked and placed a finger over her lips as she turned in Sasaki's direction.

_Thwock!_

"Ouch!" exclaimed Sasaki as the rice-cake exploded into a fine, white powder on her head. She turned around, as did her other three pals, and scanned the room. All they saw was a sea of campers eating their breakfast. Sasaki sent an accusing glare at Haruhi's table going back to her own food. As soon as the four turned, Haruhi and Tsuruya began giggling spastically.

"Did you hear her?" She sounded like a chicken!" Haruhi snickered. Tsuruya buried her head in her hands to hide her laughter.

"Ugh. Children..." Ryoko muttered, going back to her food.

"...Just don't do it..." Kyon pleaded weakly.

"Oh, come now, Kyon. I'm pretty sure Haruhi won't do it again," smiled Itsuki.

But Itsuki's assurance went unheard as the oatmeal glob flew through the air and hit Fujiwara in the back of the head.

"Apparently she would," Kyon groaned.

And before you could tell, all hell broke loose.

Kyouko saw the laughing Haruhi and decided it was a time for revenge. He picked up her half empty tea cup and threw it at her. It missed completely and splashed into Ryoko's oatmeal. The blunette blinked in astonishment and grabbed two rice-cakes from her own plate. She threw them at Kyouko and Kuyou. They hit their marks, causing them to shriek in shock and rage. Mikuru took this time to hit Fujiwara again with a rice-cake. It shattered into a flaky powder upon hitting his shoulder. Growling, he threw his both his and Kuyou's rice-cakes at her, but his aim was off, and his projectiles hit a few poor saps sitting in the middle tables.

Some small, chubby blond kid named Hunny got smacked in the head by accident. He blinked a few times, then proceeded to flip over his whole table.

"IT'S DYING TIME!!!" he proclaimed.

Food was thrown everywhere at everybody. Chiyo and Osaka hid behind an overturned garbage pail for safety reasons. Emiri was ducking under a table, curled up in the fetal position, weeping softly, with her black-haired friend patting her on the back.

"Shhhh....It's okay, Kimidori...." he whispered softly. A kid covered in scalding hot tea fell in front of them writing in agony.

"We're in hell...." she moaned softly to herself.

"This is megas fun!" sang Tsuruya throwing oatmeal at random people, while Mikuru screeched from getting hit in the chest by a dirty spoon from Kuyou. Itsuki and Kyon watched in dread as a glob of oatmeal struck Yuki in the face.

"...................I'M BLIND!!!" Yuki shouted, hurling food at random people in the room. Fujiwara, Kyouko, and Kuyou dropped like rocks from her shots. As Yuki's spree continued, Kagami and the pink-headed Miyuki came through the kitchen doors.

"...and real stinky, ya kno-HEY!" Kagami shouted, her noodle incident story interrupted as she was struck in the face with a rice-cake.

"Oh, my! What a mes-" Miyuki soon had some tea splashed on her apron. "Ah!"

"Kagamin! We're at war!" shouted Konata, wearing a pot on her head like a helmet, and wielding a tray as a shield. Tsukasa, like Emiri, was sobbing on the floor. Kagami groaned and just knelt by her sister along with Miyuki. Konata turned back to the brawl trying to see if anyone was seriously injured so she could heal them.

Then Haruhi and Konata's eyes met.

"Hey! I know you! You're that-" Konata held up her shield to block the oatmeal Haruhi threw at her, then shook her fist. "I'm gonna get you for that, Jabba!"

"MY GOSH! This room is like totally getting groddy to the MAX!!!" Tsumugi whined, wringing her hands together. She and Mio tried to restore order, but no one could hear them over the clamor. Ritsu was hurling food with a maniacal gleam in her eyes, and Yui just kept eating her food like a turtle. Osaka took the time to peek out from her hiding place.

"Hey, Chiyo! I think the coast is almost-" Yuki picked up her tray and threw it at Sasaki, but misfired, hitting Osaka in the soft spot on her head. ".....Oh. Pretty birdies."

She keeled over, leaving a highly distraught Chiyo to drag her to safety. That Riku kid from earlier was throwing abandoned tea cups at kids who came at him. In the struggle, one plump boy sank his teeth into his arm. Riku squirmed in pain, causing Sora to take action. The brunette grabbed a tray, glowed bright yellow, screamed something like, "ARS ARCANUM!!!", and knocked the boy off his friend into several others. Never mind how he could do that and still not be able to break out of a simple fat camp, we're gonna get to that later in another chapter.

Amidst the chaos, Sasaki and Haruhi faced each other from opposite sides of the room.

"YAAAAAHHHH!!!" cried Haruhi.

"YAAAAAHHHH!!!" cried Sasaki.

Haruhi and Sasaki attacked at the same time, launching their weapons. But at the same time, the door opened and a group of five individuals walked in...

"And that's why, my doggy friend, is why Minori's curry can be used to melt bank walls- WHAT THE HELL?!?!"

Everyone stopped and gasped. Taiga, Ryuji, Minori, Yusaku, and Ami were now all covered in food. Ryuji was doused in oatmeal and tea. This didn't seem to bother him. But when he saw all the food lying on the ground, and thought about all the vermin that would be attracted to it coming in with their germs, he lost it.

"Ryuji, will you be okay?" Yusaku asked as his friend rolled on the ground like an infant, with his head between his legs.

"My designer outfit!" Ami whined sadly, even though her outfit looked the same as the other's camp-wear.

Minori wiped some oatmeal off her face and placed some of it in her mouth. "Mmmmm! Raisins...."

"Oh... Taiga! Good morning to you!" Haruhi said brightly, dropping a half-broken rice-cake. Kyon and the others almost pissed themselves.

"T-T-Taiga!" Sasaki squeaked, dropping the rest of her ammo. Her friends squealed like frightened piglets and sank into their seats.

"You… two!" Taiga growled, wiping tea out of her eyes. "WHO'S RESPONSIBLE FOR THIS?!?!"

"SHE DID IT!!!" Haruhi and Sasaki both shouted together, pointing at one another. Yui (who had SOMEHOW managed to avoid being hit) didn't know what was going on and thought they were all playing a game so she pointed at Mio, who facepalmed.

"Oh, come on! It's our very first day and we gotta clean up this WHOLE cabin?!" Kagami complained, wringing some tea out of a sobbing Tsukasa's ribbon. Miyuki was busy cleaning her glasses and Konata was straightening her ahoge.

"Then whose gonna clean up this mess!!??" Chiyo whined, running out from behind the counter to observe the mess, tears and oatmeal on her cute outfit. As she remembered to check up on an unconscious Osaka, Konata gathered her friends to gather up some mops and buckets of water. But before they could even scrub a wall or table, Taiga held up a hand to stop them all.

"No need, ladies. I have the perfect people for this job......" Taiga grinned, looking at Haruhi and Sasaki.

When Ami began to cackle like a witch, that's when Haruhi realized she'd lost her appetite.

*******

**Five Minutes Later...**

*******

"This sucks..." growled Haruhi, cleaning a table with a toothbrush.

"I'll say..." agreed Sasaki, in the same position.

Next to her, a sullen Kyon, Mikuru, Yuki, Itsuki, Kyouko, Fujiwara, and Kuyou cleaned up the room, too, while Taiga, Chiyo, and Osaka watched. Everyone else had gone off outside to play and work out. Konata, however, lingered near the entrance, with a smug smile on her loli face. Ryoko and Tsuruya had managed to sneak away from Taiga so as not to be grouped together with their friends' punishment (some pals).

"Make sure to scrub everything out of all the nooks and crannies. If even one ant or roach comes in here to get some of the food you threw, I'll make you eat it," Taiga said without any empathy.

"Isn't that a little unreasonable?" Kyon asked as he scrubbed the floor. He flinched when she zoomed right up to him.

"No," Taiga said in a voice that would make Hannibal Lector crap his strait-jacket.

"...Oh."

Smirking that she'd frightened him, Taiga turned to Yuki who was cleaning a stack of trays. "Hey! You with the glasses."

Yuki slowly turned around from her work. "Yes?"

"You know how much trouble your friend has gotten you into?"

"I know the consequences of her actions. I am fully aware."

"....What kind of kid talks like _that_?"

"There is nothing wrong with the way I talk."

"Well, you guys will be running around for days until you burn all that blubber off. We here at Camp Chubbybuddy promised your parents you would all come home looking much nicer to look at."

She leaned in close to Yuki's face, wearing an intimidating look on her face.... well more like stood up on her tip-toes because Yuki was taller and her stomach put some distance between them. Yuki stared down at her with an unreadable expression.

"...You have guts, kid. No one has ever talked to me like that before. ...Well, Ami once did, but she's a yappy Chihuahua, and talks down about everyone. I got a schedule to run right now, otherwise I'd kick that snooty lavender ass of yours. You other guys better learn to _shape up_ before your first week is through. See ya later, Goggles. You, too, Suzumiya."

"Sorry you have to clean up," Chiyo said sadly. She walked after Taiga and Osaka through the door, shutting in the face of a disappointed Konata. She wanted to see her attacker suffer! Shortly after, Haruhi, Kyon, Mikuru, and Itsuki surrounded Yuki and began to praise her for her bravery. Sasaki and the others rolled their eyes.

"Wow, Yuki. You really stood up to her," marveled Kyon.

"You sure did!" Itsuki said in amazement.

Mikuru was the first to notice Yuki hadn't moved at all in the past minute or so. "Ummmm, Yuki?"

"Yuki? Yuki?" Haruhi called repeatedly.

Yuki continued to stare straight ahead even as Haruhi poked her in the head.

And then she fell face-down onto the floor in a dead faint.

*******

**The Next Day...**

*******

The campers were running some laps around the track again. This time, however, Yusaku and Taiga were the coaches instead of Barret. This made the kids run faster. While Yusaku took down the times for the kids and Taiga chewed on a stick of wheat and wore a wide-brimmed hat (making her look like that one guy from Police Academy), Lelouch was sitting on a grassy hill. He was watching the kids through his binoculars- mainly the girls.

"Bounce, bounce, bounce, bounce, stop, sway, sway, sway, jiggle, jiggle, bounce, bounce..." Lelouch narrated as he licked his lips in hunger.

You might be wondering _why_ Lelouch is doing this?

Simple.

You see, dear friends, Lelouch comes from a place where many of the female student body look like they haven't even heard of a sandwich. With their wine-glass waistlines. cantaloupe-like breasts, and wiry frames, Lelouch often found himself getting nauseous from their skeleton-like appearances. It didn't help that he couldn't seem to put on any weight with his own metabolism, either. As a result, he developed an attraction to more.... healthier-looking women. One of the main reasons he jumped at the chance to join Suzaku at a fat-camp for a bit.

So in plain English, Lelouch is a chubby-chaser.

...

Get used to it, folks, he's like this for the rest of the fic. C.C. soon approached him from the side.

"So here you are. I had no idea you were so into.... _that_," C.C. said with a gesture towards the field.

"I like big butts and I cannot lie..." drawled Lelouch, not even looking up.

"Yeah. I can tell. But preying on kids at a camp? That's pretty creepy. Even for- wait, what?" C.C. suddenly felt a sense of dread over herself.

"I like _big butts_..." Lelouch repeated with a sinister grin.

"Wait a minute...." C.C. said, her eyes showing realization, "You mean all those pizzas you gave me were really for-"

Lelouch set his binoculars with an annoyed glare and said, "BITCH, WHY DO YOU THINK I'VE BEEN FEEDIN' YO FAT ASS PIZZA?!?!?!"

C.C. gasped. "I'VE BEEN HAD!!!" She then ran off crying.

And he watched her ass with glee as she disappeared. Lelouch smirked haughtily and continued to watch the bouncing bosoms and jiggling bottoms from afar.

"Soon, my master plan will be complete...." he cackled.

Meanwhile, all the children were still slogging along. Mikuru suddenly began to lag behind the others and had to stop for a breather. Taiga noticed this and shuffled towards her on the track.

"What's the matter?" she inquired softly.

"It's... too.... hot...." Mikuru panted.

Taiga frowned sympathetically. "Aw, really? Well, then..... would you like something cold?"

Mikuru smiled."Can... Can I have a.... a popsicle?"

At this point, Taiga narrowed her eyes at the red-head, and proceeded to pull out a wooden sword outta who-knows-where. "The only popsicle you'll be eating is this one, when I shove it right up your ass!!"

"EEEEKKK!!!" Mikuru then proceeded to dash off until she caught up to her buddies.

"Huh. That's effective," said Yusaku.

"It sure is, Yusaku!" smiled Taiga.

Suddenly, Barret ambled up to them, accompanied by the duo of Luka and Gakupo, holding a list in his sweaty mitt. "Hey... guys.... can I.... borrow two of your.... kids for a.... minute... I need... some stuff..."

"Uhhhh... sure..." Taiga and Yusaku said at the same time, more focused on the way the two Vocaloids were dressed.

Luka was in some leather-sundress thingamajig and a straw hat with a pink tulip in it, while Gakupo was decked out in huge overalls with plastic daisies and a floppy, wide-brimmed hat. A sunflower stuck out of the top of his hat. Both had been appointed the teachers of the gardening activity, where their purpose was to enrich the children on the wonderful aspects of fruits and veggies. The look on Gakupo's face clearly said 'Please do not talk about my attire or I will be forced to violently anal-rape you with a katana'. In other words, he was mildly peeved.

"I hate this place...." the Vocaloid with purple hair growled.

"Quit being such a pain," Luka said, elbowing him in the side. "We wouldn't be here if you hadn't insulted and attacked those cops. Pretending you needed illegal cell-phones to make a goulash...."

"I would have rather gone to jail. NO PRISON CAN HOLD ME!!!"

"Keep telling yourself that, Mr. Can't-even-break-out-of-a-fat-camp-for-community-service."

"....Octopus bitch...."

"What was that?"

"Nothing!"

"Fine. Fine. Hey! Haruhi Suzumiya! And.... Kyon guy! Get over here!" Taiga called. Haruhi and Kyon slogged over to where the miniature tormentor was.

"Yeah?" Haruhi panted like a Labrador.

"Mr. Barret needs the two of you to fulfill a very important task for him."

"Okay. What... is it?" Kyon gasped.

"I need you kids to fetch some seeds for the gardening club. Luka and Gakupo here would get them, but they can't decide on a veggie," Barret explained.

"I like eggplants..." Gakupo muttered.

Luka rolled her eyes. "Like anybody would just randomly walk right up and eat an eggplant. Anything would be better. Like carrots or corn."

"Bleah."

Upon hearing vegetables being mentioned with her supersonic-hearing, Miku ran right up to them all. "Heya! great to have you guys here spending the summer! Really great! Anyways..... Did I here ya guys talking about vegetables?"

Gakupo turned to her. "Yes, Miku. Did you have a suggestion?"

Miku blushed furiously; oh, how she wished Gakupo would be her boyfriend/husband/whatever the hell their relationship was how the fandom saw them as. "How about we plant .... leeks?"

"I don't see a problem with that. The seeds should be in the supply room. It's located in the mess hall. Check if we have any leeks and anything else, you two. " Taiga commanded. Kyon and Haruhi sauntered off to the building, while Miku did a little jig. Once there, the two kids entered the large cabin and searched around an open door behind the counter. The kitchen was empty, save for Mao, who was listening to a song on his headphones. Seeing nothing in the supply closet, except cleaning supplies, Haruhi and Kyon entered the kitchen.

"Now, where are the seeds?" wondered Haruhi, as she and Kyon pawed around the kitchen. It was a rather small white room, with metal tables a large sink in the back filled with bowls and dishes.

"Here they are," Kyon answered, holding up a few bags with green, yellow, red, and orange markings on them. Haruhi shrugged and began to move past Kyon when she spotted a big, steel door halfway open with a bright light pouring out of it. "**CONFISCATED**" said the door.

"What do we have here?" she asked herself. And before Kyon could stop her, Haruhi threw open the door.

They gasped.

Cookies, cakes, chips, candies, chocolates, donuts, ice-cream, fruit-filled pastries, and luncheon meats of all animals were gathered in piles in front of them.

"Kyon..... I think we're dead...." Haruhi said quietly.

"Why...." Kyon asked, not even taking his eyes off the goodies.

"Because we might be in heaven."

At once, Haruhi began to rip open a bag of M&Ms and shove them into her mouth. The taste of chocolate was wonderful on her tongue. As Kyon struggled to rip open a can of chocolate frosting, Haruhi remembered something important. The theme song from Mission Impossible, was playing in her head. Forcing herself to concentrate, Haruhi grabbed some large packages from the closet and tugged Kyon to the side.

"What?" he asked in a muffled voice.

"Kyon, I have a brilliant plan!" Haruhi proclaimed.

"See these goods?"

"Are you talking about your chest?"

"......No. I meant the LUNCHMEAT I'm holding. Ya see...."

Haruhi then quickly filled Kyon in on her deep-fryer discovery at the lost and found. When she was done, Kyon said....

"So let me get this straight... You didn't even consider taking the Holy Grail?"

"Forget that stupid coco mug! We can clog our arteries tonight! They won't even miss this stuff! They'll probably chuck it all away by the end of the week! It's a waste of food! Meet me later outside our cabin near the trees. I have a plan. Tell the others, too. Just Yuki, Mikuru, and Itsuki."

"Are you mad at Ryoko and Tsuruya for some reason?"

"No. It's just that five of us will be able to eat more instead of seven."

"Huh. Makes sense. Let's do it."

*******

**Later That Night...**

*******

Late that very night, five figures gathered around a deep-fryer in a thick grove of trees.

"Say, Haruhi, how did you manage to power this thing on? I don't think any of our cabins run on electricity," brought up Itsuki, holding some sodas.

"I _borrowed _an extension cord from the kitchen and ran it right here," Haruhi said with a sly grin.

"But isn't the kitchen normally patrolled at night?" Yuki inquired thoughtfully, standing by with some napkins and utensils.

"Simple, Yuki. I merely distracted the guard with an ingenious riddle."

Back at the mess hall, Osaka was standing at the entrance to the kitchen with a furrowed look on her brow, and a flashlight in hand. "Hmmmmmmmmmmmmm... What kind of a nut doesn't have a shell? Hmmmmmmm- Ah! I got it! A doughnut! Didn't I get it right, big girl?"

She looked around. No one answered.

"Hey..... Wait a minute...." Osaka said with her Southern drawl, "I've been suckered! She didn't want me to tell her what kinda nut didn't have a shell at all! ....Huh? A nut without a shell.... An acorn? Nah. A pecan? Hmmmmm...."

"Anyways, Here's the plan," Haruhi announced to her compatriots over the bubbling fryer. "I took a few things from the lost and found and the kitchen, like those sodas. We are gonna have ourselves a REAL dinner. That cabbage-soup for dinner..... well, it was sucky. And frying stuff makes everything taste better! It's a scientific fact!"

"Really?" Mikuru asked with hopeful doe-eyes.

"Really, Mikuru. By the time we're done, no one will find the evidence. And after this, you won't try to eat anymore people!"

Mikuru suddenly became sullen. "It was an accident......."

"What are we eating, Haruhi?" Kyon seemed tired of being kept in suspense.

Haruhi slung a flabby arm around Kyon's shoulder and grinned widely. "Kyon... Do you know what a turbaconucken is?"

"A tur-whatnow?"

"Turbaconucken. A turkey with a duck stuffed up its butt, a chicken up _its_ butt, and all wrapped up in bacon."

" I thought those were only a myth," Yuki spoke in amazement.

Haruhi waddled off into the bushes and returned with a big pink object wrapped in plastic. She tore it off and held in before her friends. It was indeed, a turkey wrapped up in bacon. The other four were stunned.

"It..... looks beautiful," Kyon said in awe. Haruhi impaled the monstrosity on a metal hook-dealie and lowered it into the boiling oil. It made a wonderful sizzling sound. The five kids inhaled deeply, like a druggie taking his first hit in the morning.

"How long before we can dig in?" Itsuki asked eagerly.

Haruhi's triumphant expression became a face of shock and embarrassment. "Uhhhhhhh.... heh heh heh eh eh eh... I don't..... I don't know."

They all turned to Haruhi at the same exact time. "YOU DON'T KNOW?!?!"

"I thought it would be kinda easy," Haruhi said sheepishly. "We could ask for some help..."

"The hell we will. I'm not sharing my food with anyone else," Yuki said in a low tone of voice. Apparently, she got meaner when her hunger got her.

"Maybe it has a switch to make it go faster! I don't wanna wait three or five hours! My stomach will eat itself long before then!" Mikuru squeaked shrilly, hustling up to fiddle with the dials.

"Leave it alone! You might start a fire!" Kyon hissed as he wrestled with Mikuru for control of the fryer. The flame became blue, then orange, and a nasty red.

"No! You'll mess it up, you idiot!" Haruhi elbowed Kyon in the side, causing him bump into Mikuru, whose chest smacked Yuki, who then stumbled into Itsuki, just as he was leaning dangerously close towards the still open fryer. The Coke-a-Colas in his grip tumbled from his sweaty hands and landed with a splash in the deep-fryer. It bubbled ominously. Haruhi sweat-dropped.

"....Itsuki?"

"....Yes, Haruhi?"

"Sodas don't go into a deep fryer, do they?"

"No, they don't."

"Ah. Say, Yuki. You look smart. How much time do we have to get them out?"

".....I'd say roughly about four seconds."

"...............................Crud."

_**KABOOOOOM!**_

A mysterious turkey-shaped object landed with a splat on the administration building, bursting into flames and gooey chucks a second later. It was pretty damn loud.

Campers and counselors alike stormed out to see the damage, led by Tsumugi, Mio, Ritsu, and Yui. Flames danced around on the roof of the wooden cabin. As Ryuji and Yusaku began to climb a ladder and douse it out with a fire-extinguisher, the reactions of many people were quite varied. Some gasped, others looked on in wonder, others were shaking. Kafuka, who was standing next to a perplexed Nozumu, had the oddest reaction of all.

She was laughing. "BWA HA HA HA HA HA HA!!! LOOK AT THE FLAMES BURN, SENSEI!!! LOOK AT THEM BURN!!! MU HA HA HA HA HA!!!"

Everyone took a step back.

As the flames died (and Kafuka continued to giggle), Taiga spotted the shambling forms of Haruhi, Kyon, Mikuru, Yuki, and Itsuki stumbling out of the woods. All five were wearing blackened clothes and were missing their eyebrows. The loli put two and two together and growled. She assumed the reason they weren't dead was because their fat had protected them from whatever explosion they had set off. Sniffing the air, she noticed the hint of turkey, chicken, duck, and bacon.

"So," Taiga said with a nasty glare as the fivesome noticed they were the center of the mob's attention, you guys decided to have yourselves a tiny barbecue, huh? Or were you just making a meat-flavored bomb? There are some really steep consequences for this kind of bullshit!"

Just as Haruhi opened her mouth to weakly answer, something thin and greasy smacked Taiga right on the head. A strip of bacon.

"What the hell....?" Taiga looked up and her eyes widened. Everyone soon copied the moment.

"Oh, shit..." Mio muttered, pulling Ritsu in front of her.

Bacon then rained from the sky like cats and dogs. Giving in to their primal hunger, Haruhi, Kyon, Mikuru, Yuki, and Itsuki threw themselves onto the ground along with several other kids, shoving the bacon into their mouths, clearly killing off any dignity they had left, if any.

Taiga merely sighed as the fivesome continued to gorge themselves on pork products lying on the ground. The discipline would begin tomorrow. She could wait.

Five heart-attacks occurred simultaneously a few seconds later, anyways.

* * *

**A/N: Next, we have the big torture scene! What will happen/ Only, BKE and yours truly know! So go and bug him, too. We also learn why no one has ever left the camp before.**

**And I take this moment to inform you all of the alternate account me, BKE, and Gladiator Beast MCK share. It is entitled JAEO. Go and check out the things we post. I promise you will be highly impressed by our combined idiocy.**

**Did you know that scientists have proven that reviewing reduces your risk of cancer and heart disease? It's true!**


	9. Grilling the Fatties

**Disclaimer: I do not own The Melancholy of Haruhi Suzumiya or any of its characters. I also do not own any of the materials referenced in this story either. This was made for entertainment purposes only and not for profit. So there you go.**

**A/N: First of all, guys, I am sorry. Truly.**

**It's pretty much been a year at the most. I am very sorry for the long wait. But do not fear, this fic is not dead. It's just that with keeping some promises to some good friends and dealing with school kinda prevented me from working on this story at all. In fact, I had this chapter pretty much done for a few months and just forgot to fix it up for uploading. Once again, I am sorry for failing you as a crack writer.**

**Now here we begin what you people all probably came to read about: Abuse towards fat people. **

**Many thanks goes to ObsidianWarrior, who not helped out with jokes, but also helped me to write much of the scenes here. **

**Have fun! **

**Oh, and a happy new year. **

**

* * *

**The five plump kids each awoke in the infirmary once again the following morning. Haruhi was the first to awaken, the smoky flavor of bacon in her mouth. Licking up a crumb, she looked over to her left from her cot and saw her four other friends. Each was asleep with in fresh uniforms instead of the ones from the night before.

_Wow. That was one fucked-up dream I had. Thin hot me, giant cheesecake, ugly loud guy I chased, and that freaky version of Itsuki who smelled like shattered dreams and underage children. I hope I don't dream about that guy who stomped on my head as well. ...That's funny. I thought we just got a few grass stains, dirt smudges, and burn marks on our clothes when we all passed out, _Haruhi thought as she examined her own clothes. Her eyes quickly widened in shock. _...WHERE ARE MY PANTS? _

"Soooooo... You're up~!" drawled a perky voice. Looking up, Haruhi saw that it was that Minori girl who had spoken. She was wearing her nurse outfit and a wide smile on her face. Minori was sitting on one of those spinny chairs with one leg set on top of the other; Haruhi had to shift her gaze up in an effort to avoid seeing what colored panties the redheaded nurse had chosen for the day.

"Yeah. How long were we out?" Haruhi asked, sliding on the cotton grey gym shorts that lay on the metal cart next to her.

"About the whole night. It's 9:30 in the morning right now. You sure pissed off a lot of people in particular last night," Minori spoke casually as Haruhi groaned at last night's events. "Taiga and Ryuji especially. Well, not Ryuji anyways. He's pretty mellow. I'm not mad anyways. I got some compensation for watching and dressing you guys- extra pay! Go me!"

Haruhi raised an eyebrow. "Did you really dress us?"

Minori's grin widened. "Yeah."

One second.

Two seconds.

Then the little light went off in Haruhi's head.

"...HOLY. CRAP. You... You didn't... see anything...?" Haruhi shivered nervously as she quickly pulled up shorts around her waist.

Minori's eyes twinkled innocently. "Oh, not really. But I couldn't resist the offer. Unconscious people are fun to touch and poke. All squishy. Like warm dough! I drew a face on Itsuki an hour ago!"

"But... You couldn't have! You can't do that kinda crap here! THAT'S PRACTICALLY RAPE! EVERYONE! I THINK THE NURSE MOLESTED US!" Haruhi screamed. Her loud shouts caused her friends to stir out of their slumber.

"I didn't do anything major. Quit overreacting! I even erased the face I drew!" Minori waved a hand and swished her hair.

Haruhi became absolutely livid. "You freaking psychopath! I knew there was _something_ up with you! I'm gonna pretend none of this ever happened! Never ever!"

"What's going on?" Kyon asked, suddenly awake and about.

Haruhi whirled on them all with large, frightened eyes. "I THINK THE NURSE RAPED US!" Kyon grabbed his chest, Mikuru squeaked and tried to curl into a ball (hard to do when you're already that shape) in the corner, Itsuki chewed on his pillow, and Yuki looked like she was about to cry. A closer look revealed that she was actually snarling like a fat, rabid possum. She charged forward with amazing strength and punched Minori in the face. It was a very powerful blow, having been backed up with a fist created entirely of anger and two weeks of peanut-butter and jelly sandwiches forged from an erotic gaming binge before the backhoe yanked Yuki out of her house and into a bus.

Minori gasped and felt blood dripping from her nose "Ah! You are SO dead... Feel my power!" Before Minori could break her foot off in Yuki's triple-ass, a hand grasped hers.

"Uh, Minori? What do you think YOU'RE doing? You just don't go and assault random people like that!" Taiga asked, having suddenly appeared in the infirmary and wagging a finger. "You have to punish them according to the book! And those fuckers are MINE. Got it?"

"G-Got it..." Minori dashed off for bandages, while holding her bloody nose.

"Yeah, get something to patch that up! Ice will help! Now as for you five..." Taiga started, turning to the flabby fivesome.

"W-Wait! That crazy bitch might have raped us!" Haruhi cried.

"GOOD. YOU PROBABLY DESERVED IT!" Taiga snapped, pointing a finger at Yuki now. "And _you_ assaulted a staff member! I'm going to keep an eye on you and give you something to do later this week!" At that moment, Ryuji walked in with the Houkago Tea Time girls, minus Azusa.

"Please, Taiga! Look in your tiny, black, poisonous heart for some compassion!" the always cheerful Yui pleaded dramatically. Ryuji's eyes bugged out and he started the cut-throat motion.

Taiga looked back at him, causing him to instantly inspect a very interesting chipped spot of wood on the wall. "I'll deal with YOU later," she growled.

"Now, now, Taiga~!" Tsumugi said smoothly, bopping the tiny feline-girl on the head with a balled-up fist. "These poor, tubby, chubby souls just wanted some delicious food. They shouldn't be punished for what they have trouble loving."

"Oh, brother..." Mio muttered, annoyed she might have to endure another one of Tsumugi's hippie speeches. They were starting to get on her nerves a lot. Like the time she suggested they all wear clothing made out of hemp.

_...Come to think of it, that one wasn't half-bad... _Mio thought with a lazy smile.

Taiga momentarily ignored the taller blond girl's invasion of her private space and gaped. "But... But they broke the rules! They stole food, confiscated equipment, and vandalized the camp grounds! ...Oh, and someone could have gotten hurt. You gotta let me discipline these goons!"

Haruhi, Kyon, Mikuru, Yuki, and Itsuki beamed. Could Tsumugi be their way out of this? Would she spare them whatever horrible tortures the evil midget had planned for them?

"Well..." Tsumugi scratched her chin.

Yui, who had been licking at a loose cotton ball this entire time, decided to pip up some info she had vaguely recalled. "Hey, Mugi? Didn't some of that bacon from last night fly into our rooms after they hit the administration buildings? Weren't some of your new shoes burned?"

The five fatties watched in fear as Tsumugi's eyes flashed, her face fell, and she darted out of the room and in the direction of her cabin.

A long and loud scream shortly followed soon after.

Mio and Yui shrank back in terror. They had seen this look before when Ritsu playfully shoved her headfirst into a tide-pool at the beach one time. She whined and hid in a closet all day long. Heck, even Ryuji stepped behind Taiga at the last moment so as not to catch any of following drama.

"...Well, I think you should punish them. It'll be fu- I mean, a great example to set for the other kiddies~!" Ritsu said sweetly to Taiga, emitting pink sparklies and white puffs of sugar.

Taiga grinned eagerly. "Fab. Thanks."

"Anytime! C'mon, girls! Let's all go get Mugi and cheer on the runners! We got work to do! Big smiles, everyone!" Ritsu giggled creepily as she skipped out of the room.

Mio followed her, quickly muttering, "I think I just shit my pants."

"I think I already did before we came in here! have a nice day, guys! Hug ya later!" Yui cheered, dashing off, while the five teens glared daggers at her.

"I'm so gonna kill the little one soon..." Yuki growled.

"Well, well... Looks like you guys are my responsibility after all. Your punishment will be at 10:00 tonight, my pudgy prisoners," Taiga announced, crossing her arms together. "Until then, live, drink and have fun! Mwa ha ha ha ha- ACK! Man, I gotta stop doing those evil laughs. Let's go, Ryuji. We've got some _inspections_ and such to do!" Taiga scuttled out the door, Ryuji walking after her.

The blue-headed boy then stuck his head back in through the room's entrance. "Eh heh heh. It's this... work ethic she enjoys doing. Yeah, _just _work. Oh, and you're breakfast has been left out for you in the mess hall. You can go and eat before you go about your business. ...Bye!"

As soon as the intimidating boy had left, Kyon then noticed that equally blue Ami had just strode into the room from behind a door at the desk. By the amused and shaken look on her face, she had pretty much heard everything.

"...You okay?" Haruhi asked Ami.

"..." Ami replied.

"We'll just get our food now..." Kyon said, toddling out of the room with the speed of a jackrabbit hauling a cinderblock behind it. The others followed as well, dreading the healthy crap that was to be their meal. Ami remained where she was, standing in the medical room with a pleased look on her face.

"Mmmhmmhmmhmm... Soon my master plan will be complete. And none of these idiots know a thing about it! Soon I will be even richer!" Ami placed the back of her right hand against her chin and belted out a noblewoman-type laugh. "Ah ha ha ha ha ha... I love money!"

"Huh? What's this about love?"

Ami jumped up, realizing that Minori had come back. She was standing right behind her, holding a damp towel on her nose and holding a box of band-aids.

"How much did you hear?" the blunette asked nervously.

Minori shrugged. "Something about you loving something. What was it?"

"...I said I loved honey..."

"...Oh. Well, OKAY~!"

Ami watched Minori skip off gleefully and sighed deeply. "PHEW! CLOSE ONE!"

Meanwhile, the team had finally reached the mess hall. Once inside, they noticed that the bowls set out for them smelled good for a change.

"What is it?" Itsuki asked.

"Maybe we should check it out..." Yuki suggested.

All were quiet until...

"NOT IT!" Kyon yelled.

"NOT IT!" Mikuru cried, waving her fat arms around.

"NOT IT!" Itsuki shouted.

"NOT IT!" Yuki screamed.

"NOT- AW, GOD DAMN IT!" Haruhi cried. Cautiously, Haruhi lifted the lid of her bowl and gasped. A bowl of rice and chicken covered in teriyaki sauce awaited for each of them.

Haruhi dropped to her knees and prayed. "Dear, Lord, we thank you for this food we are about to scarf down like wild dogs, and we ask of you to bless our cabins with air-conditioning. In the name of Ronald McDonald, the Colonel, and the Burger King, Amen." When she finished, she noticed that her friends had already eaten their meals.

"Hey, you tools!" the butterball cried.

"Sorry. It was SOOO good!" Kyon moaned, licking his bowl soon after.

Itsuki nodded, trying to crack off a part of his bowl so he could swallow it down. Noticing Yuki and Mikuru eyeing her own bowl from across the table, Haruhi jumped into her seat and began to quickly shovel all her food in. The taste was comparable to having her tongue going to a get-together with an old friend. After a minute of gorging, Haruhi leaned back a bit and began licking the remaining sauce in her bowl. It was at this moment that Chiyo and Osaka made themselves known, coming out of the kitchen in their apron-wear again.

"Did you all enjoy the food?" Chiyo asked cutely, her little cat hat bobbing to her words.

"Oh, man, that was better than sex!" Haruhi moaned, letting out a tiny burp afterward, despite the fact she probably didn't even know what it felt like. All her friends either nodded in appreciation (Kyon and Mikuru) or continued to lick/eat their bowls (Yuki and Itsuki).

"Awww, that's mighty kind of you to say that," Osaka smiled, wiping off the piece of meat that had come flying out of Haruhi's mouth and onto her chest with a napkin.

"It sure was nice of the counselors to give you guys such yummy food! I wonder why?" Chiyo wondered, collecting the bowls; it took a bit of a tussle for the pig-tailed girl to wrestle Itsuki's away from him. At her words, the five teens froze and looked at each other quickly. They'd been so caught up in the prospect of getting to eat some normal food for once, that they hadn't questioned exactly _why_ they had gotten to eat such a treat.

"Something is rotten in Denmark..." Haruhi mumbled, licking her teeth. "Why would they give us such great food to eat? WHY?"

"Maybe it's because they were feeling nice?" Mikuru responded, her eyes filled with some sort of hope. Upon hearing that, Chiyo and Osaka exchanged looks. Even Osaka, who could be as bright as a pile of rocks sometimes and as sharp as a spoon, knew that situations like this could be fishy. All of a sudden, a loud laugh broke the morning silence.

"Ha ha ha ha ha! That's a good one, Mikuru!" roared Tsuruya, standing in the doorway. Ryoko was behind her, the portly blunette munching on what appeared to be...

"Is that a turkey leg!" Kyon cried out from his seat.

"Yup," stated Ryoko, ripping out a hunk of its flesh with her dinosaur-like teeth. "Found it this morning in a tree-branch." Ryoko tore off the rest of the meat with her teeth. "It's like God blessed me!"

Ryoko finished tossed the bone to the floor, where Itsuki bit it and took it in the corner to nibble on it like a dog.

"YOU JUST ATE A BOWL OF CHICKEN AND RICE WITH TERIYAKI! WHAT THE HELL?" Haruhi pointed out.

Itsuki shrugged. "I merely wanted something as a chaser. Now don't judge me. I smell a bit of gristle on here!"

Ryoko paled and Tsuruya almost dropped to her knees, which would have caused a lot of problems with her bones. "Whoa, whoa, slow down a second there. You... ATE what was in those bowls?" the blue-haired camper shouted.

"Yes. What was wrong with that?" Yuki asked.

"Nyoro... Last year, two boys named Taniguchi and Kunikida cooked a honey-glazed ham in our cabin with a makeshift rusty barbecue-pit. They aren't here anymore though. It was mostly all in an attempt to lose their virginities to us. We were pretty much desperate to eats something that didn't grow in the dirt or have leaves. We stuffed our faces until the cabin burned to the ground, nyoro! Me and Ryoko managed to gets away with the last of the ham, but the two boys were caught. The next day, they ates two bowls of chicken and rice. After that, they losts twenty-five pounds each, were severely dehydrated, and ended up in a hospital before getting shipped back home," Tsuruya said fearfully.

Mikuru gasped in horror. "Good GOD! ...I love ham! But seriously, what happened!"

"Taiga gave them enough laxatives in the food to make a blue whale literally SHIT its guts out!" Ryoko spat in reply. "Kind of her way of giving a big middle finger to you before the REAL torture starts. That is, if you survive. Taniguchi and Kunikida got thrown out quickly because Taiga thought they were big chickens."

"She must see some real potential in you guys~!" Tsuruya marveled.

Thinking it was all a joke, Haruhi started laughing before she felt a rumble in her stomach. Kyon felt it, too. So did Itsuki.

Mikuru groaned, clutching her side. "What's going on?"

Yuki blinked a bit before she winced. "I feel like two midgets are taking it out on my lower intestines..."

Knowing the inevitable, Ryoko gave some advice. "Just so you know. She locks every bathroom, so find a good bush or prepare to lose a good pair of pants."

Upon hearing that, the quartet all made a mad waddle to the nearest bush.

Meanwhile, watching all of this from a fold-up chair on the hill, clipboard in hand, was a certain Palmtop Tiger. "Heh heh heh heh. That'll teach those belugas to eat anything suspicious!" She soon chortled heartily like a classic James Bond villain..

Ryuji looked up from the lemonade he was sipping with a curious gaze. "What are you looking at through those?"

Taiga sat the binoculars back on her lap. "Oh, nothing important, Ryuji. Just this... bird."

"I thought you hated birds? Like my parrot," Ryuji pointed out.

"Oh, yeah... Well, I just think they are interesting little piles of bones and feathers that-"

"OH, MY GOD, DID YOU GIVE THOSE FIVE KIDS THAT 'SPECIAL' RICE BOWL OF YOURS?"

"...Define 'special' now..."

"TAIGA, THAT COULD KILL THEM!"

"THEY COULD HAVE KILLED US LAST NIGHT! And besides, the ends justify the means," Taiga stated.

"THE ONLY ENDS THAT WILL BE USED HERE ARE THE BUTTS OF THOSE KIDS, ONCE THEY SHOOT OUT ALL OF THEIR DIGESTIVE ORGANS!" Ryuji hollered, making that weird yelling face of his. Seriously, he looks like a serial-rapist when he does that.

At that moment, Tsukasa jogged up the hill, a bag of trash in hand. "Morning," the girl with the yellow ribbon chirped merrily, stuffing the bag into a garbage can set near the gate.

"Hello, Tsukasa. Did you... make those 'special' rice bowls I asked you about?" Taiga asked innocently, knowing full well the lavender-headed girl knew nothing her sinister motive.

"Yeah. I totally followed the recipe!" smiled Tsukasa, pulling out a smudged-up piece of paper. "Half a teaspoon of that oily stuff, just like you said!"

At that, Taiga's eyes blinked in rapid succession. "HALF? I said THREE teaspoons, you dolt!"

Tsukasa stared off into space for a few seconds, before wiping away some of the gunk on the paper. "Ohhhhh... So that's what that one with a dash and a two meant." Then she simply walked off.

Ryuji chuckled deeply. "Maybe you should have asked the one with the twin-tails..."

"Ryuji..."

"Yeah?"

"Go stick your head up Yusaku's ass."

"...Harsh."

Back with our heroes, they were all still running towards their own cabin to relieve themselves. At the sight of their locked door and even the closed neighboring cabins, the fivesome cursed and made off for the foliage. Being at the head of the pack, Haruhi spotted a huge cluster of bushes and made a beeline for it.

"LADIES FIRST!" she screamed peeling the leaves back. Imagine her surprise when Mao suddenly reared his head out of the foliage. "The hell?" Haruhi said, stunned at the sight of the albino freak.

"This is taken. Go get another bathroom," Mao said nonchalantly, ducking back inside the leaves; several loud retching noises ensued right after. Panicking, the kids ran until they encountered Konata and Kagami lounging about in front of their cabin. Haruhi stumbled to the cabin in obvious pain.

"Well, well..." Konata smirked.

"NOW IS NOT THE TIME TO BITCH ME OUT! RIGHT NOW I'M- OWWW!" Haruhi held herself, doing a little dance. Her friends mimicked her.

Kagami looked at the lardass. "What's wrong?"

"ME AND MY FRIENDS ATE SOME RICE BOWLS AND IT TURNS OUT THAT THEY'RE LACED WITH ENOUGH LAXITIVES TO MAKE A WHALE'S ORGANS LEAVE ITS SOUL!" Haruhi shouted. Konata turned away for a split-second to hold in a laugh.

"So we really, really, REALLY need a bathroom, right now!" Kyon whined, wiping some sweat off his brow.

Kagami looked at the heavy-set boy. "I'm guessing Taiga locked the bathrooms, right?"

Kyon nodded in response. Upon this new information, Kagami groaned and made a face as though she had eaten a lemon-drop.

"God... That little twerp is nuts. She hit Tsukasa over the head with an oar shortly after our orientation for calling her grumpy. She was so woozy she thought the fan on the ceiling was a plane that going to ram her. Is there anything I can do to help?" Kagami offered, adopting a pleasant tone of voice.

Konata was busy plotting and didn't hear anything up to the last sentence. "...HELP HER? KAGAMIN, SHE STOLE MY GOD DAMN BABIES! THAT I CANNOT EVER FORGIVE!" She walked over to the side and kicked Haruhi right in her ass, not knowing that she was laced with whale Drain-O. Unfortunately, that was the spark in the powder keg. Haruhi groaned, bent over slightly, and, well... kicked like a mule.

"Awwww, fu-"

**TWHOCK! **

Konata's airborne scream of pain and Kagami's howling laughter could be heard from the top of the hills.

A few feet away, Luka and Gakupo were showing off their appointed duty to Miyuki. "So you two are the heads of the upcoming gardening project?" Miyuki inquired, looking at the large patch of dirt.

Luka, who was wearing a giant straw hat, smiled and nodded. "It sure is! Soon we'll be teaching all of the kids to learn how to grow food straight from pure Mother Earth! Right, Gakupo?"

The blunette pinched at his sunflower-print overalls and snarled, "You didn't sound so damn upbeat an hour ago when you were complaining about being saddled with something as sucky as this."

"Oh, Gakupo, you card! Always joking! Now shut up and go spread that bag of manure everywhere," Luka snapped, shaking a fist out of Miyuki's view.

"Oh, fine then." Gakupo began to stride towards the small shed where the gardening supplies were kept at... when a flying Konata smashed through the window and crashed inside. Various things ranging from seeds to manure flew out the broken window a second later.

"Oh, my god, Konata!" shrieked, Miyuki, looking like she was going to pass out. Gakupo and Luka had very different reactions.

"Oh, no!" howled Luka. "She probably ruined all of the seeds I organized! It took me hours to do all of them! And now there's processed goat poop everywhere!"

Gakupo wrinkled his nose. " ...Eww. Better get me a hose then."

Back on the hill, Taiga was rolling on the grass, binoculars around her neck still. "AH HA HA HA! This is better than watching a cockfight!"

Ryuji grabbed the binoculars and looked through them (inadvertently choking Taiga in the process, seeing as how they were wrapped around her neck), sighed, and picked up his radio. "We need a decontamination unit to the cabins..."

"GACK! HACK! Ryu...ji... You're... killing... meeee..." Taiga hissed out, turning a delightful shade of baby blue. Following that, Ryuji put his radio away and looked down, curious as to why Taiga was now lying on the ground unconscious.

A few minutes later, Konata was shivering in a blanket on the steps of her cabin as her clothes were being washed. "...First she steals my cornets... THEN she kicks me right into a pile of rakes and animal crap! That bitch is going DOWN. I'll never get this smell off of my clothes..."

Kagami sauntered up to her, an orange towel over her shoulder, a blue washtub in her arms, and some pink gloves on her hands. "Hey. Get up and follow me."

"Huh? Where we going?" Konata asked curiously.

"Since you smell so bad, all the showers are being used, and Miyuki is using ours, I've taken the burden of bathing you myself. Now get some clothes and-" Before Kagami could even finish, Konata darted inside, fresh clothes already in hand. The entire process took only 2.3 seconds.

"Wow. That actually scared me," the taller girl deadpanned.

Konata rested her head on Kagami's shoulder as they walked towards some trees. "Kagamin~ ... Please spank me..."

"...WHAT?"

"I said hurry up and get this smell off of me!"

"God, you disturb me. ...Hey, wait. Why am I doing this? We got a perfectly-working shower of our own! Go use that!"

"DON'T QUESTION THE LOGIC OF THIS SITUATION!"

In the cabin across the field, Haruhi was laughing her head off. "You guys left at the good part! You should have seen her face! She looked like a walrus with his bucket being taken away!" Her friends sat around on their own beds, just trying to pass the time.

Kyon sighed wearily on his bed, not interested at all in Haruhi's tale. He turned away from the conversation to dig into his bag for something to read.

Noticing this, Haruhi said, "What's wrong?"

"I wonder what else Taiga is going to do? I barely made it to that blue-haired otaku and her friends' bathroom!" Kyon suddenly sobbed like a greasy man-child.

"I had to go in a trash can!" whined Mikuru.

"I had to built an outhouse in less than a minute. It was quite difficult," Itsuki announced. They all turned to look at Yuki, who was reading a book on her bed. Noticing she was the center of attention, Yuki looked up.

"What is it?" the bookworm asked dryly.

"Where did you go, Yuki?" Mikuru asked.

Yuki shrugged her shoulders. "I didn't."

Kyon dropped his jaw just like everyone else in the room. "YOU DIDN'T GO!"

"Nope." Yuki went back to reading.

"But why?" Haruhi yelled. "You were in just as much pain as the rest of us!"

"I have learned to bottle up my emotions and bodily functions over the years. I'm like a black hole. And besides, I simply lost my chance to find a proper place to relieve myself," Yuki answered, a vein above her left eye twitching somewhat.

"Isn't that unhealthy?" Kyon inquired.

Yuki eerily stared at Kyon like a vulture, for what seemed like an eternity. "...No."

Everyone shrank back. Yuki officially spooked them. Another few minutes past before Mikuru sat up shakily and trotted over to the avid reader in an attempt to get to know her better.

"Whatcha reading?" the cute blob asked.

Yuki held up the novel in her hands- a black book with a pair of white hands holding an apple. "Twilight. It kills my appetite for food, "she said ominously.

The room became very, very cold all of a sudden.

"So that explains the fact that you're so skinny compared to us..." Haruhi murmured.

Yuki glared at her and looked like she was ready to rip Haruhi's scalp clean off and wear it as a hat. Before she could offer her response, the PA system squealed to life.

Rather than Miku's melodic voice, it was Konata's that roared out, "TO HARUHI SUZUMIYA, ITSUKI KOIZUMI, KYON... WHATEVER YOUR LAST NAME IS, MIKURU ASAHINA, AND YUKI NAGATO: GET YOUR ASSES TO THE SLEEP DEPRIVATION TANK! NOW!"

There was the sound of fighting, swearing, and suddenly Miku's voice was heard over the PA. "Ummmmmmmm... whatever shortie said. Toodles~! HEY! LET GO OF MY-"

"No way!"

"Len! Rin! Get her! ASSIST ME!"

Haruhi gulped over the sounds of static and fighting. "...Is this because I kicked her?" Yuki's airborne book to her head was her answer. "OW!"

**Later at the Sleep Deprivation Tank...**

The gang were sitting on stacked bricks (chairs were too precious to keep replacing every time the campers sat down) in a circle. The lights dimmed suddenly, and two cloaked figures stepped into the room from the shadows.

"We've been expecting you..." one figure called while the other cackled maliciously.

"Death! DEATH!" Mikuru squealed like a pig. The talking figure laughed as the one that had spoke previously removed their robe. "

It's just us- Azusa and Kallen," Azusa said, adjusting her locks of black hair.

"...DEATH, DEAAAATH!" Mikuru screamed.

Kallen sighed and slapped Mikuru's chubby face, much to Kyon's anger. "This is punishment number two. While the third one is fixed up, we get you to humiliate yourselves. Personally, I like explosions so what you all did didn't bug me so much. After we are done, Taiga will send you all into Room 101," Kallen said a-matter-of-factly.

"What's room 101?" Haruhi asked, oblivious to the Orwell reference.

"...You'll see," Azusa declared. She then followed that by laughing darkly like an evil sorceress. Kyon and Yuki were the only ones that were scared enough. Haruhi was confused, Itsuki was nibbling on a broken brick from the floor, and Mikuru was worried about _death_.

"Hey! Come to think of it, what IS in Room 101?" Azusa questioned, having forgotten what the heck was in the room.

Kallen looked down her nose at the cat-girl. "You already asked me once before about what was in there. And I told you that you knew the answer already. _Everyone_ knows it. The thing that is in Room 101 is the worst thing in the world."

"I see..."

"By the way, where the hell have you been these past couple of days? You freaking disappeared after being introduced at the orientation."

Azusa shifted her eyes nervously and coughed. "I was... well... watching my soaps in my room. But now I can't anymore due to the fire these idiots caused."

"You were watching soap operas?" Haruhi asked in a dumbfounded voice.

Azusa sighed guiltily. "Yes. And none of my friends know about this secret pleasure of mine either. I love it just as much as I do cake." Somewhere, Yui twitched visibly but thought nothing of it.

"...What kind of show have you been watching?" Itsuki asked. Now he HAD to know. So did everyone else.

"...The World Ends with You- When I Say it Does!" Azusa exclaimed after a long pause. She then collapsed to the ground on her knees, head in her hands as she sobbed loudly. "Oh, why, Dr. Sho? Why did you switch Neku's brain with a monkey's? So that YOU could keep the Reapers' softball team under your iron fist? And what about Neku's promises? OH, POOR RHYME AND SHIKI!"

Kallen smacked Azusa over the head with a fist. "Get a hold of yourself, cat-girl. Now the second punishment isn't a torture per say, but more of a coming-out dealie. We're each going to have you guys talk about how you got to be the way you were. So that we can all get to know each other better."

"That sounds really flowery and gay," muttered Itsuki.

"Either you talk or you learn why this is called the Sleep Deprivation Tank," Azusa warned with a stern stare.

"Why?" asked Yuki. Kallen produced an air-horn out of her pocket and pointed it at Yuki before honking it. "OWWWW! ...I mean... Owwww."

Kallen smiled. "Got that? Excellent. We'll start with you first, Yuki. How did you become overweight? Go back to your earliest memory and talk from there."

"My mom was a Yippie and dad left when I was four, so I read books... unfortunately, unless it was written by Abbie Hoffman, George Orwell, or some other thing with political or social meaning, it wasn't in the house," Yuki explained, the screen getting all fuzzy. .

_**-Flashback- **_

_A skinny chibi Yuki sat in front of the fireplace of her living room reading A Clockwork Orange. Her mother entered the room. She looked kinda like Yuki, but was much taller, had longer purple hair, and a flatter chest. _

_"Be back whenever, my snow child~! Mommy is going to chain herself to some redwoods in California." Yuki's mother gave a dramatic spin and shuffled towards the front door, duffle-bag in hand. _

_"Mommy! I have a school-play tonight. Can't you come?" Yuki begged in a squeaky voice, looking up from her book. _

_"This is more important. Keep fighting, kid!" she shouted to her offspring, giving her child a fist-pump into the air, before slamming the door. Yuki bookmarked her page and started to cry when her stomach rumbled. Heading to the fridge, she found a bucket of chicken, a rarity in her mostly vegetarian household. Yuki ate a drumstick from the bucket and hugged it close to her. _

_"At least I have you, Sanders..." Yuki sobbed, reaching in for another. _

_**-End Flashback- **_

Yuki was now holding a bucket of KFC and chewing on a breast. "And that is my tale."

"WHERE THE HELL DID YA GET CHICKEN!" Kallen roared in surprise.

"It was in the pile," Yuki deadpanned.

"_WHAT_ pile?"

"You know. That pile."

"What is this, I don't even- What exactly are you pointing at? That's a corner! Where is this so-called pile?"

"I'm pointing right at it."

"No, you're not! That's a brick!"

Haruhi was crying somewhat over the din. "Wow... Yuki, that's so sad..." She looked over at her fellow camper, who had just kicked Kallen in the ovaries for trying to take away her food in mid-argument, and huddled in the corner with her KFC bucket.

"O... kay... thanks for ramming uterus into my colon... Kyon? What happened to you to turn yourself into the hunk of flesh you are today?" the slim cherry-headed woman asked, half-way bent over in pain.

"I'd rather hear a bit more about Yuki's past before I say anything else about myself. If that's all right with her," Kyon answered, rocking back and forth uncomfortably.

"Not at all," the purple-haired girl replied, swallowing some deep-fried goodness. "Other than eating my troubles away, I would use my home computer to browse the web. I would read stories to pass the time, but my true entertainment came from playing many Flash games. So much fun. Then one day, I signed up for World of Warcraft. ...The days, weeks, months, and years that flew by."

"Gee, Yuki, that sounds awful! World of Warcraft must have sucked up a lot of your free time!" panted Mikuru.

"Actually, it didn't. It was a passing interest that only introduced me into a whole new world of darkness on the internet, Mikuru."

"W-W-What w-was it then?"

Yuki looked up at her friends, shadows of missed experiences and forgotten childhood moments swimming in her eyes. "FarmVille."

"Oooohhh..." the others muttered in understanding.

"It's your turn, Kyon. Tell us all about your earliest memory of binging if you can..." Azusa said, while stealthily approaching a chicken-eating Yuki.

"Well, one day at my sister's birthday party..." mused the portly brunette.

_**-Flashback- **_

_A ten-year old Kyon was looking for the present that he'd hidden away for his younger sister, Imouto. While pawing around the household plants, he found something buried halfway in the soil of a fern. _

_"Huh? What's this?" He picked it up and gasped. It was a big joint as thick as a Sharpie marker (which had been hidden there in the first place by a shady uncle of his). Curious and not too bright, he lit a match that was nestled in the box and ignited the joint. The fumes it emitted were quite sweet so the young boy took a quick little sniff... _

_Within minutes, the joint was gone, and Kyon was as high as a kite. As Imouto's little friends sat in the living room, Kyon ran around like his ass was on fire and pigged out on all the refreshments, taking off his clothes when his gut was about to burst. His mom was looking for him as Imouto and her friends went to the backyard. _

_"Kyon? KYON?" called the suddenly nervous woman. A loud scream alerted her to the moon-bounce, where she found her son jumping around half-naked in his shorts, and humming the Soviet National Anthem for some absurd reason. _

_"Kyon, what the hell are you doing?" demanded his mother in a high-pitched voice. _

_"Pretty colors, mom! Everything looks cool! PRETTY COLORS ALL FOR ME!" Kyon gabbled, foaming at the lips. His mom then made a grab for his legs but missed, looking on as Kyon bolted for the refreshment table once again. _

_"GET BACK HERE, YOUNG MAN!" Kyon's father screamed, running away from holding up the birthday piñata to apprehend his hyperactive son. The little bugger drained the punchbowl and then plowed his head into the entire floral-patterned caked. Frosting flew everywhere._

_"Wheee~! This is the greatest day ever~!" _

_No more than a second later, Kyon vomited all over the guests, Imouto's friends, AND his relatives, before passing out in a daze on the grass._

_"THIS IS THE WORST PARTY EVER, JERK!" Imouto hollered in tears, running up to her comatose brother and whapping him in the side with the wooden bat. _

_**-Flashback- **_

"And since then, I've liked food ever since," Kyon finished dourly.

Rather than show remorse or sympathy like she had done previously, Haruhi laughed uproariously at Kyon's story like the jerk she was. "You got fat by getting stoned? That. Is. Hilarious!"

Kyon crossed his arms and made a pouty face. He decided to shift his view over at the nearby wall... which had Azusa now duking it out with Yuki control of her illegal bucket of fried delights.

"Give me the bucket, fatso!" Azusa snarled through gritted teeth.

"No way! Go play with a ball of yarn!" puffed Yuki, holding onto her treasure with ten strong greasy fingers. Kyon facepalmed. He could really use a soda right about now. Haruhi continued laughing until Kallen got right in her face.

"Sooooooo... I bet _you_ think you're pretty great?" Kallen said quietly, her voice dripping with contempt.

Haruhi reflected on this sentence. "Well... yeah," she said with a smile.

"I was being sarcastic, you butterball," Kallen snapped, enjoying the crestfallen look on Haruhi's face somewhat. "Now tell us of your tragic past. I'd tell mine, but _I_ am pretty great."

Haruhi shrank away on her brick pile and looked the other way with a slightly peeved expression. "No. You'll laugh."

Kallen patted Haruhi on the shoulder tenderly. "Now, now, Haruhi. I'm not like that C.C. bitch. I may insult you and your friends, and belittle your intelligence, but I won't laugh at your pain... this one time."

"I might..." Azusa wheezed, struggling against the bear-hug Yuki had her in.

"Shut up, Azusa. No one likes you that much. Except for Yui. Now talk to us, Haruhi. I'm all ears... and curves if you haven't noticed by now."

"Sure thing, slut-face. Well, I guess my problem started way back then, when I was just a baby..." Haruhi began, ignoring the angered expression on the redhead's face.

"Why is the room getting so fuzzy?" Itsuki asked out loud (his query went unanswered, by the way).

_**-Flashback-**_

_A younger version of Naru and Oruki were standing over their baby's crib. The couple had just come back from a night of eating out at a recently-opened McDonalds. After thanking the sitter, the two had come in to see their bundle of joy. _

_Young five-month old Haruhi lay in her ducky-print blanket, wearing a pink and yellow sleeping shirt and a white bib. She barely had any hair on her tiny head and her eyes were closed. _

_"Isn't she precious?" Naru whispered to her husband. _

_"She sure is..." Oruki reached in to stroke his newborn daughter's head, but in doing so, accidently knocked the leftover cheeseburger that Naru was still holding in her left hand into the crib. It landed on the side of the sleeping Haruhi, who moaned and wiggled a bit now. A bit of sauce and such stained the blanket now. _

_"I probably should have left it on the table..." Naru concluded. _

_"I'll go get a paper towel," sighed Oruki, marching out of the room and towards the kitchen. The moment he left, Haruhi's tiny eyes popped open. Both twinkled ominously. Naru leaned in close to get a better view of her offspring's shining eyes, and paused when she saw that they were locked onto... _

_"EEEEKKK!" _

_Oruki jumped as a loud buzzsaw-like noise tore through the silence of the house. He dashed back to Haruhi's room in an instant, thinking Naru had seen a prowler or a spider. The buzzing continued then abruptly stopped. _

_"Naru, what the hell was-" Oruki noticed that his wife was now leaning over the baby's crib with a gaping jaw at whatever had occurred. Nervous for once, he peered inside. Lying on the crumb-covered sheets, ketchup on her lips, was Haruhi, looking very pleased with herself. _

_"..." said Oruki. _

_"..." said Naru. _

_"Urp," said Haruhi. _

_**-End Flashback-**_

"And that's how I got this way. The end," Haruhi concluded. Kallen and the others stared at Haruhi for a bit in pure silence, until Azusa decided to break up the tension.

"...So you were born with anaconda-jaws or something?" she finally said. Haruhi glared at Azusa until Kyon made his opinion known.

...Which consisted of him laughing his head off. "AH HA HA! THAT IS FUCKING IT!" Haruhi grabbed a brick from her seat and rammed it into Kyon's fat face. "OWW!" Due to his blubbery cheeks, he didn't die.

Kallen looked at Itsuki, who was chewing on Yuki's hair for some reason. "Care to tell us why you're so obese, Itsuki?"

Seeing that he was now the center of attention, Itsuki spit out the part of Yuki's hair that he was chewing on (leaving a small bald patch behind), and spoke. "Well..."

_**-Flashback- **_

_A five-year old Itsuki wandered through his parents' house looking for his mother. "Mommy! I'm hungry!" he called. Still nothing. "Mommy?" _

_The sandy-haired boy found his mother ironing clothes. "Mommy, is there food?" He yanked on her sleeve, causing her finger to collide with the hot steel. _

_"Ahhhh! Damn you, Itsuki!" She slapped her son with her good hand and pointed to a plastic container on the floor. "There's some bleach. Drink it, survive, and I'll take you to the Olive Garden to pig out." _

_Itsuki nodded and opened the bottle, chugging down the content as if it were orange juice. When he finished the bottle, he put it down and gagged, vomiting the hazardous chemicals out of his system. _

_"My tongue feels all tingly and hot," Itsuki whined. _

_His mother looked at him sternly in return. "Now what do you say for making mommy burn herself?" _

_"...Again! AGAIN!" Itsuki grabbed a can of fabric-softener and chugged that down as well. To no one's surprise, he began to spazz out on the floor. his eyes rolled back into his head as strange gurgles erupted out of his mouth._

_"Fantastic. Now mommy is going to have to dial the number for Poison Control!" Itsuki's mother huffed, grabbing the phone off the wall. "I hope you're happy with yourself!"_

_"Blagaraggammpfh!" _

_**-End Flashback-**_

"So as you can all see, that's basically how I spent my summer. My case of pica followed quickly after that," the sandy-haired boy finished. "Needless to say, I was quite happy when my mother and father died in a car accident, which allowed me to live with my uncles Keiichi and Yutaka, grandfather Arakawa, and my favorite older cousin, Sonou. I call her Mori though. "

Everyone stared at Itsuki with wide eyes.

"...What?"

"Oh, nothing," Azusa said, turning to the side. "You must have had a rough childhood before they came along then. Is that true?"

"Partially. I was always depressed until I finally met Kyon in the third grade," Itsuki smiled. Kyon, on the other hand, rolled his eyes and groaned loudly.

"You met Itsuki when you were that little?" questioned an interested Haruhi.

Itsuki nodded. "Yes. Both of us were pudgy social outcasts. I bumped into him during free-time, and from that point on, we became the best of friends."

"Bumped into me?" Kyon repeated, eyes widened. "You snuck up on me while I was drawing a picture of a fire-truck and made off with my red crayon. I chased you down until we brawled in the sandbox. I nearly passed out from heavy breathing, while you had a scraped knee and red wax smeared all over your mouth. I only hung out with you at that point so I wouldn't be picked on as much."

"As I said, the best of friends!"

"..."

"See? We're getting to learn about each other already! Now, ummm, Mikuru, was it? How did you get so chubby?" Azusa cheerily asked.

Mikuru blushed upon being put on the spot. "Oh! Uh, well when I was ten, I spent a summer in the United States with my family. All the foods were new there. Especially the ones at that cute little bakery around the corner..."

_**-Flashback- **_

_A thinner, younger, and surprisingly bouncy Mikuru was walking down the street from the apartment her mother, father, and twin sister were staying at. Due to her older sister having so much success as a model, all three were attempting to pressure Mikuru into the practice as well. She was made to constantly diet, exercise, and take those nasty vitamins shaped like old cartoon characters. At the moment, it was sunset and Mikuru was just taking a little stroll before her mom made dinner. _

_"My life stinks..." she whined pitifully. All of a sudden, Mikuru felt a slight discomfort in her lower body. A grumble emerged and she knew it was time to go look for a bathroom. "Must have been those three grapes I ate for lunch," Mikuru noted, quickly running into a nearby bakery. _

_"Excuse me, miss, but may I please use your restroom?" The lone female baker nodded and pointed Mikuru in the direction of the facilities. The red-head dashed inside to relieve herself. _

_"Oh, why did I have such a BIG lunch? I should have said no to half of that cracker, too!" _

_After several hilarious minutes of screaming, Mikuru fell asleep on the toilet. She was awakened by the sound of the automatic lights going on. Her sudden movement in the darkness turned them back on again. Yawning, Mikuru got up and went to wash her hands. _

_"Wow... That really tuckered me out! Wonder how long I was asleep?" After completing her task, the young girl went into the bakery's parlor... and saw that it was dark out. Panicking, Mikuru raced over to the door and tugged on it with her hands. Locked tight. She went to the phone, but saw that it was out of order. Fear building, Mikuru looked up and saw a sign taped to the outside of the door. It read 'CLOSED. Have a Merry Christmas!'. _

_"OH, NO!" cried Mikuru. "I'm trapped in this bakery! And for all of Christmas vacation! I'll die in here without anyone to take care of me! What am I gonna do?" She slid against the counter and began to cry for a bit, before a small smile came onto her face. "Wait a minute... I'm in a bakery... Bakeries... Sell cakes... And I think cakes are food..." Her tiny brain finally connected the dots after much pondering. _

_"...I CAN EAT THE CAKE UNTIL I AM RESCUED!" _

_Giddy with happiness, Mikuru ran behind the counter to sample a slice of chocolate cake- a dish she had never had before. First it was just a slice. Then two. Then three. Then six. Then some cookies, a doughnut, some brownies. Of course, she could have just hurled a chair or something through the glass door or window to get out, but she had apparently forgotten this important fact. Within moments, all of the pastries were all gone. _

_Mikuru sat on the floor, bloated like a parade float. "Blurgh. I... Like... Cake... Now..." she gurgled, licking her hands. Due to her repressed metabolism, her figure had exploded beyond its regular capacity. She pretty much wouldn't be fitting into a swimsuit anytime soon. Just as Mikuru began to nod off, she was awoken by the sound of the baker from earlier coming back through the door. _

_"What the fuck, kid! I close up shop for like ten minutes to go get my cell-phone out of my car and you do this! I'm calling the cops to haul your fat ass away!" threatened the woman. _

_Freaking out, Mikuru jumped to her feet and stuffed the much thinner female's head between her cleavage. She struggled, but eventually her movements slackened. An audible snap could then be heard. Dropping the baker, Mikuru grabbed a cherry pie from the counter and quickly dashed off, sobbing and chewing. _

_**-End Flashback- **_

Mikuru twiddled her fingers together underneath her airbag-like breasts. "So... yeah. Please don't judge me."

Kallen and the rest looked on with absolute horror. "Judge you... YOU MURDERED A HUMAN BEING BY SNAPPING HER NECK WITH YOUR BOOBS! HOW COULD WE NOT, YOU MONSTER?"

"Hypocrite," Azusa sourly spat at Kallen.

"I didn't kill her! She just lost consciousness from lack of air! That cracking was my spine! I got a _slight _case of scoliosis in my family! My spine couldn't take my new weight! I had to limp home!" Mikuru blubbered, tears spilling everywhere. "And because of that whole mess, my parents got sued! Now they all hate me!" Mikuru wailed, rocking back and forth on her brick pile.

Suddenly, Azusa spoke up during the awkward pause. "Well, it was nice talking to you all... now get out of here!" Yuki tossed the empty bucket at her, Kyon and Itsuki both giggled at the memory of Haruhi's story, Mikuru was in tears, and Haruhi had her arm around her friend's large waistline (as it turns out, the so-called Sleep Deprivation Tank had been an ugly, green building that looked like a metal cube... which was nonchalantly hidden right behind the mess hall).

"It's okay. Mikuru. One time when I was fourteen, I learned how to get items from the bakery inside my local supermarket and eat them without being caught."

Mikuru turned to Haruhi. "HOW IS THAT SIMILAR?" The red-head ran into the cabin and plopped down on her bed.

"Awwww..." Haruhi said. "It's okay. Kyon got stoned off his mind, I ate a cheeseburger as a baby, Itsuki drank bleach, and Yuki had a neglectful mother. We're all weird food people."

Mikuru smiled before she commented. "That is the** worst** speech ever. Thanks, Haruhi."

Haruhi forcefully smiled back. "Oh, shut up. I don't know."

"Yo! Guys! You all okay?" a voice called into the room.

"Hmmm? Who is that?" the ribboned-girl asked, looking around for the source.

"...It's me, Haruhi!" Tsuruya's called from the open window; she was clad in a tracksuit that matched her hair. "You should really keep your window closed more often, nyoro. Taiga's gonna take you to Room 101 tonight. If she finds out things about you..."

"...So?" Kyon interrupted. "She knows. We told her friends how we got fat. And she doesn't really scare me at all that much. She's just a short ball of hate and hair."

Tsuruya rested her chin on the windowsill and sighed sympathetically. "I remembers that, nyoro. I was just like you guys back then. I was born into a family of wealth and prestige, ya know. But after so many exotic cheeses, nine-course dinners, and five-layer cakes, I started to puts on a few pounds, nyoro. But at the time, I simply hads too much money to cares. Now that my parents are cheapskates, they sent me to the poorest place they could finds. And ya know what? ...IT SUCKS POETIC JUSTICE, NYORO!"

Ryoko, clad in a blue sweater and knee-length skirt, seemingly materialized out of nowhere from behind Tsuruya and peered into the room, nodding in agreement. "I have a story of my own to tell! When I lived in Canada for a week, I discovered the best thing ever..."

"Love?" Mikuru asked.

"Power?" Yuki ventured.

"Ham?" Itsuki guessed.

"NO, NOT ANY OF THAT JUNK, YOU IDIOTS! It was... pure maple syrup~!"

The others looked confused. "How is that any different from the kind you buy at the store?" Kyon snorted.

Ryoko's jaw dropped. "Because it has the most amazing flavor ever! It's sooo different from all that processed garbage! And you can drip it on _anything_, and it tastes sweet and gooey... It's like drinking the sweat of the gods..." Ryoko dreamily exclaimed.

"It couldn't have been that great. You're obviously exaggerating," Yuki deadpanned, having never sampled maple syrup before.

"YES, IT WAS!" Ryoko screeched, stomping her massive feet before a wistful expression crossed her face. "Oh, goodness... the taste... it was so sweet. I put it on pancakes, hash browns, bacon, eggs, beans on toast, blood pudding, rabbit leg, pasta, Chinese food. IT WAS LIKE TREE-COCAINE! YOU SHOULD HAVE SEEN IT! TASTED IT! OOOHHH!"

Tsuruya stepped back, as though Ryoko might cream herself at any given moment. "Hey, I like eating, but try to control yourself, Ryoko. You look rabid, nyoro."

"I must admit, eccentric as you may be, that all sounds pretty heavenly," Itsuki said, licking his lips.

"At one point, I once soaked a _whole_ tire in maple syrup for a whole day..." Ryoko said ominously, her hands folded behind her back and facing away from the group.

"What happened next?" Yuki asked, almost fearfully.

"Well, my parents walked in and- Hey! Why should I be telling all of you this? Stop trying to trick me!" Ryoko snarled viciously, now trying to pull herself through the window. She was thwarted only by the fact that her arms couldn't lift her off the ground. Mikuru decided to be nice and went outside to help drag in the panting blunette with Tsuruya's help.

"Easy there!" Tsuruya said quickly, putting a hand on the living blueberry's shoulder once they placed her on Kyon's bed. "Remember your blood-pressure, Ryoko. Your heat will explodes! You got to be calm. Like me, nyoro~! I'm lucky that dragging you in didn't break my little legs!"

Ryoko looked up and narrowed her eyes at the fanged-girl. "Whatever, toothpicks. But how can you be so calm? You and I both know damn well about the troubles that can occur here! And you're only here because it's clearly obvious your relatives wanted you to be fat enough to be out of the way while they fought over your inheritance and how to control it! Lousy Canadian transfer program..." she added as an afterthought.

Tsuruya slapped her potbelly and let out a deep laugh. "Oh, Ryoko, that is so funny! Everyone in my family loves me! It's not like they would purposely trick me into gaining weight all these years while my parents weren't looking, so that I wouldn't be around to..."

Tsuruya broke off and stared at the wide-eyed group, a dim memory resurfacing.

"...Then again, they DIDS take me to McDonalds when I was bad. And that was WAY too often. They even pinned things on me that I didn't do! ...I gotta sits down now, nyoro." And with that, Tsuruya sat at the foot of Kyon's bed, a blank look in her eyes.

"Nice going, Fatassakura, you made Cheeseball sad!" Kyon shouted. From her spot on the bed, Tsuruya swept her leg into Kyon's hip. "OW! BITCH!"

"Ha ha. She got you good," Ryoko chuckled. Kyon then resisted the urge to whoop her upside the head with his luggage.

"No wonder why they always Fat-Assed my meals..." Tsuruya continued to murmur almost silently from her spot.

Haruhi didn't seem to care about the pathetic conversation and flopped onto her bed, ass raised up into the air, and her head in her pillow. "I don't care about your life-experiences crap or anything else here! I just need my fix... SOMEONE GET ME SOME FUCKING ICE-CREAM AND BUTTER OR I'LL SMOTHER YOU IN MY VAJAYJAY!"

"Now that was just disgusting," Yuki grimaced, going off to go sit down in her new reinforced chair in the corner.

"Howdy, howdy, howdy!" Ryuji cheerfully spoke, popping into the room with a smile and a tray of covered plates. "I brought your dinners since you all missed lunch during that unscheduled stay at the Sleep Deprivation Tank. I saw miss Tsuruya and miss Ryoko come in here so I brought their food as well. Hope you're all hungry! I got a jug of cranberry juice outside, too."

Not questioning if the blue-haired boy had any ulterior motives, Kyon approached him and snatched the lid off one of the plates. A medium-sized salad lined with apple-slices and chopped-up carrots stared up at him.

"Delightful," Kyon deadpanned lifelessly, thinking about ramming the plastic spork in the plate into one of his own eyes. The entire assemblage of children ate in silence. It was a quiet meal. What made it even weirder was the fact that Ryuji kept on watching them with his weird semi-rape-face.

"What are you staring at?" Haruhi grumbled.

"Oh, nothing. Just wanted to make sure you guys liked the food. Making it through the Sleep Deprivation Tank is a real feat. There's usually a pointy stick involved." Ryuji said in a standoffish manner. "...So any of you guys thinking about your punishment for tonight?"

"Kind of," Mikuru answered, sipping her juice from a plastic up. "But I'd rather not. Maybe Taiga will leave us alone after we just lie down and be quiet. Just give in and let her do whatever she wants."

Haruhi nearly choked on her lettuce. "Are you crazy? We can't let her boss us around forever! I, for one, refuse to let that midget treat us like misbehaving puppies!"

"Really? Where was this fearless leader persona of yours when she yelled at you? Or when we had to clean up that mess that _you_ started? Hmmmm?" mocked Kyon, shooting her a bitter look.

"I was just accessing the situation! I think we can take her if we can catch her off-guard! maybe complain about her! And she can forget all about that punishment or whatever she cooked up. I'm not going."

"Well, I'm afraid you'll still have to go. I'm actually here to take you to your third punishment," Ryuji declared sorrowfully. "And no one who goes will have this reported to their parents." Everyone present paled.

"Deeeaaath! I don't want to go!" Mikuru sobbed, trying in vain to hide under her covers.

"Ryuji, you traitor! I have half a mind to go up and sit on you!" Haruhi threatened. Yuki looked like she might be interested in the idea, too.

"Sorry. Rules are rules. Taiga can be awfully mean. In fact, a few hours ago, she woke up from this nap she was taking on the grass and bit my hand! Anyways, it's best that you all get it over with now, before things stack up for you," Ryuji offered. Facing defeat, the fivesome slowly exited the safety of their cabin. Tsuruya waved sadly from the doorway, Ryoko fell onto the floor from the bed, opening a small crater in the floorboards. On their way past the cabins, Sasaki and her trio of friends stuck their heads out the door, drinking in the fear that was running through their supposed enemies.

"Have fun at your punishment~!" Sasaki crowed.

"See ya later- IF you come back at all!" Kyouko giggled evilly.

"Yeah. Heh," Kuyou dumbly added. She paused to take a drag from her inhaler and resumed chortling.

"Take care, _Mr. Kyon_! Your ass so fat, it makes even Jabba the Hutt say 'DAAAAAMN~!' Ha ha!" Fujiwara obnoxiously cackled.

Yuki turned to them. "Great, you can repeat Robot Chicken jokes- AND SO CAN ANY LOSER ON YOUTUBE."

Fujiwara blinked, then retreated with a look of pure hurt on his face. The other three cabin occupants dropped their jaws and went to go comfort him. Kyon and Haruhi could only marvel at Yuki's epic ownage-skills.

Once at their intended destination, Azusa and Kallen appeared to help Ryuji walk the group down the hall of the main office building until they reached a rather large room.

Azusa gave off a Cheshire cat smile. "You asked me once what was in Room 101. I may not have told you the answer, but you'll know it. Everyone knows it. The thing that is in Room 101... is the worst thing in the world that you fear the most."

"...That's still pretty gay-sounding," Kyon quipped, electing a frown from the counselor.

The door opened with a slight creak of the rusted hinges, and the seven lardasses were brought into the room. Taiga sat at one end of a metal table, fingers folded in a pyramid. And that was the last sight the group saw before being rendered unconscious by some kind of fog that smelled like burning hair.

**With Kyon... **

"Urgh... Where the- What the hell? Where... Where am I?" Kyon grunted to himself, noticing his surroundings. He was in a grey-color room with a white floor and a single ceiling-lamp. A T.V. on a wheeled-cart sat in front of him at head level. Oh, and he was inside some kind of stockade, with his colossal butt raised up like a bizarre centerpiece behind him.

"Glad to see you awake!" Yusaku chirped, suddenly appearing from Kyon's right side. C.C. hovered behind the greenette at a close distance.

"AAAHHH! Don't scare me like that! And your face is way too close!" Kyon began to squirm against the crude stockade his head and arms were in. "And is this the infamous Room 101? If so, can someone tell me just WHY THE HELL I AM IN THIS THING?"

"Just to keep you from running our or something. People can get pretty violent in here!" Yusaku answered.

"And just in case you're wondering where the rest of your roommates are, they are currently being held in other rooms. There's actually more than one Room 101. It's just cheesy mind-games we use," C.C. said, flicking her hair back.

"C.C.!" whined Yusaku. "You weren't supposed to tell him any of that!"

"Oh. ...Oops then. Hey, either of you seen Lelouch? I asked Suzaku, but he hasn't seen him either. It's like he just vanished."

"Don't ask me about your pretty-boy problems. Haven't seen him."

"Excuse me, but what exactly are you going to do to me in this room? If it's to do with my greatest fear, then I hope you don't have any clowns stashed around here," Kyon spoke nervously.

"Oh. You're still here! Well, we're going to make you endure something much worse... An intervention with your family! We sent a speedy delivery to your house that contained a laptop with a web-cam. This here T.V. is connected to it by satellite, allowing us to have a full-on feed to your home, Kyon! You're going to chat with your family and admit your darkest crime to them as part of this penalty!" Yusaku explained, a little too eagerly I might add.

"My family! What did you tell them? Do they know what we did? that was all Haruhi's fault!"

"As far as they know, this is just part of a mental-exercise. Just go with the flow and be calm. Then you can go. And whatever you say will not leave the confinements of this room. And I won't Twitter about it either," C.C. stated casually.

Kyon took this in. "...All right. Fine. Turn on the T.V.. I'm ready to spill my guts." A second later, the screen blinked itself on. The picture blurred, and an image showed up. A living room came into view, with a large sofa. A male cat that looked more like a fuzzy balloon was lying on its side in a nap. Right next to it was a fleshy mass that looked like a mound of pig-skin. A side-tail decorated the top of it from somewhere. It looked almost like Eric Cartman.

"AAAAHH! What is that thing!" screamed Yusaku.

"It's hideous!" C.C. turned to the side and vomited harshly.

Kyon frowned. "...That's my sister and my cat, Shamisen. She kind of took after me a bit."

"...Oh. Our bad."

"Hiya, Kyon!" greeted a similarly obese Imouto, wiggling her tiny legs under her chubby frame. A bag of potato-chips was held in one of her hands. "Whatcha doin'?" she asked as she munched on a handful.

Kyon resisted the urge to slobber and said. "I'm doing this exercise where I have to tell you something bad I once did, Imouto. Uhhh, where are mom and dad? I thought they were supposed to be here for this?"

"Yeah, this won't nearly be as humiliating!" C.C. yelled, earning a glare from Kyon.

"They told me they had to work late so they asked me to watch the video instead. I had trouble turning on the laptop with my fingers!" said Imouto, petting Shamisen's side. "What are you gonna tell me?"

"Let me think..." Kyon hummed to himself. Part of him searched for a topic, while the other side wished he could scratch his nose. "...Do you remember our thirteenth Halloween?"

"Oh, yeah!" piped Imouto. "The one where you and I went as Fatman and Blobin!"

"Yeah, those were some mean kids. So you know about all that leftover candy you hid under your bed, but when you checked it a month later, half of it was all gone?" Kyon whispered, forcing a smile.

Imouto's eyes narrowed just the _slightest_ bit. "_What about it?_"

"Eh heh heh heh. Funny story, actually!"

From that point on, Yusaku and C.C. KNEW things would get good.

**With Haruhi... **

Things weren't going so well with Haruhi. For one, she had somehow woken up from her knock-out gas-induced nap, and was flailing around before the entrance of the room. Being told what she would have to do in front of her folks scared the daylights out of her. Barret was now trying to force her into the room, the ladies of Houkagu Tea Time looking on in horror. Except for Tsumugi, who was sitting on the ground, mourning the loss of her prized products from yesterday's fire.

"Like, cha," the blond sadly said to herself in her valley-girl accent, tracing circles in the floor. Also, Luka stood nearby, dressed like a pink octopus, and holding a wet towel. Again, weird reasons.

"Do I have to be made the_ torturer_ here?" Luka questioned looking at her... tentacles.

Yui smiled and giggled. "Yeah! You were the perfect fit for the costume! Taiga said the octopus strikes fear into all who see it or something! Sorry if you don't like the towel. The cat o' nine tails is under repair."

"I see..."

"C'mon, little lady! Get on in there!" Barret wheezed, trying his best to push the camper inside the room.

"GO AWAY!" Haruhi turned around and bit the soldier's good hand. Her teeth sank in like knives.

"Argh! NURSE! I THINK IT'S INFECTED!" Barret hauled ass out of the room, and past the girls. With a shared look, Mio, Ritsu, and Azusa ran at Haruhi's back to finish the job.

"THAR SHE BLOWS~!" Ritsu slammed into Haruhi's hip with her back. She dug her heels into the ground and started to shove her forward.

"Get your... butt in... there!" Mio huffed. She delivered a kick to enforce her point.

"My hands are sinking in!" Azusa screamed, while she handled Haruhi's side-fat.

"Yow! Never! My parents are probably frolicking in my room! Using it for their air-hockey! I REFUSE TO SEE THEM," Haruhi announced, anchoring herself into place. As if summoned by the darkest forces, Taiga ran inside, having seen the fleeing Barret.

"YOU'LL GO IN THAT ROOM IF I HAVE TO CARRY YOU IN THERE!" she threatened.

"Oh, please!" teased Haruhi. "Like you could! These guys can't! No one here even likes you, I'll bet!"

"Why, you rude, uncouth, stout piece of crap!" Taiga raged, gesturing to the others in the hall. "I am well respected by my peers! My laws and discipline run this place! I dare you to find one person here who doesn't think I am great! Right, Tsumugi?"

Tsumugi dully looked up at the catty woman. "Did the Screechy Kitty say something?"

If the hallway wasn't so dim, everyone would have noticed the single tear slide down Palmtop Tiger's cheek.

"Told you, _**shortie**_!" Haruhi forgot about all attempts to escape and started laughing. That was the last straw apparently.

"Okay! THAT DOES IT! You have really pissed me off! Ritsu, I request permission to invoke the punishment of Operation: Green Harmony!" Taiga screeched. "Is that okay?"

"Uh, sure. If that's what you want. I don't like this chick either," Ritsu sneered, rubbing her arm from where Haruhi had bumped her. Azusa nodded frantically in agreement.

"What is Green Harmony?" Haruhi asked. Something told her it wasn't a dating site for tree-huggers.

"Well, it's the strictest thing here. I invented it for kicks! Though I'd never thought we'd have to use it. Basically, we just kick the troublemaker into the surrounding woods for a bit and let them try to survive on their own. No outside-contact at all. If they wanna come back earlier, they can come right back to their cabin, crawling back on their hands and knees! Just with added-on workouts, and a written apology is needed."

"Oh," Haruhi said to herself. She looked up with a wary glint in her eyes. "Just how long is '_a bit_'?"

"About three days."

Haruhi pouted and stuck out her lower lip. "Awww, testicles. Well, that's okay. I can deal with that. Especially since I'm _ABOUT TO GET THE FLYING FUCK OUTTA THIS CRAZY PLACE!_ _DOUBLE-DOWNS, HERE I COME!_ _OUT OF MAH WAY, JERKS!_" The tubby tsundere began to buck like a wild bull, nearly crushing Ritsu and Mio against the wall in her throes. One of Azusa's twin-tails got stepped on, causing her to let out a yowl. Wanting to get in on the action, Yui leapt upon Haruhi's back and wrapped her arms around her neck.

"Settle down, Haruhi! We just want to help you out!" she cried.

"No! NEVER Let go of me, damn it! You're choking me! GRAAAAH!" Haruhi exclaimed, jumping up and down. For each jump, a minor shockwave was produced. Seeing an opening, the brunette ran for the door. Luka tried to hit her with her wet towel in a vain attempt to help out, but was smacked aside by one of Haruhi's ham-sized arms.

"OH, LORD, SOMETHING IS BROKEN!" screamed the poor pink-haired singer.

"She's going nuts!" Taiga shouted. "Restrain her!"

"Yeah, get her!" Luka encouraged, nursing her bloody nose with her tentacles.

"Use the tranq or whatever!" shouted Ritsu. This was followed by Minori and Ami running in with an enormous syringe with green fluid inside of it. It was about the size of a loaf of bread. Haruhi flinched as its tip was quickly jammed into her left arm.

"OW! OW! OUCH! WHAT IS THIS?" Haruhi raged, pulling back.

"A little something to make you go nighty-night!" Minori squeaked, though her voice sounded really far away. Haruhi yawned.

Ami examined the tottering girl and nodded. "Looks like we hit the right vein this time! There's enough stuff in there to put out a rhinoceros!"

"That'll teach you! Hope you like shade and trees for tomorrow! Ha ha ha ha- WHOA!" Taiga had to leap back from Haruhi's attempt to grab her by the hair.

Even as her vision clouded over and drowsiness settled in (and Miku's horrible rendition of Kumbaya began to play), Haruhi had one last fleeting thought to herself before she nearly flattened Tsumugi and Yui with her gut.

_I have GOT to get out of here somehow. _

* * *

** A/N: I JUST WONDER WHAT AMI IS UP TO? **

**And so Haruhi has been banished to the woods to fend for herself. Those poor, poor forest critters. Can Haruhi make it out there? Will the gang encounter more trouble from Sasaki's band of bullies? Will Yuki harm Yui in some way? Where is Lelouch? Why is Minori so creepy? Will Taiga get her comeuppance? Is Shamisen the new Garfield? Will a Jack LaLanne reference come up soon? Will Emiri and TSCP pop up again soon? **

**Kudos to all the people who helped me come up with jokes and material here! **

**See you again next time, guys. Another crazy omake is next to tide you all over. Don't worry, after that, I will focus just on this nutty plot. Yay. **


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